Back to February 2024, haha sorry. God, that month feels like a blur now, but there's one moment I can never shake.
It was supposed to be an ordinary day-just another school day ending with a project, nothing special. We were working on the TV broadcasting project for journalism. I remember it was around 3pm, and classes had just wrapped up.
My family had plans; we had to leave for my uncle's wedding in the province. I should've been home, rushing to get ready, but no-Jenny had lost her phone, and that phone had everything. Our videos, our progress. Without it, we were stuck, unable to continue.
Tension was building, a clock ticking in my head as my father kept calling, his name lighting up my screen again and again. I could already feel the panic rising. And then, I did what I always do. I answered.
The second I picked up, I regretted it. My father's voice erupted on the other end-yelling, frustrated, angry. I could barely hear his words over the ringing in my ears, but I didn't need to. I already knew what he'd say. I needed to leave, now. My group was pushing for me to stay, they needed me to finish the project-I was the anchor, after all. But the pressure was suffocating me from all sides. I didn't know what to do.
I could feel the sting behind my eyes, the tears I was fighting back. My hands were shaking, and then you noticed. You always noticed. You could hear my father's voice, the venom in it, even from where you stood.
You saw the way my hands clenched around my phone, my breathing quickening. You looked at me with concern in your eyes, your brow furrowing as you asked, "What's wrong?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't. My body moved on its own. I grabbed my bag, and without saying another word, I bolted. I ran, desperate to escape, to outrun my father's anger, the crushing pressure, everything. I could feel the tears spilling over as I sprinted down the hallway, my father's words echoing in my mind.
And then... I heard footsteps behind me. You were chasing me. I could hear you, even as I tried to convince myself that you weren't. No way he's following me, I thought. Not this time.
The guards at school were strict-they wouldn't let anyone back in once they left, especially not a student without their bag or uniform.
There's no way you'd risk that, right? You'd stop at the gates, go back inside. You'd be sensible about this.
But no, not you. Not this time.
I was already outside, walking as fast as I could, my mind racing, when I heard it. The sound of the gate creaking open, the guards shouting in protest. And then I saw you. There you were, running after me without a second thought, without even hesitating.
Gago ka ba? I thought, stunned. The guards were yelling at you to go back, but you didn't care. You sprinted across the pavement, your eyes locked on me.
I tried to speed up, to outrun you, but you caught up, your hand grabbing my wrist, spinning me around to face you. "Okay ra ka?" you asked, your voice soft but frantic, your eyes searching mine for answers.
You were so close, your presence overwhelming, and all I could think was how much I wanted to collapse into your arms, how badly I needed you in that moment.
I wanted to smile. Because you make me smile, jie. I'd run to you. I'd choose you. I'd love you, always. I promise.
You didn't even know how much just being there for me was enough. How much I wanted to hold onto you and never let go, even though I knew I couldn't.
You were panicking, saying anything, everything, to try and cheer me up, to calm me down.
I could see it in your eyes-you were scared too. You didn't know what to do, but you didn't want me to be alone, to face whatever storm was waiting for me. And that's when I knew. I knew you would've followed me all the way home if I hadn't stopped you.
So I lied. I told you my father was on his way to pick me up, that he'd see you if you didn't go back. You hesitated, your frown deepening, but I could see the conflict in your eyes. You didn't want to leave me, but you knew you had to.
Slowly, reluctantly, you nodded. "Take care," you said quietly, and I nodded back. You turned around and started walking back towards the gates, your shoulders slumped, defeated.
I watched you go, feeling my heart break a little more with each step you took. Sometimes, you're so reckless. No, we're reckless. Maybe that's why we ended up in this mess, in this complicated situation that neither of us knows how to fix. But even in the chaos, even with everything going wrong around us, I dedicated everything to you. My heart, my soul, my words.
Like that song-To The Bone by Pamungkas. That was our song. The one I listened to when I first realized that what I felt for you wasn't just a crush. It was something deeper, something terrifyingly real.
I remember thinking, I'm cooked.
That's when I knew. I was falling for you, hard.
And now? Now I'm writing about you, about us, pouring my heart onto pages that may never see the light of day.
I've written 132 poems for you. 89 paragraphs. And here I am, adding more. What is it about you that makes me feel like this? Why can't I stop? It's been over a year-almost a year and a half. I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and yet, here I am, still writing, still trying to make sense of what we had, what we lost, and what I still feel.
So, what now?
