Cherishing 7

We vow never to share each others secrets

April 7, 2001

Note: Before you read this, I will remind you the years changed because I got the years wrong. Also warning r@pe talked about below.

Bellatrix

I got a frantic call from Gibsie 20 minutes ago to come to his house. In the morning yesterday Caoimhe Young was found dead. When she killed herself, it was a shock to everyone. I have heard rumors that it was because Mark raped her. I haven't really talked to Gibsie since he called me with the news. I am currently getting of the bus heading to his house. He sounded manic on the phone, and I knew I had to get there soon. It was raining and drenching my clothes. The weather matching the emotions in the air. As I make it to his driveway I am beyond anxious. He sounded like he was sobbing on the phone, and he never cries. I mean I understand why he is I mean Caoimhe was his favorite babysitter. I knock on the door and wait for someone to answer.

His mother answers and I walk past her to Gibsie's room without saying anything. She goes to say something but I ignore her. I make it to his room and shutting the door behind me without seeing him. I look up to see him crying while clutching a paper to his chest. I walk over and sit next to him, but he doesn't look at me.

"Gibsie, what is wrong. I am here, Gibs, you just have to tell me what is wrong." I say touching his shoulder. He looks up at me and shows me his watery blotchy eyes. I feel a pang of sadness and helpless at it. I give a nod to encourage him to tell me what is wrong. He looks down while shoving the paper he was clutching to me. I grab and before I read, I see him hugging his knees to his chest. I look at the paper to see that it says.

Gibsie,

It is to my deepest shame that I write this letter.

Words can't express how sorry I am for the pain that my lack for belief has caused you.

I let you down. I understand that now, and if I could go back in time to that night. I promise I would take you at your word. I would protect you from him.

I have no way of making this better for you, or redeeming myself in essence because the bottom line comes down to the fact that I was supposed to protect you and didn't.

My biggest fear of all is that you won't believe me when I say I didn't know. I guess that's hypocritical statement to make when I did the very same to you.

You told me and I didn't listen. You were a young child who trusted his favorite babysitter enough to disclose the horrendous abuse you had been enduring at the hands of your stepbrother, and that babysitter chose to let her teenage hormones blind her.

To say I had rose-tinted glasses on when it comes to Mark is an excuse that I won't give you. Not you, sweet boy.

The fact of the matter is that I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see what was happening. I had this incredible blind spot that I couldn't see out of when it came to him.

But I saw tonight.

When I walked into your bedroom to check on you and found him pinning you to your mattress raping you, I think I died inside. Your eyes. You looked so broken. So defeated. You weren't making a sound. Your tears were as silent as my voice, and I am so sorry for that.

I don't know how I'm supposed to live with myself for allowing you to suffer like you have. I honestly don't think I can.

I've written you this letter, and I want you to take it to your mam. If not your mam, then take it to Sinead Biggs across the street. All you have to do is hand over this letter, sweet boy, and I promise you he'll get what he deserves.

(For all who read this letter, let it be known that I, Caoimhe Young, on the night of April 5th, 2001, witnessed my boyfriend, Mark Allen, raping his twelve-year-old stepbrother, Gerard Gibson, while I was supposed to be babysitting him. Let it also be known that eighteen months before witnessing this rape, Gerard Gibson disclosed to me that he didn't feel safe around Mark, and that he touched him inappropriately. And finally, to my deepest regret, let it be known that I, Caoimhe Young, believed my boyfriend's word over that of an innocent child.)

For my part in your plans, for my silence, I can never say sorry enough. I can only hope that my absence gives you some comfort, because while I know I wasn't your abuser, my lack of willingness to believe your truth hurt you in ways he never could.

Goodbye, sweet boy.

Caoimhe. X

All the color drains from my face and the letter slips out of my fingers hitting the floor. All I want to do is go find Mark, but Gibsie needs me. I look over to see him resting his head on his knees hugging himself close. My eyes water at the sight and what I have learned.

"Baby, it is going to okay." I say scooting closer to him wrapping my arm around him. He freezes for a second, before quickly wrapping himself around me sobbing into my shoulder. I rub his back and kiss the top of his head.

"I don't want anyone to know," he whispered, tightening his grip on me. "Don't tell anyone please."

Tighten my hold, before lifting his face and kissing it all around his tear-soaked face. "It is going to be okay."

"All the things he does to my body." He looks at me in my eye's tears falling down his cheeks, "I don't want any of it."

"I know you don't, baby..." I choked out pulling him back into a hug rocking him back and forth. "I believe you, Gibs."

He lets out a loud whine before saying, "you be able to love me now."

"I already love you, baby," I strangle out. "Your mom friends, Joey, Tadhg, and Ollie, all love you too." I let out a sniffle and pull him up so he is back to resting his head on my shoulder and press a kiss to his head. "You are my best friend and the person I am in love with. My sunshine." I let out a pained laugh before saying, "and if you think this is going to chase me off, then you've got another thing coming, fucker, because I'm never leaving you."

He sobs for a few more minutes, before pulling back and giving a watery smile. I study him like always, but different from normal. Now I am seeing his eyelashes stuck together by tears, blotchy pink skin around his eyes, and a look of vulnerability I have saw before. I wish I had. I lift my hand and hold his face softly. I rub the tears off his face and peck him on his nose. He lets out a watery giggle. He stops giggling and looks serious for a moment.

"You can't tell anyone." He says firmly making my face go blank.

"Baby, we need to show someone this letter," I say rubbing his jaw softly. "That way he can't hurt you anymore.

"No, you can't. Mark is already planning on leaving because of this mess."

"I just want to protect you." I say softly.

"Please, I didn't tell anyone about your father. So please."

I let out a sigh, and give him a solemn nod. We lay there in each other's embrace. Him seeking comfort from me and me seeking conformation at he was here in my arms and safe. We were just two people in love, and keeping each other's deepest secrets.

Note: how are we feeling? Thoughts?