phan one-shots

i have to go

This is vv angsty. Sorry. I might do a part two depending on what I feel. Anyway enjoy the phic.

Word count: 1648

Trigger warning: self harm, depression/depressing thoughts, mentions of rape, verbal abuse, mentions of physical abuse, mentions of alcoholism, anorexia, suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder.

Summary: Dan writes Phil letters in a journal based on Phil's actions.

Dan's p.o.v.

Dear Phil,
You've been like this for a while now. I don't know why, because you won't tell me anything. I worry so much about you, but you won't let me in anymore. Almost like you're afraid of yourself. I remember the first time I asked you what was wrong. Do you remember? Ive never seen you so red. You yelled at me to leave you alone and to mind my own business, but you are my business, Phil. You're my whole life. Well were my whole life. I don't even know what my life is anymore, because you so obviously want no part of it. I'm sorry for causing you trouble by staying around Phil. I promise I'll be out of the way soon.

Dear Phil,
You really hurt me today. You brought your stupid friends over again. Do you remember when we used to have friends together? Now I have no one and you have everyone. That hardly seems fair, but I don't need anyone. Well besides you. And I don't even have you anymore. Where have you gone? It's like you've completely disappeared from my life and I've looked so long to find you but I can't. Instead I find this horrible ugly beast. It's like you're hidden in the shadows but I'm too afraid of the dark to go in there and look. So I guess it's my fault. That's what you tell me anyway. It's all my fault.

Dear Phil,
I'm astonished. I really am. I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore but I never thought you'd go this far. You called me a worthless, ugly, fat faggot. I guess it's true because you said it, but I always thought you hated that word. When someone would yell that at me you'd turn and I'd have to beg you not to do anything. I can hardly imagine that Phil anymore. You'd let then yell insults at me all day and you'd probably help too. Of course I would take it like I always do because I still love you. That sounds so pathetic but I really do, and I hate myself more than ever because of it

Dear Phil,
Please don't mind my writing cause I can't stop myself from shaking. I'm so so so tired. But I can't sleep. You've been in here every single night for the past week. I don't know where you've gotten all this energy from because when we made love before you always got tired afterward. I don't know if it's the alcohol or just hormones that's getting to you, but you go on for hours it seems and even after I can't sleep because I'm crying too hard. You didn't even prepare me first, do you remember? The first time you stormed in here a week ago, you grabbed my hair and spit disgusting insults at my face. Then you took off all my clothes because you know i hate my body but you kept yourself dressed. You forcefully fucked me all night, even after I begged you to stop. I guess the tears weren't enough to signal that I was in pain, or maybe the blood, or you didn't care enough to stop. I'm guessing it was the latter. I think I deserve the pain though.

Dear Phil,
I've never been one to self harm, you would know that, but ever since your abuse started I can't find a reason for me to not do it. The idea of carving lines across my skin seems way too irresistible.

Dear Phil,
It's been a week since I've started cutting. Every day. Every night. Since I don't sleep anymore I have plenty of time to cause myself more pain. Every time you say another insult to me, that's another cut, almost like tally marks. So far, I have 98 and counting by the hour. I deserve it though, I really do. I've caused you so much trouble, I'm surprised you haven't kicked me out yet. Actually I'm surprised I haven't left yet. I guess it's because I have no where else to go. I always figured we would be together forever so I didn't need my family or friends, you were all that mattered. Now nothing matters to me anymore.

Dear Phil,
I can't do this.

Dear Phil,
I know it's been a while since I've written. That's mainly because I don't have the energy to anymore. I was fat so you don't let me eat. You lock me in my room when you're not here, which is always, and I hardly get any water. I feel myself going mad. My stomach is imploding in on itself and I feel like if I step the wrong way, my legs will break. But you still think I'm disgusting. Well I am, Phil. I'm disgustingly thin and if I don't eat, I might die. Well I might die anyway. All i do is lay in bed and look up at the ceiling, so it gives a lot of time for creative thinking. We live on the 40th floor so I simple jump out the window wouldn't be too hard. But I'm terrified of heights and I want to die knowing I'll be safe. I could just cut all the life out of me, it wouldn't take too long due to my current health. Or I could swallow all the 3 bottles of pain pills I hid under the bed. Or I could hang from the rope you use to tie me up with when you rape me. Or I could just wait it out and let myself starve to death. There are so many ways I could go, but I've decided on the way one considering I don't have much energy to do anything. I'll just take the pills, although I'll probably cut before, just to make sure.

Dear Phil,
It's all set up and honestly I couldn't have been more happy than I am right now. You'll be leaving in a day to visit family for the holiday. Of course the house isn't decorated, we haven't done anything like that since you changed. I still often wonder why it is that you changed but I don't dwell on it because the blame always ends up back to me. I blame myself for enough as it is. Anyway, I'll be doing the night you leave. So when you come back I'll be long gone and there'll be no chance of my survival. That's all I can ask of you for Christmas. Please don't save me.

Dear Phil,
Tonight's the night. You beat me and raped me last night because you won't be able to when you're gone. Or ever again, but you don't know that. I'm sure if you did know you wouldn't care. I'll be writing letters thought for my family and ex friends just to make sure they know I love them all. And to you. I'll be writing you a letter and it will be special I promise. You deserve only the best. That's why I'm leaving, because all I do is bring you down. I know I'm a waste of space and energy, and I'm so sorry.

*suicide note*

Dear Phil,
I love you. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry for being annoying and fat and stupid and ugly and gay and worthless and a complete waste of your time. I tried so hard to get you to love me, but someone like me could never have someone like you. You're too perfect. I want you to know that you've really hurt me these last few months and I know you probably don't care enough
, but there is a journal right next to the note. If you want to know why im doing this, read it. This is my perfect Christmas present. And yours. So happy Christmas, Phil. Have a good life, i know you will without someone like me in the way. I love you.

- Dan x

Dan was crying, even though he promised himself that he wouldn't. He knew he wanted this. He knew everyone wanted this. This was the way his life was meant to end. He knew it. But even as he knew it, he still hesitantly opened the pill bottles and readied the sharpened blade. He gently placed all the letters in order with the journal next the Phil's just incase he wanted to read it. He looked one last time at the picture of him and Phil when they were happy, and he started sobbing harder. He knew all of this was his fault. He knew that Phil could still love him but he didn't, and that's why he has to go. He has to go and make Phil happy. He has to.

He gathered all of his energy and started with the blade against his right wrist, cutting as harshly as he could manage with how weak he's gotten. Almost immediately he started bleeding due to his skin being so thin. He didn't want to cut too deep so he would pass out, just feel enough that he would feel the pain. He then cut on his other arm, on his chest, stomach, and thighs, not anywhere that he hadn't already cut. None of them were too deep, but they were bleeding more than usual. He noticed this and hurriedly took the pills by 5's, each time taking huge sips of water to wash them down. He had just finished one bottle and was starting on another but he suddenly lost focus and dropped the pills. He dropped his head as it suddenly felt to heavy to hold up and fell onto the ground, knocking over the pills next to him by accident. His last thought was of Phil and his reaction when he saw Dan's body lifeless, and how happy he would finally be.