Rubber Band Ball

Blue Eggs and Spam [c]

this is a story version of Green Eggs and Ham with a twist, enjoy ;)

Life as a filthy rich humanoid dog was nice until Sam arrived.

For the past nine days, the short anthropomorphic cat had followed Joey to various places, randomly popping up where he least expected him to be. Every time Joey would manage to escape, it would reappear, sporting the same yellow tunic and tipping the same fire truck red top hat in Joey's direction. The cat would call out verses in rhyme in an obnoxiously chipper voice while holding up a silver tray. So far, Joey had learned three things: first, its name was Sam-I-Am; second, it only understood words spoken in verse; third, Sam-I-Am really, truly, desperately wanted him to try a dish called Green Eggs and Ham. He'd even gotten Joey to look at it, catching him unawares while he was reading his newspaper.

It looked revolting, to say the least.

It wasn't that Joey was a picky eater. Being a well-to-do dog, he loved food, and was able to indulge in a wide palate of foods from different cultures. From deep fried tarantula to escargots, he would try them all.

But something about the green eggs and ham struck a bad chord in him. The tray that Sam-I-Am carried around was the same every single time; it had received a scratch somehow from the fox that he'd tried to bribe Joey with, and the tray had that same scratch the next time they met, and the next, and so on. Joey was sure the food wasn't being replaced. The eggs were very, very green and frankly, looked a bit fuzzy. The ham was unidentifiable, looking rather like something served in stereotypical school cafeteria lunches...except green. Surely, it would be nothing short of majorly deleterious to his health.

Joey sighed, pulling his black hat's brim over his eyes.

It had been a long day, spent attempting to evade Sam-I-Am at all costs. He'd tried to escape by car, and by train. In the car, he'd been so sure he was alone, until he looked in the rearview mirror and saw the cat in the backseat, offering him a bite of mold-colored egg. In the train, Sam-I-Am rolled a cart with one tray-the one with the scratch on it-and asked if Joey wanted green eggs and ham now that they were on a train. Joey had yelled in surprise and ranted at Sam (in verse, no less) about how he would most certainly not.

Joey had returned to his house, drawn all the shutters to block every last ounce of light he could, and sat huddled in a corner of his room in the darkness. Maybe if he kept quiet...

"Would you, could you..."

Joey's eyes flew open and he pushed his hat out of the way.

"In the dark?" Sam-I-Am said as he held out the gleaming silver platter expectantly.

Joey glared at the scratch on the tray. "I would not, could not in the dark," he said curtly.

Sam-I-Am was, as always, undeterred. "Would you, could you...in the rain?"

The next thing he knew, Joey was sprawled on the floor, coughing water out of his lungs while fending off the incoming spray of water from above. He caught a brief glimpse of the source: Sam-I-Am was standing over him with one hand holding the platter and the other holding his red hat above Joey's head. Water was gushing out of it, something that completely ignored every single logical law of nature.

As Joey gaped, Sam-I-Am promptly stopped the water flow and placed the top hat back on his head.

The dog was silent, not because he was speechless, but because too many unpleasant words were trying to force their way out of his mouth.

Sam-I-Am smiled obliviously.

"I would not, could not in the rain. Not in the dark, not on a train. Not in a car, not in a tree. I do not like them, Sam, you see!" Joey growled, using a substantial amount of effort to restrain himself from leaping at the cat's throat. At first, he'd wanted to resolve the issue in a civil manner, but it was starting to look like that was going to be impossible.

Sam blinked, seemingly paying attention to his sharper tone. Joey took this as a good sign to continue.

"Not in a house, not in a box. Not with a mouse. Not with a fox! I will not eat them here or there," he said, his voice then lowering to include a threatening edge. "I do not like them anywhere."

Sam-I-Am shuffled his feet unsurely. "You do not like green eggs and ham?"

That's what I've been telling you this entire time!! "I do not like them, Sam-I-Am." Joey answered and relaxed slightly. Perhaps they would be able to end their interaction on non-violent terms after all.

Sam-I-Am cleared his throat and waited a good ten seconds before speaking.

"Would you, cou-"

"NO!" Joey snapped, effectively cutting Sam off. "I've had enough of this."

As always when Joey did not give his answers in verse, Sam blankly repeated, "Do you like green eggs and ham?" He held out the tray which Joey had come to utterly abhor over the past several days.

A sudden idea sparked in Joey's brain. He went down to the kitchen and rummaged around in the refrigerator for the ingredients he needed. Sam-I-Am looked on curiously, awaiting Joey's response.

Finally, Joey turned to reveal the product of his cooking, offering Sam a steaming plate of food.

With a smile, he asked,

"Sam-I-Am, Sam-I-Am...Do you like blue eggs and spam?"

With wide eyes, Sam sniffed the blue entrée and recoiled.

"It's my favorite dish," Joey sang, forking some into his mouth. "Try it."

The cat appeared to apparently understand him now, slowly shaking his head and backing away.

"I am Joe. Joe-y-Lam. I will try green eggs and ham, if you will have blue eggs and spam." Joey challenged, staring the shivering cat in the eye.

Sam-I-Am blinked and molded his features into a glare.

"Blue eggs and spam? Blue eggs and spam? You'll only try green eggs and ham, if I try your blue eggs and spam?" He shouted incredulously, and scoffed. "Eggs green, yes, and orange, too, but eggs and meat should not be blue." Sam-I-Am made his way back to the door, and Joey, amused, followed. "I do not eat blue eggs and spam. I do not like them, Joe-y-Lam."

The door slammed shut with a finality that made Joey grin.

A few seconds later, it reopened to show Sam-I-Am again. Sam chucked the silver tray inside the house, and green gooey egg and chunky green meat splattered all over the floor. It promptly started hissing and bubbling, and Joey realized it was eating through the carpet.

"You can keep all your fabulous riches," Sam-I-Am hissed, abandoning his innocent act before closing the door again, this time for good.

Hurriedly, Joey mopped the green eggs and ham up before they could eat through the hardwood, and placed them in a metal container before throwing it away. He sighed, leaning against the wall.

"Poison," he remarked aloud to himself, and smiled faintly. "It wouldn't be the first time."