Sleeping With a Friend

Chapter Twenty-Five

Ashton and I sat across from one another in a small diner a few blocks away from his house. It was already 1 am, which meant I had spent majority of my night with him. The waitress walked over and handed us our coffees, the smell making my eyes widen and my body feel a bit more awake. I stared at the cup in front of me, holding back on the conversation we have yet to have: the real reason behind all of this. It wasn't like I was dreading spending this time with him, if anything I felt like I needed it. We had spent so long ignoring each other and pretending like the other didn't even exist that I completely forgot just how he made me feel when I was around him. I was so consumed in getting over him, that I just went right back around and ended up in a booth across from him.

The night had went like this: after we left Sophie's we walked for a bit, ending up at a small bar that neither of us had heard of. There, we had a few drinks, nothing too much to make me end up in his bed though. When we had left the bar, we just walked around aimlessly until finally ending up back at his car. The entire time we just talked about the now, not the past. We talked about the wedding coming up, which we both agreed was happening much too fast.

Maybe that was my problem that I wanted to talk about what happened instead of just letting it go.

Yet as much as I could sit here and just stare blankly at this cup of coffee in front of me, Ashton was still there and after the pleasant night we had, it deemed as though he wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

For the time being, Ashton was still in the topic of Sophie and Luke, giving his reasons why he thinks they're moving so fast.

"I think she's pregnant and they want to get the wedding over with so that they can be a family." I placed my forearms on the table, propping my forehead on my hand with a heavy sigh as he continued, "Luke always wanted to be married before he knocked someone up."

"Ashton stop." I interrupted him, rubbing my forehead.

"What? Too far?" He amused, "No talk about babies just yet?"

"No," I crossed my arms on the table, "What are we doing?"

He gave me a puzzled look, "Having coffee?"

"At one in the morning? This entire night we didn't even talk about what happened and honestly I'm not sure if I'm ready to just go back to being friends with you. Not after everything that we've been through." As the truth left my lips, I watched Ashton's smile quickly fade away. I could read the disappointment across his face, telling me that I just ruined that nice moment we were having without having to actually say it.

But I had to say it, I had to bring up the topic or else I felt he would have just let it go, be a thing of the past. Lord knows I couldn't do that even if I tried.

"What do you want me to say Y/N?" He tiredly sighed after a few long moments.

"I want you to tell me how you feel, or how you felt about me. You didn't just come by my apartment that day, you stormed into my apartment. What was that really about? I feel like I should be asking myself why I even agreed to you in the first place." I realized now that I was digging up feelings that were six-feet below the ground. Resurfacing them caused my head to pound, reminding me of why I buried them in the first place.

Ashton stayed quiet, nibbling on the inside of his cheek. He and I were both at a loss for words now. I couldn't fill the void he had left and he couldn't fill the one I had just opened.

"What about you and Michael? You didn't waste much time in moving on now, did you?" Ashton sat back in the booth like he was relaxing in his confidence. I should have known he would have used that one on me.

I shuffled around in the booth, gathering my things. My phone's battery had died long ago, which made me feel bad in case Michael had been trying to reach me. I actually expected quite a few missed calls to show when my phone did decide to turn back on.

Before I completely got up and left him in the booth, I thought about my actions and the night we shared, through all the laughs and smiles, it was all just fake. I needed him to tell me the reason behind all of it, yet there was still a voice in my head that disagreed. It told me to just walk away from all of this, which would bet the smart thing to do.

"Just tell me one thing." I blinked slowly, my words shaking as much as my hands, "was any of what we had real?" I was on the brink of tears when I finally choked it out. And all I got in return was a sight, then Ashton looked down, avoiding my gaze. I huffed, knowing I shouldn't have even brought it up in the first place. But there I went, asking away to please my own unknown thoughts.

And there I went, right out the door of the diner, leaving Ashton sitting in the booth much like I left him in his house, the same thing happening yet again.

Was I set to just keep repeating this cycle over and over? Leaving Ashton after we fight, only after he saves me from a fight with Sophie.

Or was I meant to pick? Michael or Ashton.

Ashton, who makes butterflies appear in my stomach when I see him, who has a permanent place in my thoughts.

Michael, who saves me from all of that, makes me feel so safe when I'm with him.

Or...was I doomed for this limbo from the very start?