Obsession [slow updates]

27

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Beyoncé could picture Nicki's face, the way her eyebrows would furrow in confusion. "Oh A-Are you ok?" Nicki asked.

She was still in Kehlani's apartment, just waking up. She'd been staying with her the past few days, getting to know her and hanging out. She hadn't expected Beyoncé to call - she thought things were officially over between them. Especially after how she'd treated Nicki in her hotel room. Her head was still spinning from Beyoncé's cruelty. She had been trying to process it, trying to understand what it meant for her going forward. She had all these feelings and Beyoncé had just insulted her, made her feel so small for having them.

Beyoncé calling her now felt so strange. Nicki couldn't deny that she still had hope, but Beyoncé had really hurt her.

Now her voice sounded different on the phone. She was self assured, as usual, but something was off. Nicki could sense it. Her own heart was pounding in her chest, her palms sweating as she gripped the phone tightly in her hand. She had been waiting for this call, had been hoping for it, but now that it was here, she didn't know what to say.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Beyoncé replied, her voice softening slightly. "I just...I had my last show." She paused, taking a deep breath. Previously that would've been Nickis first question - how was the show, was she okay with the tour ending, had she gotten some rest, etc.

But now, Nicki just breathed in the sound of her voice. She sounded relieved but there was something else there too — disappointment maybe. When Nicki didn't respond to her, she told her how the show went.

"It was good. It was really good." Beyoncé said, her voice soft and distant. Beyoncé smiled to herself, "but I think it's time to retire." She said getting to her point.

"Really?" Nicki frowned, her brow furrowing in confusion. The sun was beginning to rise and she could hear the sound of the shower running. "Retire? But you love to sing."

Nicki remembered the first time she'd seen Beyoncé perform. It was an arena - a sold out show in New York, and Beyoncé had been phenomenal. She'd captivated the audience. Her vocals were magical, her dancing was incredible. She'd captivated the audience just with her presence. It was rare to see a performer like that.

Beyoncé sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I know, right? That's what I said. But Jay... he thinks it's time. He thinks I've done enough, that I should focus on other things now — you know? Family." She explained.

Nicki could hear the turmoil in Beyoncé's voice. She knew how much performing meant to Beyoncé, how much she lived for it. The idea of her retiring just sounded wrong.

Nicki wanted to reach through the phone and tell her that her husband's opinion was stupid. She should leave him and be with someone like Nicki, who would support her no matter what. But if she said that Beyoncé would call her crazy and get annoyed with her again and they'd just repeat the cycle. Maybe Jay-z was right. Maybe there was a conflict between her passion and her love for her family.

"What do you want?" Nicki asked.

Beyoncé was quiet for a moment, her breath hitching slightly. "I don't know, Nicki. I really don't. I mean, I love performing, I love the music, I love the fans. But... I also love my family, Jay, and the kids. I want to be there for them. I want to be present, you know?"

Nicki nodded, even though Beyoncé couldn't see her. "I know you don't really care what I think but —"

"Nicki, I care what you think" Beyoncé knitted her brows together. Of course she cared. That was why she was talking to her, why she'd called her and not anyone else. Nicki answered the phone.