Coffee & Criminals

23. Bad To The Bone

I felt like I was in an episode of the The Office. I wanted to turn my head and look straight into a camera with an exaggerated :O face except there was no camera and I was not, in fact, in an episode of The Office. However, I did feel as though there should have been some dramatic orchestra music in the background like there is in reality shows when something exciting happens. Or maybe a camera zooming in to my face really fast like in those teenage comedy movies where the main protagonist goes to school and realizes the embarrassing video of them doing whatever embarrassing thing has gone viral. 

It was a pretty riveting moment to find out that one of your best friends is related to a famous criminal.

The only thing I could utter through my shock was, "Clancy? Aunt? You? Whaa-"

Wolfe smirked. "You look like you're waiting for someone to put their dick into your mouth."

"-aat?"

He took the files from me and pulled out Clancy's medical history. "But here is what I don't understand." Wolfe said, all businesslike as if he had not just insulted me. "Under her family history, it's stated that Clancy Devans has no siblings. She was supposedly the only child."

Finally, I shut my mouth. Mostly because I was afraid a bug was going to fly in there. Trying to process everything, I glanced down at what Wolfe was pointing to. Printed in black ink, under her family history, was exactly what Wolfe said. Nothing. There was a little slash going through the line where the sibling names and ages were supposed to be listed. "That's right." I nodded. "Clancy doesn't have a sister. Or at least, she never mentioned one."

"Here's the thing though," Wolfe said. "Last week when we came to the shop, I asked Jasper to get me something of this Clancy woman so we could run a DNA test for confirmation. He swiped a coffee cup she drank out of. And guess what?" He slid me an opened letter. I pulled it out and read it carefully, still not believing it fully. "The tests came back positive. We're related by blood."

"But Clancy has no sister, Wolfe."

"Maybe they're estranged?"

"I don't know." I stared at the DNA results. "But even so, what brought this on? Is that why you came to New York? To find your family?"

"It was part of the reason." Wolfe said. "In criminal cases as mine would be if I went on trial, I would be given no less than the death penalty. That much I know. But the only witnesses that could testify against me is your parents, you, and my family. And the federal government would not be so honest as to take the testimonies for truth- they would plant the evidence needed for my execution. For any of my kin still living, they would be subpoenaed and forcibly held in court for a false testimony that would grant me a death sentence, as witnesses who are family members are usually valued above all else."

"I don't understand. Even if they did find out that Clancy Devans was your only family member still living, she wouldn't testify against you. They could force her all they want, but I know Clancy. She wouldn't have wanted this for you."

"I'm still trying to figure it out. Thanks for listening, Florence. Can you do me a favour?" Wolfe asked.

"Absolutely not."

"Can you not mention this to anyone?" Wolfe asked without acknowledging my blatant refusal. "I know you have a problem with keeping your mouth shut, but I'm asking you on this. Unless you'd like a repeat performance of one certain night, I think you have enough motivation to keep quiet. Just this once, please."

"You do realize that I'm just going to repeat everything you've ever said and done to the cops as soon as I get the chance, right? There is no-" I poked my chest and then poked his to emphasize. "-partnership here. Do you realize how much trouble you're putting my family and me into? Boy, you've got a bounty on the back of your head. I'd like to avoid a life sentence in prison, thank you very much. Although if they allowed me one Twizzler a day, I might reconsider the offer."