UPDATEEE YAYYYY
Yeonjun sits hunched over on his couch, the pregnancy test shaking in his hand. Beomgyu offered to stay while Yeonjun told Juwon, or at least to linger around the neighborhood, but Yeonjun sent him away. There are few things in life that he's done alone, but this needs to be one of them.
He's not sure what time Juwon will return from work. With no idea how long to hold his breath for, Yeonjun's never hated Juwon's irregular work schedule more than he does tonight. He thought about making dinner like usual, but his hands trembled too much for him to a hold a knife. Neither of them will have much of an appetite after this conversation, anyway.
The key pad cover hitting against the stop. Four beeps. The turn of the doorknob.
Yeonjun unfurls his aching back and stands up. The pregnancy test hangs loose from his fingertips like a stray hair on his sweater. He creeps towards the door.
Juwon is in the middle of taking off his shoes. "Oh, hey," he says, looking up with a surprised smile. Yeonjun doesn't usually meet him at the door.
Wordless, Yeonjun holds out the pregnancy test.
Juwon finishes taking off his shoes, unhurried, and takes the test. "Two lines means...?"
"It's positive."
Juwon's face erupts into a smile, his teeth sparkling, his eyes turning to crescent-moons. His skin appears smoother and shinier, his cheeks fuller. He picks Yeonjun up and spins him around, rocks from side to side as he hugs him. He kisses Yeonjun's cheek, his forehead, everything he has access to.
Yeonjun doesn't know the last time he's seen Juwon so happy. Was it when he proposed, and Yeonjun said yes? Juwon cycles through few emotions like his everyday wardrobe: exhausted, stressed, remorseful, and horny. Happiness is like an expensive suit, only making appearances on special occasions.
Finally, Juwon pulls away and gets a good look at Yeonjun's face.
"What's wrong?" That smile, that beautiful expression, is already fracturing. Yeonjun feels it: tears, again. Juwon wipes them again, but says nothing.
"What's wrong?" Juwon repeats.
Yeonjun tries to summon the words he rehearsed so many times before Juwon arrived. I'm not ready to have a baby. I want to have an abortion. But the words tangle together into an incomprehensible knot. "No. I can't. I can't have a baby."
"What do you mean? It's positive, Junie."
Yeonjun shakes his head hard. "No. I don't want it. I want an abortion. I need an abortion. I need —" Yeonjun's breath hitches, his words start blending together. "You need to agree to it, that's the law. Please, alpha. I can't have this baby. I need—"
"Okay, let's sit down," Juwon says, and for the millionth time that day, Yeonjun is led over to the catch, instructed to catch his breath. They face one another cross-legged, Juwon holding Yeonjun's hands in a firm grip.
"Where is this coming from?" Juwon asks.
Yeonjun swallows. "I'm just not ready for a baby. I'm only 25."
"But we've talked a lot about this," Juwon speaks to Yeonjun as if he's a feral kitten. It doesn't what's good for him, it needs an adult to calm it down and lead the way. "We've been trying for a long time. It's not like this is an accident."
"I know, but I'm not ready."
"What changed your mind?" Juwon asks.
Yeonjun stares at the wall to the right of Juwon's head. How can he explain it? He never changed his mind; he just expected to. He always expected that one day, he would wake up and be ready for a baby. His lie would become the truth; and the persona clinging to his skin would finally seep into his soul. But it never happened, and perhaps it never will.
"You're just getting cold feet, Yeonjun," Juwon says. "It must feel scary, but you can do this, okay? You're going to be an amazing parent."
"No. I need an abortion."
"I think you just need to sleep on it, take some time, calm down a little."
Juwon's not getting it.
"You're not thinking clearly," Juwon says.
But how could he get it, when Yeonjun's never explained it?
"I need an abortion," Yeonjun repeats. Heat rises in Yeonjun's body, from his toes to the crown of his head. It itches and burns him, and it takes everything in him not to run away from it.
"You're just panicking. You don't need to make a decision right now. Let's just—"
Yeonjun wrenches his hands out of Juwon's grasp and launches himself off of the couch. As he finds his birth control under the kitchen cabinet, Juwon asks, distantly, "What are you doing?"
Yeonjun tosses the birth control pack to Juwon, who catches it easily. He looks down at it, eyebrows furrowed.
"What is this?"
"It's my birth control." The words rush out of him like a broken dam, and for a moment, Yeonjun feels instant relief at the release of pressure. Until it dawns on him what he just admitted to.
Juwon's hand stills, as if ice is growing out from the birth control and encasing his forearm. His eyes frozen, everything frozen apart from his chest, which rises and falls with increasing speed.
"How long have you been taking this?" He sounds as if he's run a marathon, he's so breathless. His cheeks are still ruddy from the cold, his fingers red.
"Since I started college," Yeonjun breathes.
Juwon lifts his foolish, devastated face. "You said you wanted a baby."
"I did. Or, I thought I would, eventually. But then it just never happened. Maybe one day, I will, but right now..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Yeonjun can't answer
Juwon's lips curl back and he throws the birth control across the room. It doesn't land anywhere near Yeonjun, but he still flinches.
"I've stayed at this stupid job, working 100 hour weeks, being fucking degraded every day because I thought I needed to because we were going to have a baby! Why would you let me keep going there when you know it's pointless?" After five years together, Juwon raises his voice at him. It's not first time Yeonjun's seen his anger, but it's the first time he's seen it dominate Juwon's entire body like this. His voice is a roar, his arms are gesticulating weapons at his sides.
"I'm sorry." Yeonjun's voice trembles.
"If I had known, I would have quit. I would have found something else, I would have taken time off... How could you do that to me? How could you let me stay there when you knew how bad it was for me?"
"I'm sorry."
"And — Do you know how worried my parents are? Do you know how many times I've had to convince them not to bother you about seeing a fertility specialist? Because I didn't want you to feel guilty." He laughs. "You should have felt guilty."
"I do. I'm sorry, alpha, I'm so— I'm so sorry."
"Yeonjun," he snaps. "I need to know why."
Yeonjun shakes his head. "You wanted a baby. And I should want the same things you want. You wanted to get married and have a baby, and I — I love you. I wanted to marry you, so I needed to be an omega who wanted a baby, and I thought one day I would be one, and — I'm sorry. I just wanted to be a good omega."
