Tokyo teddy bear

random thoughts and feelings

as she got older in her teen years, she felt a lot of changes going on inside of her. was she becoming like her mom, getting mood swings? she had always been a perfectionist. and the depression didn't help. neither did hiding how she truly felt. she stared to become more irritated about things. they had to always be a certain way.  she was still alone most of the time, and she really felt like giving up a lot of times. she still had suicidal thoughts almost everyday. she had even begun to plan it. hanging would be very painful, and she hated psychical pain. she was so used to emotional pain though, so she had begun to feel more numb and torn down. no one will ever love me, i'll never get any real friends, she had already brainwashed herself with those words a long time ago. how do others honestly see me? am i too dramatic? should i just shut up and leave? no one would miss me anyway, so there's no point anymore. if someone wants to be my friend, it's out of pity, and they are not my real friend.

her emotions and heart were played with too many times, then people would come and go in her life, forgetting her. she could very easily be forgotten.

"IS THIS WHAT I AM TO YOU?! JUST A BROKEN STUFFED ANIMAL THAT YOU CAN PLAY WITH THEN THROW AWAY WHEN I'M TOO TORN UP AND OLD?! YOU'RE BORED OF ME?!"

she could easily be replaced, a new girl would come and replace her. and the new girl wouldn't be as broken, she would be brand new and be loved by everyone. after all, who wants a broken stuffed animal, with the seams tearing apart? no one does......

how come she's so skinny? she looks great! .....she used to be anorexic for a while. starving herself whenever she could, getting weaker slowly. she still does that sometimes, but not as often as she used to. starving takes too long for a person to die, and it's painful. her mom had a gun, but she didn't know of the gun's location yet. maybe, some night, she could sleep in the car in the garage and turn on the engine with the garage door down, and die by the fumes. that shouldn't take long, maybe a few minutes. she could die in less than an hour......

on December 4th, 2014, she opened up Google drive in her Gmail. she typed up her death note and saved it. she sometimes opens it up and reads it, noticing how many times she's said she's sorry. why should she be sorry though? everyone else should be apologizing to her instead.  it didn't make much sense. but life doesn't make any sense either, does it? 90% of people on Earth don't have a purpose in life, they just mindlessly live. how stupid.

"with increasing vanity i take the pattern paper. if it's alright, i'll substitute some pieces"