Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ ON HOLD ]

✦ { June } Illusion of Love

Client: ShuKurenai2009

Reviewer: june_berrin

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review your story.

❥ Title/Cover: The title is very befitting for the story and its premise. And I like how it sort of hints towards the ending twist of the story. The cover, while loyal to its genre, is not that attractive. The title is visible, but the subtitle is a lot more difficult to spot, so I suggest you bolden it a bit. The author name is very small and slightly blurred as I see it from the desktop, so consider enlarging it. Other than that, both the title and the cover are great.

❥ Blurb: There is no blurb in this story. Just a short overview of the cautions and a few heads up of what lies ahead. Which is great, but a blurb is an integral part of a story as it plays a big hand alongside the cover in drawing the readers in with the offer of a gist from the plot. And many of the readers I have known, along with me, are heavily dependent on it. So, I recommend that you make one, as it would help a lot.

❥ Storyline: First of all, the trailer is beautiful. It is very well crafted, and after gping through the comments, it seems your readers share the same. The story begins with an overview of Y/N's life, where she introduces herself. While it was great to get the reader familiarized themselves with the main character. I think it would have been more fitting if this could have been added in the blurb—not in the same way, of course, but you can tweak it a bit here and there before pasting in the blurb section. This will help you get a blurb along with that you readers are still introduced to the main character. Most of the stories follow this blurb pattern, and introducing Y/N like that in the beginning feels a bit off to me. It could just be me though, so just take it as a suggestion.

The plot is very fast-paced; is it the pace you should be following? For your plot, it is a yes and no. Because you have the sort of plot that keeps the readers at the edge of their seats, but I recommend you tone it down from very fast to just fast and reduce the pace. So they have more time to comprehend and more time for them to understand Y/N and foster a connection towards her.

The story is a myriad of twists, and everything is happening fast. I would recommend adding a few more scenes in between to help the flow of the story and the pace. Alas, the plot is great and a true emotional roller coaster.

❥ Characters: The characters are great. I like how first you tricked us to believe that both Shu and Y/N were cheating on each other. And Shu was a dad who did not care for his wife. I also read in the beginning that Y/N used to be a painter, which afterwards was not spoken about. Assuming that she is an artist, the one who paints on canvases, I believe you have a lot to play with that trait about her. Most of the painters, I believe, are mostly inclined to painting not only as a passion but sometimes as an emotional outlet, not only painting but many other similar activities as such, like dancing, singing, or even boxing. It is a shared trait by many. And considering the emotional distress Y/N seems to go through, making her paint during those times feels like the perfect way to add more depth to her character, to make her a person of her own. Sure, there are some painters who do not follow the above trend, so if you do not wish to do this, then there is no problem. Given her mental condition towards the end, I believe this could maybe come towards the end as a way to show that she is trying to reform herself by painting it all out so as to release her emotions and stop her from hallucinating. This is just an idea I got while reading your story.

All other characters, like Shu, his parents, Y/N's supposed sister, and all, seem to have been well portrayed in the story.

❥ Grammar and Writing: There are a lot of typos and grammatical errors found throughout the story. I recommend using online sites like Grammarly or Quilbot for correction, or you can seek the help of an editor, which you can find very easily on Wattpad. Now, for your writing style, I first suggest you right the dialogues inside speech marks or double quotations, which is how dialogues are usually written, and add dialogue tags either at the beginning or at the ending of it. Dialogue tag examples are: Shu said, Y/N shouted, Shu whispered, Y/N replied, Shu asked, etc. These are the most basic examples, which you can add accordingly. This is one of the major points I wanted you to know. Next would be to stick to a single narrative, either third or first; while there is no such rule as that in general, I believe sticking to one would help you more. If it's first-person narrative, then you can hope in between Y/N's and Shu's POV, which is a lot easier than the third person, given your plot. But if you'd want third-person narrative, it fits in all the same.

Instead of writing 'Next day' or 'At night,' I would recommend that you show it through your writing. Just write something like The new day dawned as the sun rose, or the night had taken over the sky. Or maybe it was the next day or a new day, or it is dark outside. Anything that suits you.

Also, end of POV is not needed; just write the next person's POV instead, like Y/N's POV or Shu's POV, or maybe third-person narrative if you wish to follow the same trend.

❥ Conclusion: The story has potential, but there are a lot of areas where you need to improvise and improve. Many of the chapters have a plethora of mistakes in almost all areas. I am sorry if that sounded rude. I would recommend using Grammarly to edit or Quilbot, both of which are available on Google for free. Also, read the books of other authors on Wattpad so that you can upgrade your vocabulary and writing style; it was one of the best ways to improve. See what they did differently, observe their pattern, and try to decipher the similarities it shares with the others. Even though every book is not the same, there are general trends many seem to share, even if it is in a different genre. And I apologize for my delayed review. I had a lot of stuff going, but I am slowly getting back on track and getting all the work done.

And lastly, if any of my words hurt you or if I have misinterpreted anything, I sincerely apologize; that was never my intention. Remember that no author gets a beautiful, perfect draft the first time they write it; they edit it repeatedly the more they learn. So I hope you have had a great day.

Best Wishes🌻