Hot ashes from the burning blunt I was holding hit the bed as I stared out of the window. If I had been smoking with anyone other than myself, I wouldn't have let it waste like I did just now but my mind was in another place. I was numb, here but not at the same time. A fucked up but necessary situation will make you feel that way.
I don't know how I fell into the life I did, but it was the only thing keeping me fed and sleeping in a comfortable, dry bed. When I begin to feel like this, I have to remind myself that it could be much worse for me.
"You wanna sleep here for the night?"
"...huh?"
"I'm asking you if you want to spend the rest of the night with me."
"Why would I do that?" Peeling the once cool, now hot and lightly drenched with sweat sheets, Alonso slid in and up behind me, wrapping his muscular arms around my body. The warmth of his embrace made me feel secure, but the fact that I knew it was him made me want to cringe.
Alonso Rhames wasn't a bad guy - he just wasn't the guy for me. We met at a bar - yeah that's right a bar. That day wasn't one of my best. I lost my job, my roommate kicked me out due to fear that I couldn't hold up my end of the rent, and it was raining. I remember so vividly that I could smell the mix of fresh rain and whisky on my shirt right now. I had to have downed 5 glasses just in that hour, and everyone in the bar, including Alonso had noticed. Only difference with him is that he decided to interact with me.
After my hilarious-to-others-but-embarrassing-to-me display of intoxication, I thought it would make sense for me to try and walk back home by myself. Once he finally got me to calm down and sober up a bit, he offered to take me nack home with hom instead of traveling drunkenly down the busy streets of Brooklyn. I was already worn out and a little afraid of the dangers that awaited me so I took him up on his offer. We made it back to his home, which turned out to be an unexpected 5-star apartment. He toured me around, made me feel comfortable in his expensively decorated bedroom and held a pretty descent conversation with me for a while.
That is until we ended up fucking. Yeah I know, he's twice my age and then some, why would I do that, but it didn't matter to me that night. As a matter of fact nothing did, I had basically lost everything and all hope. To my surprise and satisfaction though, he turned out to be amazing in bed. Turns out age being nothing but a number checks out on both sides of the spectrum - at least for him I guess.
I continued with him after that, and for a while it was nice, but something deep down inside me knew that he didn't posses what I really wanted. I expressed to him my exact feelings, but he still relentlessly pursued me. I told him I needed a break, which lasted about a week until I went running back. Being horny on an empty stomach can sure as hell make you reconsider you decisions.
And that's exactly how I winded up here, staring blankly into space in bed with a man I don't really love. He wanted something I felt guilty about not wanting to give: a stronger connection.
"It's late...3:47 in the morning to be exact. A young woman of your pulchritude walking home this late is suicide." Lightly rubbing my arm, he left wet kisses from the nape of my neck down to the middle of my bare back.
"...maybe I'd rather be dead than risk going another round with you." His hearty laugh filled the once silent room, invading my ears. I meant it the way he obviously took it, but there was a bit a seriousness there.
"You didn't sound to disappointed with my stroke game a couple of minutes ago..." I could feel his hard-on poking, damn near stabbing my naked ass almost as soon as those words left his mouth. That was my cue to get up, get my shit and leave. I don't know what kind of middle-aged man he was, but once he got started, there was no ending it until he got a release.
"Really though Alonso, I can't stay."
"Nonsense, I know for a fact that you don't have anything planned that'll be affected if you stay."
"Oh really? What are you trying to imply, that I don't have a life?"
"Seven, if that's how you want to interpret my words, that's you, but that's not what I meant. Don't take however you're feeling out on me."
"Listen, however you meant it it doesn't matter, I have a job interview tomorrow morning anyway, despite popular belief." Finally backing off of me, he sighed and sat on the edge of his bed.
"Now why would you go do that? I told you that as long as you were with me you wouldn't need a job. No woman I'm with is about to be in the streets working."
"Are you saying that for my benefit, or yours?" I asked and put the Swisher filled with marijuana out on a nearby ash tray.
"Either way, you know you don't have to do that Seven."
"Oh I do, and I want to. I appreciate all that you do but trust me, I don't feel right being 21 year old woman and jobless. Call it entertainment if you want."
"Whatever, let me know when you get home or else I'm coming for you, and it won't be pretty."
"I'll try my best to remember to." Sliding my skinny jeans and t-shirt on, I finger combed my jet black bob until it looked decent.
"Here, hold onto these for me." Picking up my black lace panties, I rolled them into a ball and placed them in Alonso's hand, lightly planting a kiss on his lips. I could feel his irritation and resistance to let me go, I couldn't stay and didn't want to, but I didn't want him to feel like I wouldn't be back.
"You know you drive me crazy right?"
"It's your fault for letting me." He couldn't help but smirk. After walking me to his door, I was finally free. The cool New York breeze blew my hair in the wind, the strands tickling my nose as I walked down the street. It would be impossible for me to find a cab at this hour, so walking had to be my choice of transportation. Crossing my arms, I set out on my journey home.
One of the reasons I loved to New York was the scenery. It didn't compare to my home country Antigua, but something about the ruggedness of it appealed to my senses. The sounds of sirens and wind whipping by eased my nerves as I continued down the street.
I know it's weird to think that something as obnoxious as sirens could ease one's nerves, but the fact that I know someone else is there calms me. Once I finally got to my brownstone, I was beat. I went inside, threw my bag down and lay sprawled out on my bed.
I needed to get some rest for my interview that didn't exist.
