Scared (Jonnor)

Chapter 4

"Are you sure I need to go?" Jude asked Lena.

"Just as I told you this morning, last night, and, well, every day for the past two weeks," Lena responded, "yes, my love, you do need to go to school. It's your first day of high school! You should be excited!"

"Why?" He questioned. "It's not like I'm in a new building, with new kids, or drastically changing my routine. I'm still at Anchor Beach walking most of the same hallways as before."

"Okay, while that's true, high school means self-discovery, self-invention, self-expression," Lena reminded him. "Doesn't that mean anything?"

"When it means that discovering I'm gay, inventing a more confident me, and expressing my sexuality freely have all made my life more difficult," Jude said, taking a breath, "no, it means nothing to me. Nothing good, at least." With that, Jude opened the car door and slipped out into the warm San Diego air. He sighed and looked at the school building, at his prison for the next nine months.

Students compare school to jail all of the time, but this was different. Jude didn't care that he was spending eight hours there, didn't care that he had to study and do homework. He didn't even care that his summer was over. He cared that now he was trapped in the same building with the person he wanted both to see and to avoid more than anything.

"Jude? Jude! Hey!" He heard his friend Taylor call from behind him as he stepped away from the car. "We still have like 15 minutes. Wanna go sit on the beach for a minute and pretend like summer isn't over?"

"I should probably just get to my class..." Jude muttered.

"Oh come oooooon," Taylor said, grabbing his wrist and dragging him toward the back of the school, toward the Pacific Ocean.

Slipping off their shoes, they let their toes sink into the sand and eventually sat down on the border of sand and sea. Jude looked at his feet and tried to clear his mind, but all he could do was listen to his heartbeat, too fast and too unsteady to be healthy.

"Happy to be back?" Taylor asked, looking at Jude.

"Let's just say I'd rather be back in my coma," he whispered. Taylor laughed and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I get it," she chuckled. "Where's Connor? Is he here yet?"

"I don't know." He tried not to let her see his hands shaking on his knees.

"Shouldn't you know if your boyfriend is here?" Jude stayed silent with closed eyes. "Oh Jude! What happened?"

"Life happened."

"What do you mean?"

Jude finally turned to look at her. "It's too much, too difficult."

"Your relationship with Connor?" She asked.

"Being gay!" Jude cried. A tear fell from his eye, but he blinked it away. "You don't understand... Being out with Connor, wanting to hold his hand but instead walking with three feet between us at all times. Wanting to give him a hug or even a kiss but instead shaking hands when we say goodbye in public. Shaking hands with my boyfriend, Taylor. Do you know how unfair that is?"

"You're right. I don't understand," Taylor said. "Why can't you hold hands? Why can't you hug or kiss?"

"We did hold hands once. You know what some fifty-something year old man shouted behind us? Baby faggots. He called us baby - I can't even say it again. Because apparently we were even too young to be regular ones." Taylor shook her head in disgust. "I was in my coma because Connor kissed me at the fair..."

"What?!"

"Some guys beat me up when Connor walked away."

"So that's why you broke up?" Taylor asked.

"I went into a coma," Jude said. "Risking our lives isn't worth it."

"I just don't believe this is the end for you two," Taylor said. "I have to believe there's more Jude and Connor."

"Taylor, please," he whispered. "I don't want to think about us together."

"I'm sorry." Taylor wrapped her arms around him as a few more tears slid down his cheeks. "I'm really sorry I asked... Do you want me to walk you to class?" Jude smiled into her shoulder and nodded his head. They both rose to their feet.

"Thanks for supporting us, for supporting me," Jude said. "You're a great friend." She smiled as they walked back towards the school.

Just as they stepped in through the doors, Connor turned from his new locker, and Jude had to use every ounce of his courage to keep walking.

-- I didn't check this chapter too closely for grammar and spelling mistakes so I apologize if there are any. Also, I promise my story won't always be depressing! --