The Story of the Vampire, L (Completed | Featured )

Ch.9, pt 1 - Laurent (A Letter. 1970)

Dear Kitten,

It had been good to see you, those few days last month. I do understand that you needed to go home expressly, but only, I am sorry that you seemed sad, and I am sorry for the things that I said to you. I hope that you will write and tell me that we are still on good terms.

Did it scare you, when I became very upset? I am sorry. You know that there are things between us that cannot be talked about. Oh, I cannot stand it when you are looking that way, so down. When you told me that you would not come out with me anymore, it is only that I felt abandoned, and that I have so wanted for your presence when I cannot see you. I won't say more. I know that you do not like for me to beg.

I am sitting now in my place, in my flat, and it is very empty. And I think of calling you, but I fear that your other will pick up at yours, and that he will shout at me. You will know that I cannot abide his shouting. I think of how he was in Paris, when you came, is it already a hundred years? It must seem a long time for me still to talk of it. I am sorry if you don't want to remember. 

He spat on me, kitten. I am upset that you would allow him to tell you that you cannot see me anymore. Am I not allowed to call you either? I do not know. Have we not given him everything he has? Did I not promise to forsake you even then, and tell you that I would have nothing to do with you, because you had blackened my door with him? Did I not tell you that I had spent a long time going without you, and forgetting about you, and that I would not go to bed with you, or love you as you wanted? I told you then. And you made me want you, and now is it that you say "Oh, no more?" 

Here my closet is full of your clothes, and I have many colors of make up on my vanity that I do not wear, and sizes of shoes that do not fit my feet. I am lonely for you. I cannot go into my room. Certainly, I saw you only a month ago, but knowing that you will not come, it makes me feel crazy and as if I cannot belong anywhere. Changing clothes, it is impossible, when there hanging are your satin corsets, and your heels neatly laid. I am pining. Nicky came and said that he saw you in America, and that you wouldn't speak of me. Please, kitten, I am not hysterical. I can speak reasonably. I promise. 

Do you not want to come? We can go to Cannes. I want to sit out with you, and you under your big hat, and see that you are happy. Be truthful, kitten, are you happy there? If you are, at least tell me so. I want you to come and wear your silk robe, which you like so much. You have said to me many times that your other has too many rules about how you should look and how to behave. Come and I will let you whip me for calling you names. I ache to be whipped. My fingers tremble. 

And I will sit with you in the bath, in the steam, and listen to you breathe. I will wrap up your hair, and I will not kiss you if you do not want it, or touch you intimately, only, come so that I can see that you are all right, and not in pain. Do not be so upset, as I worry for your health. But if you would suffer to be touched, shall I tell you how I would drag my fingers over you, so that your supple skin will flush under my eager fingertips, and spank you for making me feel so left out? And pull your hair, and bite you because you have been very badly towards the poor self of my body? My body, which you know suits you far better than his. Is that not why you wanted it? 

I know that you love him, pet. I know that. Do not think that I do not understand and appreciate how well he has cared for you, and kept you, and how even now you say that he surprises you, and helps you feel alive. I know that some of his censure you feel is good for your peace of mind, and that he has made you feel closer to your God, and to your sense of yourself. I know that you would not be the same without him. You would not still be my good, and sweet Leis, so resilient, and soft spoken. Please do not think that I hate him, as I said to you, and which upset you so. I do not hate him, my darling. It only hurts me that it was you who came back into my life. I did not seek you, pet. Know that I didn't. When you left me when you were young, I accepted it. But it is harder now, and as hard as it was then. It is as if you have taken away the breath of life from me. How I looked forward to your face, and the soft purr of your voice. I have nothing now. There is nothing to look forward to. Does it really hurt him so much to lose you for a few days? 

If you come, I will behave. Believe me, pet. You can say or do anything to me that you want. If you want to watch my television and have me keep away from you, I will do it. If you want me to crawl on the floor, and lick your heel, I will do it. Only come, so that I can see you. Please. Please. I am completely yours, and can barely utter "I". Whatever punishment I deserve for wanting you, it will be easy to do it. Your other, he said that he wishes I were dead. Should I die, kitten? Do you think that it is a good idea? Would it be better for you if it weren't for my desiring of your face? Only tell me. Pet, these long hours, I do not know what I should do. I have felt a long time as if I am waiting for the next stage of my life. I am locked up here. I feel very anxious. 

Dasius, when he visits, says that I should go away to Leechtin's or visit my brothers where they live. But I do not want to see them, pet. I only want to see you. Did you know that an old acquaintance came to speak with me, and asked to stay the night with me here, and what I said to him? I told him that I have longed to kill him, that I have for all my life dreamed of killing him. But now I wonder why I dreamed it, and why for so long? I have seen so many troubling things, and for what do I rigorously hate him? For abandoning me and my brothers as children? Am I not worse than he is, who is called "Vasvius", worse than him because he is living with a nice man in Naples, and happy? I would never let him sleep here, and remind me that I am absolutely lonely. There are many nice men, pet, and handsome. But they are not like you, who is naturally so gentle, and so kind. With you, I have felt so safe.

I think of how I behaved, and what I said, and I want to jump from my window. Dasius took away the cutlery and told me I am not allowed to go out unless I am headed for someone's care. Do you see how he worries? He is so tiresome. He brings me little bottles, and he tries to ravage my aching body like you do, but it is not the same. I won't let him sleep in my bed. All I want is news of you, and he doesn't have it. I take his drugs to please him. Sometimes I strike him, and he does not fight back. I wish that he would a little. I do not like to be treated like a sad china doll. 

If I die, pet, will you be sad? If it upsets you, do not tell me. Sometimes I feel that the idea of it is all I have. I am not being clear. I am feeling lost. Later today, the new tailor is coming, and he will measure me for the Fall line, and if I might fit into sample shoes. As you know my feet are very narrow, and so they are not fitting some of these new shoes, but I do like them because they are getting very high heels this season, and so I hope that it will turn out well. If you come, we can look at photographs of the new things, and you can help me choose. I think that there will be some money. Oh say that you will come. I promise that I will not be very serious. It will be all pleasantness, and I will not cry when you leave this time. 

I would never strike you in anger, pet. I do not understand how he could do it. I do not understand at all. Kitten, there are no others. There are no others. There have never been. There have never been. If you will not come, at least pray that I might be saved by your God. What can be the harm? Only, do not think my name, and he will never know. I hear that you had a nice time with Nicky, and that he likes you very much. I am glad of it. I am wonderfully glad that you are so good with him. Kitten, please protect me from him. Please, you don't know what has gone on. Oh I will not ask you. No. It is not your burden. Come only if you want to come. I am on my knees. I tremble to kiss your ring. You are my king in all things. I am a wretched queer thing what commits many errors. I am at your feet. Do with me what you would, or do nothing. 

There is enclosed a scarf for you to wear, since it will soon grow cold. Please remember to dress warmly, kitten. I am worried. If it pleases you, tell Jackie to take great pains with school, and if you will allow it I want to send him some small sweet things from Laduree. 

With affection,

L