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Chapter FIFTEEN

It's a bad night, sleepless and lonely. I'm starting to realize that I don't have any friends left. Virginia is in a coma in the hospital, and the girls I talked to at work are probably scrambling as much as I am. And I'm realizing that Lucy was only my friend because I was with the band. I'm also on alert, waking at the slightest sound. In my head I know that Rick must still be in jail because there wouldn't be any bail until Monday morning, but I'm still jumpy.

In the dark lonely middle of the night, I get up and bake some cookies, listening to the radio, the music turned low. It's something to do, and it's soothing. The batter feeds some sore spot in my heart, and when I'm done there's a pile of cookies I can take to Henry.

Finally soft fingers of sunlight started to slide through the window, so I put on some shorts, make a cup of tea and head out to Electra's garden. The cool morning air feels good on my tired eyes. All the plants have dew on them. I wander down the pathways, sipping tea, stopping to look at the flowers dotted with water, letting my brain finally get quiet. Out here I can stop thinking. Things don't seem so hopeless.

After a while, I forget my tea and start pulling weeds from between the carrots, then around the squashes. Under the giant leaves I see bright new flowers and long green zucchini. My hands get dirty, and I start sweating, but by the time my stomach tells me it's time for breakfast I'm calm again.

As I shower and make breakfast, the thing I think about is the fact that I have a job. Things are going to get easier now. I'm not going to let Tyler get in my way.

He left one message on my phone the night before. "I'm not going to be a second stalker, but I really like you, Jess, and I wish you'd give me a chance to explain. If you can't, I'll respect that. And you don't have to worry-I won't make things awkward at the Spoon. I promise."

As I drive downtown, the words play over and over in my head. I'm torn exactly in half. On one hand, I couldn't stop thinking about the sex we had yesterday on the beach. Not just good sex, but "I didn't even know that I could feel anything like that" sex. I love kissing him and the way he feels against me, and, yeah, I have to admit it feels like there's something special between us.

But I was so hurt by the way he acted with his sister. And whatever else it made clear, it emphasized the differences between us. He might think he's falling in love with me or whatever, but I know what will happen. He'll fall in love with the novelty of me, of my background, the whole savior thing, and then he'll meet someone who has been to college or comes from some horsey family, and he'll see me through her eyes. I've seen it happen before, and I just don't want to be that stupid girl.

Really, I just don't want to be hurt. I've had enough hurt in my life.

What do I want, though? That's something Tyler has stirred up in me. I need to think about it, figure out a direction for my life. Virginia used to tell me over and over that you have to make choices or life makes them for you. So far, life has been making them and not doing the greatest job. I need to make my own.

There's a small parking lot behind the restaurant. Sam told me to park there for now, and he'll get me a parking slip for a lot on the corner. I bump down the alley, feeling nervous about running into Tyler, about starting the new job, about getting it right. My mouth feels dry and I wish I'd thought to bring my water bottle.

But there's no one else in the lot when I get there. I walk up to the back door and try to open it, but it's locked. When I knock, no one comes, so I go back to my car and lean on it, biting on my inner lip. I think about pulling out my new cell phone so I could text someone.

Not that I really have anybody to text.

It's only a quarter to eight, so I get out the phone anyway and dial Henry. He picks up on the third ring, happy. "Hey, sweetheart. What's kicking?"