Sleepless (HIATUS)

09. cold cold cold

The air was getting colder, now, a breeze like the kiss of death whispering in between the layers of my sweaters. Grey sheetmetal skies blended in with my cigarette smoke. Austin was sitting with me behind the school, cringing a little and covering his mouth. I chuckled, but stabbed my smoke out anyways. He touched my hand, and I shrugged away. Birds called, sweetly whistling, but few and far between. They were flying south for the winter, and I wished I could, too.

"It's getting cold again," I murmured, seeing my breath in the air. Austin sighed. I didn't need to cuddle with him. I didn't need his cute little kisses, or his nicknames. It was frustrating him, I could tell. He thought we were in love again, but my heart was more frigid than the freezing rain that coated the ground each night.

"Want my sweater?" he offered, immediately shedding it and wrapping it around me. I rolled my eyes.

"Thanks."

The creaky old door swung open, and I heard laughter as footsteps brought the pursuers closer. Andie and Derrick were chuckling about something, but Austin seemed spooked.

"I'll see you later, Als," he said, passing them and leaving his sweater behind. He didn't make any eye contact with Derrick as he slid inside the building.

"Were you two having sexy time out here?" Andie asked, looking disgusted.

"No," I replied, "that's for later."

They made gagging noises. Quietly I thought about him, and felt guilty. And even though there was, physically, no space between Austin and I, I couldn't seem to relinquish the emotional space between us. It was like he was tied to a tree, with me visiting every night to have my way and my way only. Part of me loved having the upper hand. That was the part that knew I couldn't fucking handle him having control over me. Which was why I could always be in control this way, and I could still have parts of him.

If that didn't sound disgusting, I don't know what would. But all I knew was that this way, he couldn't hurt me. I could only hurt myself.

"So, Alan, am I still coming over tonight?" Dare asked quietly. He smiled, little freckles dancing on his cheeks. I nodded.

"Yeah. Sure. My mom misses you, I think."

"Cool." He reached over and scratched my head a little, like a puppy. I looked away. There was something a little weird between us, but I couldn't quite place it. I ignored the feeling anyhow. They started chain smoking, and I partook a little, but I mostly watched the sky. I thought about the summer. I felt nothing at all.

•••

"Alan!" Derrick yelled after me. We skated down my street, with me moving much faster than him. Wind whipping through my hair, I felt carefree. I felt brand new. I didn't feel like myself at all. I could hear his laughter, and, for all the strangeness, this did really feel like home.

Slowing down to a stop, I jumped off my board and waited at the end of the driveway for Dare. He wiped out, rolling into the grass.

"Shit!" he called out, clutching his elbow. Running to him, I knelt down and took a look. He was trying to sit up, holding his bloody elbow out to me.

"Awh." I frowned, gingerly holding the bruised, beat up thing. "You were going too fast," I mumbled, picking gravel out of his skin. His face was a foot away, watching me with light brown eyes. Sometimes they almost looked orange.

"I guess so," he laughed. We sat there for a minute, and he hissed a little each time I plucked a stone out.

"Alan?" He said after a bit. "Your mother is watching us from the porch. I think she thinks we're having a moment."