Tequila & Birdcages

Pick and Choose |b.d.h|

A quick thing I wrote and do not plan to reread :)  possible trigger warnings for metaphors involving knives

Left on read, again. This is a frequent occurrence when it comes to the medium and frankly it pisses me off. Sometimes we talk back and forth for hours, fingers swiping and typing on the screen so rapidly I don't even feel human. Then there are the times like this where we don't talk for days. I get it, she gets busy, people aren't always consistent, but I just wish that for once someone would be. Not just 'someone' but Billie.

I crave her attention and presence more than is probably healthy but can you blame me? She's so... alluring and captivating that it's hard to not want to be around her. Except for when she does things like this, getting upset over the dumbest things. Instead of talking it out, she'd rather just go silent and talk to me whenever she feels like it. It makes me feel discarded, like I'm some sort of dispensable entertainment in her life, like I have no true value to her.

Let's be honest, if she did value me, would she really treat me like this? And yet in the idiot because I still love her, knowing there's close to no chance that she'll ever love me back. At least not anymore. I can remember the times where we would flirt and giggle like high school sweethearts together. I would compliment her in all sorts of ways and talk about how much I wanted her and she would do the same, but nothing ever came of it.

I think both of us were scared to jump into things but I take responsibility for drawing the boundary. Though it was only supposed to be temporary, but I guess she just gave up on it. She went on to date, I stayed single, part of me waiting for her to see that all she could want or need could be found in me. I confessed time and time again, letting her know I still loved her, but it seemed she didn't care. She dated one girl, two, then three, and I stayed by her side through each and every break up.

I consoled her and made her feel better about herself, told her that she was worth it and they were just assholes. I pushed past my own anxiety and tried to ask her out but she took it as a joke and it crushed me. So I simply settled for being friends, hoping that it would work out. Then she got with her most recent girlfriend, an on-again-off-again relationship that I didn't support from the start. I still stayed by her side, but when she asked my opinion I made it clear I wasn't particularly fond of the woman.

She brushed it off and I respected her decision, until she hurt her. I helped her through this as well but then she went back and it broke me. After months of crying and angry rants, she went back. I couldn't understand why she would do that to herself, why she would choose pain. Sure, love isn't always perfect and easy but it shouldn't be a chore either. Of course you have to work on a relationship but the circumstances in which the break up occurred... I personally couldn't take it.

I still tried to stick beside her, supporting her decision, it's her life after all. Somehow we worked our way back to talking every day and despite my initial doubts and concerns, I was happy to have my friend back. However, she was different this time, somehow more... reserved and standoff-ish. I still don't understand it and I fear I never will. So I was being my usual sassy self and it seems she got upset about it considering she's left me on read for days now.

The worst part about it is that I can't just forget about her. I can't forget about our arguments and how I apologized almost every time. I can't forget about the last time when we didn't speak for weeks and she eventually reached out to apologize. How I didn't know what to do with myself or how to act around her anymore. Most importantly, I can't forget how stupid I am for still loving her despite knowing it'll never work.

I wonder why she reached out in the first place. Was she lonely? Did she just need someone—anyone to talk to? Was it really about me or was it just a way to have someone besides her girlfriend to interact with? Does she really care about me at all? I'm not even sure anymore, not even in the slightest. The doubt had seeped into every crevice of my being like gum tangled in the strands of my hair. I wonder... will I ever get the knot out or will I have to cut the hair off completely?

My phone rings and I hesitate to answer as I lay on my back staring at the ceiling, pondering the same questions over and over again. Who would be calling me anyway? The better question is what do they need from me? I flip over my phone to see Billie's name on the screen and my eyes widen. She hasn't called me in months, only texted. We used to call all the time, in fact she would beg me to because I'm mostly a texter. All of a sudden it just ceased and when I asked to video call she stated that she "can't".

It makes me also wonder if her girlfriend had something to do with it. She knows the history between us and I wonder if she requested that we no longer be as 'intimate' with each other. I've had it happen before so it wouldn't be a shocker. The phone rings and rings, the vibrations sounding like rolling thunder in the otherwise silent room. I answer it at the last minute, hating that I'm desperate to hear what she has to say.

"Hello?" my voice tentatively rings out and I hear a mumbled greeting in response as if she's rushing. "How are you?" she asks but it doesn't sound genuine, as if it's just a polite social gesture. "What do you need?" I reply, wanting to bypass the formalities and just get to the point. Normally I would play along but I don't have the energy. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asks, "just answer the question" I state blankly. "Don't piss me off. Answer my question first. What do you mean by that?" I roll my eyes and sigh deeply.

These are the same words she texted me before ghosting me for days. It replays in my head like a scene from a sad movie and I feel my eyes sting. I stay silent, not trusting my voice to remain steady. "Fine. I wanted to see if you were free but you don't seem like you're in a good mood so never mind" her voice is snippy, and I almost wince at the feeling of her words like a thousand knives hitting my skin all at once. I half except her to just hang up the phone and call it a day but the line remains active.

"What's going on with you?" At the sound of her question I freeze and it seems as though my tears do too. I sit up, my throat feeling like it's on fire with all the unsaid words. I feel an overwhelming urge to clear it, to unblock my chakra, to release it all on her. All of the pain I've been enduring for her, all the heartache, and she cares nothing about it. Then I start to feel bad, maybe I'm in the wrong here, maybe I'm the bad person. I could never think Billie is a bad person, not for long anyway.

I always remember the sweet words she used to utter and how soft she used to be with me and it all washes away like waves to sand. "What's wrong with me?" I repeat, "that's what I said" she quips firmly. "You. You're what's wrong with me, Billie." It's silent after that and I just wait for her to respond, to ask for clarification, anything. The phone makes the little tone signaling the call has dropped and I pull it away from my face to see she's hung up on me.

The tears fall from their previously stilled state and I fight back a sob. I knew I should've kept my mouth shut, I should've never said anything. I should've left things exactly as they were and just gotten over it. I fight the urge to throw my phone and instead swiftly drop it on the bed so I'm no longer tempted. That night, I go to sleep with fresh tears on my cheeks, dried ones marking my neck, and a heart full of knives.