Fine

Six: Nothing

It has been a month since the boy in yellow came to Louis' Diner and I can't remember what he looks like anymore. All that I see are those haunting pair of eyes he has that I wish I could stare into them face to face and not in memory. But I'm coming to learn how to move on because it's obvious that I'll never see him again, and soon he'll be nothing but a spec on a dusty computer screen along with the other dust displayed on the screen.

Yet the reason why I'm thinking about him at the moment isn't because I want to see him again, but because I'm home alone. And I need to think of something other than the flooding memories that desperately want to make its presence known and heard. If I do that then Ma will certainly send me to a rehab center or to the hospital or to the loony bin. Either one of them is scary to go to, and I'm trying my hardest to not have a relapse, if you will. I don't want to go back to those therapy sessions or to the hospital because I've been skipping.

And here I am under my bed laying on my side hugging my legs in the hopes of finding some sort of comfort by doing this. There is none. And I am so thankful that Ma and especially Anya aren't here to witness the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. The thought of them catching me crying silently is enough to have me sobbing because I promised myself to be strong for them and I broke that promise. I failed them. Instead I caused them more harm than happiness which only makes me cry out in anger, in guilt, in sorrow, and in disappointment.

It's the reason why I stay to myself and why I don't say anything. Somehow in my sick and twisted mind I have created this belief that if I keep them at arm's length it will actually help them instead of hurt them. It's stupid. I'll be the first to admit it, but after so much heartache I sincerely think that if I'm not on their mind then their life will be easier to deal with.

I shut my eyes tightly and bite my tongue to force myself to stop crying. Slowly I begin to hiccup from the vehemence of my cries, and the taste of metal devours my senses until that is all I can concentrate on. Blood. So much blood - so much blood until the sight of so much of my blood forced me to black out into nothingness. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital with so many tubes coming into my skin pumping liquids into me. The sight scared me and my heart started to pound fast, minimizing the distance of every beat every second. The doctor came in and told me what happened immediately after seeing my frightened expression. Then he told Ma and I'm almost certain she cried and cried and cried and cried because when she came to visit me her eyes were puffy with heavy bags. She sniffled every once in a while. She refused to bring Anya with her for visits. That hurt.

My vision begins to blur and everything starts to come as one, and I can't distinguish anything from each other. I roughly wipe the fresh tears from my cheeks and squeeze my eyes shut before opening them again. I try to contain myself. I don't want to go haywire. But staying at home alone for hours is going to make me go insane.

Maybe if I keep myself occupied then I won't have flashbacks. With that thought in mind I crawl out from under my bed and decide to tidy up my room since I have clothes on the floor in a disarray. I bend down and pick up every fabric of clothing until I can no longer carry any more and dump them in my dirty laundry basket that is empty by the side of my desk. I repeat the process a few more times and by then the basket is full.

By now I decide to do my laundry and I pick up the basket and carry out of my room and to the laundry room next to the kitchen. I separate the clothes by whites, light colors, and dark colors. Then I push a few buttons before the washing machine starts to fill up with water and I dump in the white clothes in before pouring in a cup of soap. I shut the lid and turn back around and head to my room where my next mission is to clean out my desk. I should probably do my late homework but it wouldn't be enough. I'll finish all of my homework in approximately one to two hours. Then what'll I do?