High All The Time (A Mace Multi-Chapter Story)

High All The Time [Part 4]

It's not easy, being stoic, you know.

Sometimes, things happen, and you can't help but fall apart a little - no matter how much you want to seem fine. I wanted to seem fine. I wanted to seem okay. I wanted to seem like I hadn't woken up at mid-day every single fucking day for the past three weeks and hadn't left my house for the past two. I wanted to seem like I didn't have a problem. Three weeks worth of hangovers and cigarettes didn't do anything. Well, I mean, the cigarettes made my house smell like crap - but, you know, that's kind of what happens when you smoke inside with most of the windows closed.

Tyler had texted a few more times. His valiant attempts to try and cheer me up were definitely appreciated, but unsuccessful. But, I was fucked up for a valid reason, I suppose. After questioning my sexuality for years, and then finally having a good relationship - and then, having it all fall to pieces in front of my eyes, so quickly...that's a shitty situation to be in. The constant flow of alcohol probably helped numb the emotional pain a little bit. Temporary fixes are nice. But that's all they ever will be - temporary.

The shitty part is...I didn't have a permanent fix. For all I knew, I was going to slowly become an anti-social alcoholic hermit who drowned all their problems in liquor and nicotine and only left their house to buy cigarettes, alcohol, and groceries.

Against all better judgement, I called Grace. Again. I had been trying for weeks to talk to her, but she never answered.

"Mamrie...?"

"Oh, Grace. You...you answered," I said, "It's about time."

I heard Grace sigh from the other side of the phone. "I know what you want to talk about."

"Did it take you three weeks to figure it out?"

"The whole...thing...or whatever it w-"

"Relationship. It was a relationship," I interjected.

"Uh, yeah...that. That was kind of a...I don't know...like, a temporary thing. We both knew it would never last that long. Reasonably speaking."

"Reasonably speaking?" I exclaimed.

"Yeah," she said, "Like, an episode. Just...something that happened. Nothing was concrete about it. I mean, be reasonable, it wasn't like...real love, I guess. There wasn't any overwhelmingly intense passion and spark. It was more like a friendship for me at least."

I huffed in exasperation, "How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. We were together for 2 years. Its not very pleasant to realize that to you, those two years were only 'an episode' and a friendship."

Grace didn't say anything. There was just a tense silence. It was loud silence. The silence spoke more than words could at that point. "I...know," came her weak reply, "I know. But, I...I don't know where I am - sexuality wise."

"Oh.", I dropped head to my chest. How could I not have seen this coming?

"Yeah, uh, once I figure all that out, maybe I'll know better."

"Let's hope."

"But, for the time being, can you just let this go and forget it?"

"Do you want to know why I find it so hard to let you go and forget about this?" I said, very quietly, and I paused a while. "Its because you are...or, rather were," I emphasized, "The love of my life, Grace. But now I know that you didn't want to be. That's hard to let go and forget."

All I heard after that was a click, and then the dial tone. I felt her absence, suddenly, more prominent and absolute than before.

I didn't know what to do.

Sometimes, people say things to you, and you can't help but fall apart a little - no matter how much you want to seem fine. I want to seem fine. I want to seem okay. I want to seem like I haven't woken up at mid-day every single fucking day for the past three weeks and like I haven't left my house for the past two. I want to seem like I don't have a problem with what's happened. But fuck it, I do.

I don't know what to do.

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Sorry I was gone for so long. Stuff was happening.

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Thank for reading.

Have a wicked awesome day.

-Sammy Rose