Oblivion

Dreams

Night time has always been hard for me. 

It seems to be the time where all the demons I keep hidden from the world come out to play. In the past I had let the demons dictate my life. For the majority of my life I have been made up solely of pills doctors prescribed to me. After a while I just stopped taking them. I hated it. I felt like a fuck up, everyone dancing around things as if I was going to break at any moment. The pills are meant to 'control mood' in reality it took away your choice of even having a mood. I felt nothing.

It had been years since I had swallowed my last pill and for some reason tonight, I felt the urge to open my medicine cabinet once more. I read the labels of the old bottles. Doctors had a way of making even the smallest cold sound complicated. The bottle for my depression read something along the lines of, "to help maintain a positive mood and increase endorphin  production." What the bottle should have read was, "help fuck ups like you not feel so fucked up." I didn't really want to take any pills, so I set the bottle down and closed the cabinet. I don't know why I hide myself from everyone. I guess after many years of pretending to be something I'm not I sort of lost myself. 

It's been a while since I lived with someone else. I found I was more productive on my own early on in college. Roommates sound like a good idea and in the movies appear to be as well. In reality a roommate is just someone who borrows your things without asking, and lives in the same area as you. As soon as I was old enough to move out of the dorms I did. I have been living alone for a solid three months and I have yet to regret the decision. The one downfall of this choice is living with myself. Nights are the worst. My thoughts eat me alive and I no longer have the distraction of someone else. My friends come around often but they have lives as well. I have always enjoyed my own company in the sense that I know I'm alone but at the same time I'm not. I have my friends communicating with me at all times. Sometimes I feel bad knowing that this life I'm living is all a lie. I pretend to be happy and content to trick my mind, and most days it works. Then today it changed.

Since Daniel had come into my life I had become nothing but a mess of self- doubt and insecurities. Every word he spoke I took in to my head to decipher as if it were some riddle only I was meant to solve. I have never become so consumed in another being before but he fascinated me. He was not your typical mystery. He did start out that way though. I didn't even know who he was in the beginning, now I did and the mystery should have ended, shouldn't it?

These questions were things I had constantly asked myself. I felt as if I was becoming a badly written character in your typical love story. The only difference was, I won't lose myself to another. My mind won't let that happen. I can't even figure out the maze that is my mind, I wasn't about to open up to a person I didn't even know. I was the true mystery of this story. I was a mystery even to myself.

The night progressed as did my thoughts. I kept returning to the thoughts of my past. Everything I had become was because of those dark times. I no longer feel upset about falling into the hole that I was in, but grateful for where I am now. There was no true epiphany as an outcome but there was a sense of self. 

To myself and to my friends I had become this warrior, I have always been the strong one. I am strong because I am grounded and the foundation that is made up of my family and friends is strong. I don't take people for granted because time is precious. Why even bother hating people when in the end we are all going to end up in the same place. In the ground somewhere. Some graves will be marked and others will be lost to the world completely, in the end we all go to the same place. Where that place is all depends on what you believe in. I believe that when we complete this world that's it there is nothing else. The point to life is there is no point. Some things don't have to have a rhyme or a reason they just are.

I looked at the clock to see how fast time seemed to be moving. It was four in the morning. I would have to be up in three hours for my first class. To many this would seem impossible, but this was just how I worked. I hardly slept, nor did I need to. My mind was constantly moving, and even when I do sleep I can never stay that way for long. Most people succumb to their dreams and sleep peacefully. I however, tend to sleep actively. 

I guess you could say living alone wasn't only good for me but also good for my roommate. She no longer needed to worry about my constant sleep walking. Every night I would end up in the same place, a window at the end of my dorms hallway. When I was awake I never even took notice there was a window there, yet somehow in my sleep it carried me to that place. After a while she got tired of being called by the dorm officer to come and get me. She told me I needed to either try to restrain myself or get medicine. Yet another pill bottle that now lives deep within my medicine cabinet. 

My past sounds so typical. It's because that's what I am. I'm a typical girl with brown hair and dull brown eyes. I am that hopeless romantic girl who fell in love carelessly once before and is now afraid to fall in love again. I go to school, I'm not the smartest girl in the class, but I'm not the dumbest either you can simply call me average, and I was okay with that. You'd think that years of being overlooked by people I would want to change, maybe try standing out in the crowd or something but I was content with my life. 

The only part of me I am not content with is the part that kept telling me to hide these thoughts. I only think these things at night, I have always wondered why I don't say anything about it. Surely I couldn't be the only one thinking all these things. I wonder about death, the world, and love. I have thought of ending my life and starting a new beginning with another. I watch television envisioning myself in the spotlight one day. I do fantasize my life as someone completely different, a stranger of sorts even though I am content with who I am. Surely I can not be the only one to do this. When I meet people on the street I wonder if they question who I am as much as I question who I am and who they are.

I want to know people. I want to be known by people, but I want to be average. I my friends am I walking contradiction.