Is your joke still funny? (Book 1)

Maias story ❤︎

So I'm not sure if I'll post this but if I do, please, no hate.

There probably will be cursing in this but you can just skip it.

So I get a lot of questions on my twitter/ ask FM about 'my story'. I just don't feel comfortable answering them all at separate times so... yeah. Here's my story.

Everything started when I was 12 (June 2013). It's pretty hard for me to remember everything, it's, kind of a blur I guess.

So by August I had already been self harming for about 2 months. No one ever noticed my scars/ cuts apart from my older brother Jack. I begged him not to tell mum and dad and he didn't. He didn't help me either, he just left me. Now looking back on it I wish he would have just told someone, anyone, before it got worse. But he just acted like I was already dead.

I started self harming cause my best friend, Allie, committed suicide in the July because ofbullying. I couldn't deal with it. It was so fucking hard. I blamed myself for it... I still do. It just got me really depressed. What can I say, loosing someone that important to you that way will fuck you up forever.

Now I'm not saying that I blame her for me cutting... never in a million years would I do that. I just feel like it's an important part in my story.

My mum and dad found out about my self harm (in January 2014). They tried to take me to a doctor or at least tell the school. I wouldn't go. I didn't really give a shit about getting better. Finally i gave in. My mum took me to a psychologist and she was pretty cool. She didn't say really cliché shit. She just helped me, well tried to. I was also seeing the counselor at my school. He, on the other hand, was a total bastard. He would always try to get me to admit everything I was doing and everything I was going through. So I was getting as much help as possible.

After that things started to get really bad at home. My older brother started taking drugs. As you could imagine all the attention was on him. My mum and dad totally ignored me and all my problems. It was only my little sister, Cassie, that payed attention to me. For a seven-year old she was so understanding.

I moved out of my house for about a month. I just had to get away from the crap we call life for a little while. I went to stay with my friend, Jase, who still helps me to this day. That was a pretty rough time for me, not because who I was staying with, but because I felt like I was a burden to them. I just felt so unwanted and stuff like that.

I moved back with my mum, dad and little sister Cassie. My older brother was planning to move away to our aunts on the Sunday (I moved back on the Thursday). He and I had a massive fight over me 'not being good enough for our family'. He told me it was my fault he was moving, I believed of course.

Once Jack moved out things started to get better. I went back to school for a while. I was actually clean (if you don't know what that is it's not cutting) for about 2 weeks. Then my mum came home with a box of shit with my name on it. I opened it and there was a letter on top. To this day I still haven't read it all. It starts with 'Hey baby girl,' I couldn't deal with reading that. I looked inside the box and it was all things from Allie. There was letter for my moods, books she had written, old pictures of us together and her half of a best friend necklace I gave her.

I just broke. I hadn't forgotten about her of course but the whole box just made me break down. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to kill myself. I wrote a few letters. One for my mum, one for my dad, one for my friends, one for my brother and an extra long one for Cassie my baby sister. I never tried to commit before so as stupid as it sounds I didn't know what way to go. I relapsed; arms and legs. I took a ton of pills. And soon enough I got really dizzy and passed out. I was sure I was going to die.

Now obviously I wasn't there to know exactly what happened but my mum said they had to pump my stomach and stitch my arms and legs. I still have really bad scars from all the stitches. I had to get 14 on my legs and 32 on my arms.

I didn't go to school once I got out of hospital. I just didn't see the happiness in anything. I just stayed in my bed with the curtains closed and all the lights off for about a week. My mum came in to see me once. I wasn't that close with my family anymore only Cassie. Cassie would come into my room after school and sit on my bed talking to me. Sometimes she'd bring me sweets because they make her happy so she wanted me to be happy. If it wasn't for Cassie I would've tried to commit again.

So I didn't mention this I don't think but after my mum and dad found out about my self harm I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

After spending what felt like forever in my bedroom I went to school with Cassie for a couple or days. It was really cute to see her so exited and happy. I still felt pretty bad but she'd always make me feel better. The next month wasn't really that bad.I wasn't happy but it wasn't unbearable.

I logged into twitter in October 2014 (I think it was then anyway) and I just had so many hateful comments/ tweets/ mentions. I read some of them but the only one that stood out to me was this one; "No wonder Allie killed herself she had to have you as a best friend. No one wants to be seen with someone ugly and as fat as you.".

It's out of line for you to say someones fat/ ugly but to bring in my best friends suicide; fucking shame on you. It was a girl out of my school. I knew I couldn't go back to school. I knew I had to try and do it again.

This time I took a different choice.Its was already late and everyone else was already asleep so I figured why not tonight. I wrote out different notes for everyone. Then I put them in their rooms. I done Cassie last. I walked into her room and she woke up. So I hid the note behind my back and sat down on her bed. I told her I was going away for a little while. She told me she'd miss me but then she went back to sleep.

I ran out the house as fast as I could. I didn't stop until I got to Allies old house. Allies parents moved house after Allie died so there was no one there. I thought about everything here before she died so I decided to end my life there. I only ever told one person that I still liked to go there so no one should find me. I brought a bag with me so I could think things through. I took my phone out and smashed it. I thought they could have tracked me off it.

After hours of thinking, sitting on a dirty old carpet in Allies room, I heard a noise from the door. I backed into a corner and waited for the police to come and get me. I didn't think it would be this person. But it was Jack, my older brother.

We sat and talked for hours. When it got to the morning I was still alive but I didn't expect to be. I don't remember how cause its blurry but Jack talked me out of it.

Now, almost a year later, I still self harm but I had stopped until February (another one of my friends killed them self in February but that's too soon to talk about).

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Over 1000 words!! Wow sorry if you actually read all this cause it's depressing as fuck.

So I'm sorry for one long ass chapter.

And if I do post this it's for you guys.

I think Hannah may be posting her story but idk?

Hope you like my life I guess...

~ Maia x