Two crossing paths

part 8: marriages..between success and failure

Mark and Ganis had only been married for a few months. Sitting on the edge of a serene lake in Seattle, they looked like two lovebirds, lost in each other's company. After finishing their breakfast, Mark moved to the kitchen, while Ganis called her mother. Hours passed as she chatted away, and then they went about their daily routines.

But in truth, they weren’t by the lake at all. The picturesque setting was just a façade. In reality, they were in a marriage research lab run by the Gottman team, a group dedicated to studying the success of marriages and predicting their longevity. The couple was connected to Holter monitors, electrodes tracking their heart rates, blood pressure, and hormonal changes as they went about their daily lives. Every aspect of their routine was observed, except for the privacy of the bathroom. If you think this is excessive, consider that the Gottman team has a remarkable 91% accuracy rate in predicting whether a marriage will succeed or fail. But you can’t just ask them to evaluate your marriage; their work shows that behavior speaks volumes, and while words can lie, the body never does.

Marriage is a double-edged sword—unhappiness in it can be lethal, while happiness can add years to your life. Research has shown that those in unhappy marriages are 35% more likely to fall ill, whereas a happy marriage can extend your life by as much as eight years. The difference lies in stress and exhaustion versus the care and concern of a loving partner. In a happy marriage, someone is there to take care of you, remind you to look after yourself, and urge you to see a doctor when you’re unwell. They feel responsible for your mood, health, and well-being.

Books on gender differences abound, despite many lacking a solid scientific basis. Take the famous *Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus*—it’s popular but steeped in stereotypes. Men are often viewed as cheaters, and women as moody and grouchy. However, cheating isn’t biological or gender-specific; it’s often the result of emotional distance or insecurity. Contrary to popular belief, men are typically happier in marriage than women and certainly happier than single men. The increase in women cheating correlates with more women working, exposing them to more opportunities for attention and appreciation. This doesn’t justify cheating but shows it isn’t biological or tied to gender. As for moodiness, men and women experience emotions similarly, but societal expectations often stifle men’s expressions of them. Gender roles dictate that men must be stoic, while women are expected to be sensitive and expressive.

When people marry, they bring with them a host of expectations, many of which are unrealistic, imposed by society. This is why so many feel immense pressure during and after marriage, and why the divorce rate has climbed to 65% in the first year. Perhaps people aren’t from different planets after all, but rather, unrealistic expectations are to blame for disappointment and divorce. Those who enter marriage with realistic expectations tend to be happier and more successful. Marriage isn’t an Instagram fantasy of hearts, love gestures, and eternal happiness. It involves arguments, which are not only inevitable but necessary. Successful couples argue, express their concerns, and find common ground. Over time, they come to appreciate the strength of their relationship, having navigated struggles rather than escaping them. And that brings us to what actually causes healthy relationships to collapse. It is the influence of other people and their opinions. If you allow someone to say his opinion about a relationship you have with your partner which only both of you will understand then it is the day you will start destroying the relationship. This opinion doesnt have to be direct. It may be videos on social media , books about relationships or even relatives opinions. That will only tell you about the influencer's, the author's and the relative's own relationship reflection but never yours. And that relies on the fact that relationships are private and extremely unique.

Adam thought carefully, musing to himself, *“Men don’t have to be from Mars, nor women from Venus—they could simply be from Cairo and Alexandria. It’s much simpler than that. The key to a happy and successful marriage is right in front of me. How could I not see it? It lies within each of us: ((the quality of the friendship between partners)). Mutual respect and fun, knowing what the other loves and hates, understanding their hopes, dreams, and even their quirks. In such a friendship, a woman might bake a cake just because she knows her husband likes it. A man might spend time with his wife’s family, even if he dislikes gatherings, because he’s not doing it out of obligation—he’s doing it because she’s his best friend and soulmate. Or he can be his wife's cute little teadybear when she feels like a kid even if he is a tough guys with anyone else”

Adam continued to reflect, realizing that couples need to have this mutual friendship from the start in order to work out. it is essential for the relationship to thrive. *“It’s like a bird that chooses you; it’s not something you can force. Another key is expressing romance through small, simple acts—what they call ‘bids’ for attention ,the acts that show you I need you and vice versa. True romance isn’t found in a fancy date at a seven-star restaurant, but in everyday gestures. Like asking, ‘Can you make me a cup of tea, please, my love?’ Or cleaning the house when your wife is tired. It might even be something bigger, like taking care of her family and helping them out.”*

Adam’s thoughts drifted to his grandparents, who, despite their simple life, had achieved the maximum value from it. “Masha’Allah,” he whispered to himself, marveling at their bond. He had a fleeting, dreamy thought of him and Ann in a similar situation. Then he caught himself, *“That’s so sweet. She’s beautiful, but I haven’t even met her…”*