Con you not? (Jc Caylen / Connor Franta fanfic, + many guest stars)

Chapter 12: Cry Myself to Sleep

I cried. A lot. I tried not to but when it got to around 9pm, I couldn't help it. It probably didn't help that I was seriously tired and was experiencing a mixture of feelings about going home the next day. I was excited to see all my other friends and been with my parents but I was scared to face the fact that it was like running away from my feelings which I vowed not to do at a young age. I was also leaving Jc and Ricardo behind. Obviously I was more bothered about leaving Jc behind but I still loved Ricardo. Even though Connor would most likely be at home by now, he was still closer to me now than he will be tomorrow.

After we left the airport, we drove back to mine and Elly's hotel to begin packing our stuff. Jc vlogged again with a very glum look on his face. None of us were in the best of moods after watching two of our closest friends leave us, knowing that we'd be leaving tomorrow. Both Jc and Ricardo asked if we wanted any help packing but we insisted that we do it so that we know where everything is. Instead, they lounged on our beds watching ABC family on our never-been-used TV. Pretty Little Liars was on so I forced them to leave it on.

Once we were finally done packing we had nothing to do but wait to fall asleep and wake up knowing I will be flying home in a matter of a couple of hours. ABC family were obviously having a PLL marathon but eventually, as I had already seen all the episodes multiple times, I began blogging about my stay and what I thought the future would hold for me.

It turned 6:30pm so we went out for a subway. We were back at the hotel for around 7 as we didn't spend that long out, compared to the usual. The first thing I did was open my MacBook to see if any of my favourite YouTubers had posted any new videos. Both Ricky and Connor had posted a vlog. I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch Connor's yet so Elly agreed to watch Ricky's first. He spoke about how he had really enjoyed his stay and how he'd loved meeting me and a 'special someone', as he said. He left my links in the description and told everyone to go watch my videos etc. It was really nice of him and it made me happy.

Jc and Ricardo left before I watched Connor's vlog. They were going to pick us up and take us to the airport and we had to give back our rented car already. Jc had been a little distant since the surprise kiss Connor gave me. It was understandable really, and I was kind of glad he did. I realised he was doing the right thug of giving me space and allowing my think things through. He knew I would be honest with him when the time comes that I choose. I knew he would always be there for me, but then I hoped that so would Connor.

I fell asleep reasonably early, at around ten, after crying myself out of energy. I was tired and needed to get some sleep so that I wasn't that tired at the airport, otherwise everything could go wrong. I rested me head on my pillow and thought about everything as I drifted off. I thought about Connor's video for my 18th. I thought about the comment I left him on his video, all the messages we sent each other, when we Skyped, when he introduced me to Ricky on Skype, the day we actually met in person, how he said everything was supposed to be a surprise, the night he was drunk and I held his hand, the three words he had said to me, all those days we spent making videos, shopping, laughing, dancing. I thought about every detail of him leaving, causing tears to pour out of my eyes. I thought about the kiss. I thought about Jc's kiss. I thought about Jc and when we first met, how and when I first watched him videos, how he inspired me too, how we held hands and watched the stars under the moon-light, how he got jealous of Connor, but how he was always still really comforting and how they both simply made me feel. They both made me feel at ease, cared for, amazing, beautiful, and maybe even possibly, in love.

Could I really be in love? After everything I had said about loving people or even liking them. I could never do it. But that was then. I'm older, I know more about myself than I could've ever imagined, these guys were two of my best friends. Both Connor and Jc will least be there for me, I just know they will. I believe I can trust them with everything and anything. Every time I'm around with one of them, I get butterflies and this feeling that I just cannot describe. Jc's kiss. Connor's kiss. They were both perfect, but in completely different ways. I loved them both and I had no idea what to do about it yet.

In these past couple of weeks, so much more had happened than what would've happened in a couple of years back in England. So many thoughts and emotions were flooding through my brain. I was leaving tomorrow to go home, to see my family, to see my friends. Maybe they could help me sort everything out. Mainly my friends of course; sometimes it gets too awkward to talk to either my mum or dad about relationships, no matter how old I am. I wanted to go home and see Jess, Amanda, Hannah and Sophie. I had already planned a sleepover party for us five, including Elly. I needed to tell then everything. I needed them to help me figure everything out. Hopefully they could help me work things out. Elly surely had plenty to say about her trip and I'm sure all the girls would love to hear her gossip, if they hadn't figured out already from my #Rilly tweets.

As soon as I got home I was going to have to run to Tesco to buy a couple of tubs of soft scoop vanilla ice cream for us all, but mainly for me as I was going to be crying myself to sleep for the next few days until I figured things out.