Lady Midnight (After the Iratze)

Confession

Emma couldn't sleep.  She couldn't breathe.  She hadn't spoken more than a few perfunctory words to Julian in the past three days, and it made her so angry!

When Emma was upset, her attitude became nothing short of scathing to everyone in a 50 yard radius. This meant that although the Blackthorn children and other members of the Los Angeles Institute had picked up on the tension between her and Julian, they had not dared to bring it up. She had been awful to everyone, making fun of Tavvy and Dru in training, pushing Ty to the floor when he didn't get out of her way in time, even making slurs against Mark and Helen for being part fey.  She had only spoken to Julian on patrol, and said nothing then besides "hello," and "goodbye."  She was a hothead, but everyone had to cool down sometime.  Tonight, lying in bed, she was cooling down.

It was just past midnight.  She wondered if Julian was sleeping. She couldn't go see him now, not when things were so strained between them.

Absentmindedly, she stroked the lines of the parabatai rune under her left collarbone. She remembered the certainty and determination in Julian's sea green eyes as he had slowly, meticulously marked her as a part of him, committing never to be parted from her. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.

What had made him turn away from her? She had been agonizing over this question for days, and there was only one explanation. Julian, who had always been so perceptive, must have figured out that she had feelings for him. In the training room that day, she had blushed when he touched her and lingered on top of him when they fell to the floor. He must have understood it then. She wondered if he knew it was love, or if he thought she was just sexually attracted to him. I don't know which would be worse, she thought to herself as she turned restlessly on her mattress.

I guess I could tell him I just feel attracted to him. That would be embarrassing, but at least not illegal. Anything is better than this.

Feeling suddenly resolved, she threw off her covers and rose from the bed. She opened the door and stepped out into the moonlit corridor. To her surprise, there was already someone in it.

"Julian," she whispered in surprise.

"Oh, hi... I was just going to see if you were awake. I guess you are." He grasped the back of his neck with one hand, clearly feeling uncomfortable.

"Do you want to come in?"

"Um, yeah. Sure."

She closed the door behind them and turned to face him. He had sat down timidly on the very edge of the bed, as though not sure whether he should be there.

"Listen, Julian. I know why you're upset." She sighed.

"You do?"

"Yeah. And I'm sorry. I can't control everything I feel. I'm so embarrassed that you figured it out, but I'm gonna try not to let it affect our friendship, okay?"  She felt her face burning as she stood in front of her best friend, feeling absurdly vulnerable.

"Wait, what?  You can't control how you feel about what?"

"About you," she said softly, her blush now spreading to the top of her ears.

"You... How do you feel about me?"

"Please don't make me spell it out, Jules. I'm so sorry. I won't act on my feelings, I swear. Please can you just forgive me so we can go back to the way we were before? I can't stand this, not talking to you."  There were tears brimming now, threatening to spill over.

Julian stood up and looked directly at her. There was something strange about the look in his eyes. She tried to turn away, but he grabbed her chin and made her face him.

"I can't stand it either Emma, but no I will not forgive you, and we cannot go back to how we were before."

Emma thought she might faint. He didn't want to be friends anymore? She had heard of parabatai who became estranged from each other, and had never understood how Nephilim could abandon their bonds. She wanted to say a million things, but only one word escaped.

"Why...?"

"Because I love you, you idiot."

And suddenly Julian's arms were wrapped around her and he had closed the distance between their bodies by pulling her close. She only had time for one gasp of surprise before his lips met hers. Emma had been kissed before; had done a lot of things before, but she had never felt like this.  Kissing Julian was a sensation that was entirely new and wildly invigorating.  He kissed her as if she belonged to him and without her he would not be whole; as if she were the only source of light in a world of darkness. There was hunger and passion, balanced by unparalleled tenderness.  She marveled in the thrill of discovery.  His lips were so familiar to her, yet she had not known that they were warm and soft, and that they could move with such gentle urgency against hers. She was hyper aware of his touch as one hand slid up her shirt and pressed into her back, while the other moved up the nape of her neck, burying those long slender fingers in her hair.

She moaned softly into his kisses as he stepped back, leaning backwards and lowering them both down onto the bed.

My bed. With Julian. Wait. We have to talk about this. If they kept going, they might not be able to stop. She already didn't want to stop.  Panic raced through her veins and she broke apart from him, breathing raggedly.

"Jules we can't just... We have to figure this out."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he replied, grinning sheepishly.

Emma rolled over so they were next to each other, propped up on their elbows.  "I can't believe that just happened."

"You're not mad about it though, right?"  Julian looked a little nervous.

"No, of course not! But, what exactly did you mean...?"

"I love you, Emma." His gaze was hard and steady.  "Not just as my parabatai. I didn't think I would ever be able to tell you, but I do.  How do you feel about me?"

"I love you too.  I was trying to make it seem like I just felt attracted to you, but I've known for awhile now that it's more than that... It doesn't solve anything though, Jules. We can't be together."  Her voice dropped to a whisper her last sentence, because it was painful to say it.

"It does solve something, Em. We've cleared the air between us, and that's worth everything to me."

He grabbed her hand reassuringly. She knew in her mind that they were in an impossible position. But in her heart she could only feel happy, because Julian loved her.