Fu Junli slowly opened the book with the characters “Poetry Collection” on the cover, revealing the snow-white pages filled with beautiful calligraphy.
It wasn’t an amazing, brilliant work, but a simple record of feelings. There was no rhyme, no culture, just a type of common vernacular.
“……Today, I finally met the eldest young master, and he is still so handsome and refined, not at all the ice-cold terror that the rumors claim him to be. Instead, he is very gentle and soft. When he held me, it was very warm in his embrace. It was so warm that I didn’t dare utter a word……”
“He praised my beautiful eyes. A lot of people have said that my eyes were beautiful, but I have never before felt such happiness. He also asked me if I liked orchids, and I said yes…..I actually don’t like orchids. I wanted to speak with him, but never had the chance. From the first day I entered the estate, I saw him and started to wonder……”
“The eldest young master even let me stay in his courtyard to recuperate. He also let me live there and told me to call him Junli-gege. Why is he so gentle towards me?……No, not towards me, but it should be towards a person named ‘Lianzhi.’ That day, he seemed to have muttered Lianzhi’s name……”
“……Today’s weather is very pleasant. Junli-gege is in a very good mood, and he arranged for a person to play the guqin in the courtyard. Junli-gege truly is a gifted scholar, clear and bright, a respectable and honorable gentleman, and uniquely cultured……I gathered up the courage to invite him to play the guqin with me. I had dreamed of this scene countless times. Only, I blew into the flute, but there was no sound from the guqin. Junli-gege simply looked at me with a muddled gaze, like he was looking at another person……My heart suddenly hurt very much, and I quickly left……”
“Who is Lianzhi? Who is he towards Junli-gege? Do we look alike? Why does Junli-gege always stare at me and whisper that name? He always looks into my eyes as if he is looking at another person..….Is he so good to me, so gentle and soft, because he takes me to be Lianzhi……?”
“Junli-gege only considers me a shadow, Lianzhi’s shadow. If it weren’t for Lianzhi, he would have never looked at me. But I am Taehyung not Lianzhi. I am Taehyung and I like red clothes. I like musky scents, I like flutes……”
“……Today, Junli-gege told me who Lianzhi was. He was an exceptionally elegant and talented noble’s son, one who had shared deep feelings with Junli-gege. His clothes grow looser and looser by the day, yet he cares not. For him, he was wasting away in sorrow and pain. Junli-gege had been thinking about that man for eight years……”
“Junli-gege asked me: ‘If you have also felt this type of deep longing, you would understand why I yearn and suffer. A long yearning recalls distant memories, while a short yearning is boundless. Taehyung, do you understand?’……”
“I said that I understood, I understood, I really understood……From the first day I entered the estate and laid eyes on Junli-gege, I understood. Junli-gege, Taehyung was thinking of you in such a shameless way……”
“……Lianzhi appeared today at the palace’s banquet. I saw the Lianzhi that Junli-gege spoke of. He really was an exceptional son of nobility. It’s no wonder Junli-gege longs for him……”
“Junli-gege’s gaze towards Lianzhi-gongzi was so gentle and tender, the kind of emotion that I yearn for even in my dreams. But he loves Lianzhi-gongzi, he loves Lianzhi-gongzi, loves Lianzhi……If only he could love me……”
“In the carriage, Junli-gege looked weary. Right, even though he had found Lianzhi, Lianzhi-gongzi was one of the Prince’s people. The Prince’s identity was venerable. How could Junli-gege have any chance in competing against the Prince for a beauty……”
“I wanted to convince Junli-gege to give up on Lianzhi, but I couldn’t speak. For such a long time, Junli-gege held those kinds of deep feelings for Lianzhi-gongzi. He had been looking for him for eight years. If he can’t be with Lianzhi-gongzi, wouldn’t he continue to be despondent and pine for him?…..”
“Perhaps I could help him……During the banquet, the Prince’s gaze towards me was odd. I suppose he must have taken a fancy to me. If I go beg the prince, maybe Junli-gege and Lianzhi-gongzi would have a chance……”
“……I entered the palace today, and I begged the Prince to give Lianzhi-gongzi to Junli-gege. The Prince agreed, but only if I became his person……Then, I shed my clothing. It didn’t matter. As long as Junli-gege’s wishes are fulfilled, then it’s alright. In the past, he only regarded me as Lianzhi-gongzi’s shadow. Now that the real Lianzhi has returned, the shadow is no longer needed and would cease to exist……”
“Yet I can’t help but cry. I really tried my best to endure it, but I can’t bear it. I really wanted to tell him that I wasn’t anyone’s shadow. I wanted to say, ‘Don’t see someone else through me. My name is Taehyung, Junli-gege, did you know that? Did you know that I am Taehyung?…… but you didn’t know, and you didn’t want to know, because you only love Lianzhi……'”
“Junli-gege is becoming more and more unhappy. It must be because of Lianzhi-gongzi. Junli-gege, don’t worry, Lianzhi-gongzi will return soon. The Prince promised me that he would give Lianzhi-gongzi to you. After that, your yearning will stop……”
“Yearning, yearning…… Exquisite dice and red beans , my yearning for him is deep in my bones, but he doesn’t know. Junli-gege, you don’t know, you don’t know……”
Fu Junli looked at the calligraphy in the collection of poetry, and a bright and beautiful smiling youth appeared in his mind. He felt the pain of a knife being twisted in his heart, and the youth’s appearance had never been clearer in his heart.
He had always thought that he regarded the youth as Lianzhi, but he actually hadn’t. Perhaps he had in the beginning, but he stopped as time went on.
The youth was different from Lianzhi, even if they had eyes of the same color. However, the expression that blossomed within those blue eyes was different.
But for a long time, his obsession with Lianzhi had unexpectedly made it so that he couldn’t see his own heart clearly. Every time he was attracted by the youth’s radiance, he told himself that it was because the youth was Lianzhi’s shadow.
But in this moment, with Lianzhi by his side, the youth’s shadow had been imprinted in his mind.
“Exquisite dice and red beans, my yearning for him is deep in my bones, but he doesn’t know, hahahahahaha, Jun didn’t know, Jun didn’t know, Jun didn’t know, Jun didn’t know, Jun didn’t know……”
Fun Junli repeated this sentence over and over, mouthing the words, laughing and crying, angry at his own foolishness.
When the deeply concealed truth surfaced, his heart was engraved with the two characters 'Tae hyung’……
………………
YOU ARE READING
'Rebirth Of Cannon Fodder' • TK Adaptation •
Short StoryTaehyung's soul has been floating midair for a long time. Although he doesn't know what happened, he knows that he is definitely dead. Because the surrounding feels too real and his body is transparent, he can't fool himself into thinking that it's...
