A for Anxiety (On Hold)

5- Please Don't Judge Me

"Oh boy," sighed Fizz as she reached the main road, "When my parents find out that I walked out of school during the day and missed all of my lessons, they are going to be furious."

In the mad panic to get through the hole in the fence, her school blazer had taken a bash and dirt was covered on the selves making Fizz look like she had been pushed into some bark or mud. She didn't want passer-bys to think that she had been the victim of bullying even though the damage had already been done.

Out of breath and shaking, Fizz walked past some houses towards a supermarket where she knew the bus to town went from. The only problem was that she wasn't wearing normal clothes but her school uniform and that was heavily on display.

"I could get stopped in the street or in a shop and the police might be called," wondered Fizz, "I don't want to go to prison!"

It was still not too late to turn back and climb through the gap in the fence and pretend that it didn't happen but the bullies would be waiting on the other side for her and the face to face with not only the teacher she abandoned but also her tutor who Fizz remarkably got on with quite well.

"I hope Mrs Waters forgives me for this, well, they would if they understood what I have and what I'm going through."

At the bus stop, Fizz made the decision to put her blazer in her school bag to keep it out of sight and took out some mascara that she carried around in her pocket to try and make herself feel confident around the corridors of school and some lip-gloss. If the bus driver asked her why she was out of school, her plan was to fake it and say she had a doctor's appointment. 

Getting on the bus, Fizz payed for an all day ticket which entitled her to travel around the city as many times as she wanted in just one day. The bus driver that she faced was a young male that couldn't have been older than twenty-one and to her relief, he made no questions as to why Fizz was out of school.

Unannounced to all of the bullies that Fizz had to put up with on a daily basis, she had an iPod with not only music but also her blog about Anxiety which she had regularly updated since the age of fourteen. The blog which she had designed herself looked professional but also creative as a single white butterfly adorned the top of the page with the title of the blog also in white next to it, "The Girl With Anxiety." Fizz's family nor bullies knew that she had this blog but for Fizz herself, it felt more like a personal diary rather than a blog. Logging onto her blog, Fizz knew that she had time to write an entry about the day's events so far but just take the names out of people involved.

13th June, the day I screwed up big time.

It's not often that someone with Anxiety actually manages to get herself into huge trouble but guess what happened? I, the girl with Anxiety has got herself into big trouble. This morning, I ran out of school which is something that I have considered doing in the past but never really found the bravery or confidence to do that and all on a day when a lot of responsibility was thrown onto my shoulders. For the first time ever, I had to lock up the house and make sure that things were safe, my parents work very hard to get us where we need to be and without them working, money would be tight.

So, that was all good then the bully boys started calling me by my surname and acted really pathetic towards me. My teacher saw and pulled me over and didn't tell off the boys which she should have done because technically, they've made my life hell for years and then I get told that all of my work is in vain and I could be pulled out from my GCSEs!

You need GCSEs to get a job, it's what employers look for. If I get pulled out, the family will be devastated and then the bullies would win. But, it's all too late. I've walked out, thinking about running away and never returning to the area, change my name and look for me, search for who I really am. Just not under 'The Girl With Anxiety', under my real name which I don't share here for personal reasons.

I can tell no-one will read this, it will be just me. I hope that something gets sorted out and I kick myself deeply for not being the confident, bratty sixteen year old girl that everyone wants me to be.

Signing off, 

The Girl x

Fizz sighed as the bus pulled into the bay at the bus station, no-one would read her words, all attempts to sort things out would be all for nothing. Why was she just plain stupid? The smell of coffee hit her as she made her way through the big shopping centre where lots of teens hanged out after school. The cafe that she always wanted to go into looked inviting what with all of the special offers out on display but could she really pull herself together?

"Look, it's coffee Fizz," she thought, "You like drinking coffee, it's not poison and besides, no-one I know is here."

Before she knew it, she was standing by the long, wide counter looking up at the drinks board as the smell of grounded coffee hit her almost smack bang in the face.

"What can I get you?" asked the lady with the long black apron behind the till.

Fizz took a quick breath, "I'll have a mocha please."

"Take-out or eat in?"

"Eat in."

Fizz watched as customers in the cafe were either talking quietly amongst themselves or were reading from one of the day's newspapers not giving a care about her watching them. After paying for her drink, she carried it carefully towards a two seater table and placed it down on the table top. As she was about to take a sip from the cup, she felt something rumble in her bag.

"What could that be?" questioned Fizz as she rummaged through her things, "Oh, it's my phone!"

Looking at the screen, she saw one new notification from a username that she didn't recognise on her blog which made her heart stop. No-one was trying to call her or anything but this was completely out of the blue as she hadn't had any comments on her blog at all.

She drank her mocha slowly as she went back onto her blog and read the long comment that was addressed to her:

To The Girl,

I don't know your real name or where you come from but I've been reading your posts for a while and after seeing your latest post, I thought that I would speak up. I'm a boy who is also going through some hard times at school what with bullying and all. Having Anxiety must be very difficult to come to terms with and you are incredibly brave for talking and writing about it here. I know that my reply is the only reply that you have had and I just didn't want to look like a stalker but the thing is, I'm not in school too. Hope things turn out OK for you and if you ever need to chat, I'm here.

From The Boy.

"A boy?" gasped Fizz, "A boy? All the boys that I've known have always been nasty and stuff."

Setting her cup down, she made the decision to type back a response to this user.

To The Boy,

I was drinking mocha at the time of hearing my phone vibrate and to hear my first comment from someone reading my blog was a lovely but scary surprise. I also don't know where you are from or what your name is but I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through these things. I know what it feels like to have everyone around you just judge you and throw rocks at you and all of the things that you do around school, it's a horrible thing and I wish that no-one goes through it. Feel free to message me sometime, if you want to.

From The Girl.

Looking at the time on her phone, she made the decision to head out and leave before someone from school was to find her in there. The mocha still tasted refreshing on her tongue as she left the cafe.

"Well, surprises do happen and that for sure was one of the biggest surprises that I've ever encountered!" she exclaimed as she walked on past some clothes shops and towards the town centre.

Ooooooh. Tis a mystery that needs to be solved, is The Boy a real person or one of Fizz's bullies? Read on to find out! Scarlett x