Saved By A Zulu Man (Book 1)

When love turns cold

- Lebogang -
I lay on my bed, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling, my phone still in my hand. The screen had gone dark after I hung up on Marang. Her voice echoed in my head - pleading, hurt, confused. And all I could think was, I don’t feel anything anymore.

I didn’t know when it had started, this shift in me. It wasn’t like there was some big fight or a moment where everything shattered. No, it had been quiet, almost too quiet for me to notice at first. But one day, I woke up, rolled over to look at Marang, and I didn’t feel what I used to. I didn’t feel that rush of warmth, the excitement, the love that had once made me want to spend every second with her. Instead, all I felt was indifference.

At first, I thought it was just stress. Exams were coming up, the baby was on the way, and everyone seemed to expect me to have it all figured out. I convinced myself that this was just a rough patch, that I was overwhelmed and it would pass. But it didn’t pass. Every day, it got worse.

I didn’t know how to explain it, but it was like something inside me had snapped. One morning, I woke up, and I hated everything about my life with her. Not just her, but the whole situation. The baby, the plans we’d made, the idea of being tied down so soon - it all felt like a prison, and I wanted out. I wanted to run as far away as I could from the future we were supposed to be building together.

Marang had always been a good person. Hell, she was probably better than I ever deserved. She was kind, caring, always thinking about us, about me. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? She was too much. She wanted too much from me, and I didn’t have anything left to give her. Every time she talked about the baby or our plans for the future, I felt like I was suffocating.

I knew I was being unfair to her. I knew she was scared, and I knew I should have been there for her. But I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to be. And every time she called or texted, every time she tried to pull me back into that world, I pushed her away. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to deal with her or the baby or any of it.

I had been telling her that I needed space, that things weren’t going my way, but those were just excuses. The truth was, I didn’t love her anymore. I didn’t want to be with her anymore. I didn’t know how to say it, though. Every time I thought about telling her, I froze up. How do you break someone’s heart like that? How do you look at someone who’s carrying your child and tell them that you don’t want them anymore?

So instead, I avoided her. I made up excuses, said I needed time, said I was busy with things back home. I lied to her because it was easier than facing the truth. And every time I heard her voice break or saw her messages asking what was wrong, a part of me felt like a complete asshole. But the other part of me, the part that was desperate to be free - didn’t care.

I never wanted to be a father. Not now, not like this. When we found out Marang was pregnant, I freaked out. I tried to act cool, like I had it all under control, but inside, I was losing it. I didn’t know what to do, and I still didn’t. Everyone expected me to step up, to be this responsible, loving partner and father, but I wasn’t that guy. I didn’t want that life. Not with her. Not now.

I knew what people would say if they knew the truth. They’d call me selfish, heartless, a coward. And maybe they’d be right. Maybe I was all those things. But I couldn’t help how I felt. Or, more accurately, how I didn’t feel. I couldn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t, even if it would make things easier for Marang. She deserved the truth, but I wasn’t brave enough to give it to her. Not yet.

Every time she called, I felt trapped. Every time she talked about the baby, I felt like I was drowning. I had been lying to her for weeks, and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up. But the alternative was terrifying. Telling her the truth would mean breaking everything apart, and I wasn’t ready for that. So, I kept lying, kept pretending like maybe I’d figure things out eventually, even though I knew I wouldn’t.

I thought about disappearing altogether. Going back to Limpopo and staying there, cutting all ties. But I couldn’t do that, could I? My family would never forgive me. And Marang... she wouldn’t let me go that easily. She was too strong for that, too determined to make this work. But what she didn’t realize was that I was already gone. I had already checked out of this relationship. I was just too much of a coward to admit it.

I wasn’t the guy she thought I was. I wasn’t the guy she had fallen in love with anymore. Somewhere along the way, I had changed. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. But one thing I did know was that I couldn’t keep pretending. Something had to give, and soon. Because the longer I dragged this out, the more it was going to hurt her when I finally told her the truth.

But how do you tell someone that you woke up one day and didn’t love them anymore? How do you tell someone that everything you promised was a lie, that you weren’t the man they thought you were? I had been asking myself that question for weeks, and I still didn’t have an answer.

All I knew was that I couldn’t keep living this lie. But the truth... the truth might destroy everything.