A Long Hard Fought Journey (Completed)

Chapter 43: Life Never Gets Any Easier

  A/N: I have added a song to this chapter it is called Waiting For Superman by Daughtry. Enjoy. 

                                                             Joseph's POV

It has been another 8 years. Today I am doing everything to distract myself but it doesn't seem to be working. Today marks 16 years without Izzie and almost 8 without Leo. This pain is far too real. Why do bad things happen to such good people,just why,I thought. Those words were in my head all day. Nothing made today easier and nothing could work to distract me. Every time that I look at April today she reminds me of Izzie with her cap on covering her short hair. I can't bear to look at her too long and I almost cry every time I do. She acts like Izzie so much and is always hugging me.The only difference when I look at April is that she has my hair color not Izzie's blonde hair. Every year that passes makes it longer since I have seen her and I miss her and it makes it harder. Mary-Kate and Jenna are 28 each of them have a boyfriend. Bailey is 22 and had graduated high school 6 years ago and Izzie missed it. April and Jessica graduated high school 2 years ago and Izzie missed it.Mary-Kate and Jenna graduated college and Izzie missed it. This gets harder and harder. Whoever said that life was supposed to be easy. It definitely isn't,it is harder than anything and seems to get even harder. April and Jessica is 20 and April is here everyday checking in on me and talks to Casey. She has been at college but in the evenings after classes she drives down. Like today she didn't have classes so here she is trying to convince me to get out of bed and once I do it isn't for very long. I'm depressed and I know it. Hazel and Noel are now 16 just like Leo except that he is gone and has been. It is so hard. I really just want to die so I can be with Izzie. My mom keeps trying to convince me to do more out of the house but it is hard because she isn't there by my side to do it with me and she misses out. She isn't here to laugh with me.I miss her laughing along with me. I haven't dated anyone I love her to much and it seems as if I would be cheating on her. Today Hazel comes into my room. She sits down and hugs me just like Izzie used to do.  Listen,Mom wouldn't approve of this,what about angels,she can see all of this and she probably isn't impressed,you have to start getting over it,it was almost 16 years ago,Hazel said. How do you know you never even met her she died before you met her and she died from cancer,you have that risk too you know,so don't talk to me about her not approving because you don't know her,wait I am supposed to get over my dead wife and your dead mother,I yelled at her with anger suddenly built up from talking about Izzie when she never knew her and I pulled  away from her. She ran crying from my room into her own room slamming the door. What did I do she was only trying to help,I wondered. I mean yeah I get pain and anger built up when I think about it and her leaving me. Some days,I almost forget that she's gone and then I remember and it is like a bomb exploded and the pain comes back hitting me too hard.This isn't fair to Hazel and I just yelled at her when she was trying to help. April came up stairs. She was still small,frail,and skinny.She had my height just a little bit shorter. She came in and said what were you doing I heard yelling. I put my head into my hands crying. I shook my head. I looked at her. I accidentally just yelled at Hazel when she was trying to help what did I do,I said.Just apologize,you need to talk to her you don't know how she feels because you always talk about your life and get emotional when she brings up Mom,talk to her,April said hugging me. You are the best dad you can do this and you can get through this,she said. That gave me the courage to go down the hall to Hazel.  April went downstairs with Noel and Casey. I opened the door. I found her sitting on her bed crying into her hands. It reminded me of Izzie when she was this age. Hazel,sweetie,I'm sorry,it's just a hard day for me,I said. She looked up and came running into my arms. She hugged me,wrapping her arms around my neck,standing on her tippy toes. I held her up hugging her. It's okay I forgive you,she said.  I made her sit next to me on the bed. Listen about your mother,I said. The reason I yelled today is I'm stressed,today is the day that I found your mother laying on our bed the night after the make shift honeymoon that I threw for her to make her happy,she was struggling against cancer,and that morning I came back with breakfast and I found her dead next to me,she passed that night in her sleep and I didn't get to say goodbye and she left me with all 8 of you,I said starting to cry. She hugged me. I understand I read mom's letter and she said that she had cancer and explained that I might get it too and she explained that she thought that she was dying,Hazel said. I pushed the cancer thought from my head and then you yelled it at me but it is okay I understand,Hazel said.I'll take you and your sister for dinner tonight,okay,you need to get ready,I said. Okay,she said. I went out back to my room. I was thinking about what Hazel said about angels. She was right. I looked at Izzie's picture,crying,talking to it. I had her pictures everywhere. I told her,you were truly an angel,I love you,I loved that you never stopped trying,and you wrote letters and they were letters from an angel. I then got ready and dressed. I pushed through my pain. On our way to Cracker Barrel since that was what the girls wanted,I got a phone call. I didn't recognize the number. I answered it anyways. Hello,I said. Hello,are you Joseph,Izzie's husband,she said. Um,yes,who is this,I said. The girls were staring at me,they could hear it was a girls voice.My name is Elizabeth,Izzie and I met in college and we were close friends,I was friends with her on Facebook,and I have been trying for several months to contact her because I saw pictures but it wasn't working since my phone was messed up so I couldn't read it and so I called her 100's of times since we lost contact,I texted,and I messaged her through Facebook and tried everything but I never heard back and I thought she was ignoring me,then of course I remembered your name and you were in the phone book so I decided to call and see what was going on and if she was okay and if you don't mind I would like to speak to her,she said. I almost started to cry. Elizabeth,you can't speak with Izzie, you didn't hear,you don't know,I exclaimed with tears still in my eyes. No know what,she said. Izzie has passed,she had cancer about 3 times and she lost the last time,I couldn't touch her stuff until 8 years after her death and I had cut off her phone not being able to touch it and I couldn't afford it and today marks 16 years since she died leaving me with our kids and her adopted sister has been helping me, I am very sorry that you didn't know, I am so sorry,I said. It's okay, I'm sorry too,she was so nice and never gave up or stopped trying,she said crying. Bye,I said. Bye,she said. I hung up and pulled off the road starting to cry. I had one of my girls sitting up front. They hugged me just like Izzie and I finally got calmed down and stopped crying. I pulled out starting to drive.  We made it,ate and had a great time. It still isn't the same without Izzie. I danced with both of my girls at home that night. I stayed awake most of the night. Why does such bad things happen to good people,I don't care if it was 16 years ago it feels like an eternity,I thought. I thought about Izzie's quote every time the pain got bad,it was from her favorite book called The fault in our stars. It is:" That's the thing about the pain it demands to be felt".I fell asleep that night. I got up the next morning and the girls left to go to school so it was just Casey and myself. I decided that I was going to make Casey a breakfast in bed since she went back to bed after the girls left. I haven't done this since Izzie died. I will love her forever and always.