call me dan ➳ phan

31.5

  I can see Phil get up from the chair he was sitting in in the corner. He gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. I don't tell him to move, but when Phil starts to scoot closer to me I move away just a little bit. Then he stops and stays where he is.

  Phil begins to talk, "So when I did leave, at first I did leave because of what you told me. But it's not because I'm an asshole- much of one anyways."

  "Then why did you do it?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows together. "Why would you just leave when I told you something that I trusted you with?"

  Phil sighs. "It's because I was confused, okay?" He says. "And I know that sounds really selfish of me and that you are probably going through so much more than me, but it's the truth. I was confused on what to think at that moment, what to say, even what to feel about the whole situation."

  Phil takes a moment to pause, thinking of what he wanted to say next. "I really liked you, Dan. I still do. But in that moment I just needed some time to think. It's not everyday that someone drops a bomb like that on you, so I just needed some time to process that."

  "Then why couldn't of you just told me that? I would have given you time." I say. I'm getting angry at this point, which really doesn't surprise me. Like, I would've understood. He didn't need to ignore me. But although I'm angry, I said I would listen so I just need to sit through about four more minutes of this talk.

  "It's really selfish and horrible of me, I know. But please Dan, you have to understand." Phil basically begs. "But when you told me it was a big shock. And I will admit, after about a week I wanted to forget about you so I could just stop thinking about you and how horrible I made this situation between us.

  "But that's just it. I could not forget about you. You were constantly on my mind, 24/7. And it was so frustrating not being able to stop. But I think that was one of the moments where I realized that I truly love you Dan.

  "And I didn't know if since you are a boy and I love you, if that means I'm gay, or bisexual, or something. And that was hard for me to understand and come to terms with. But recently I realized that it really didn't matter." Phil pauses for a second.

  "It didn't matter because I realized that I still love you whether you're a boy or a girl or if you're anything else. I fell in love with you. Not your gender. And I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way anymore, but I am so in love with you. And I don't think that I will ever be able to stop loving you."

  It's like everything had just stopped. We stare into each others eyes, him waiting for an answer, and me trying to think of one.

  But after not hearing those words come from him for such a long time, it's so different. After a while of neither of us answering, I finally decided to speak.

 I can feel tears in my eyes, one tear spills out and rolls down my cheek. "And I really love you too, Phil." I say, giving a little laugh as I wipe the tear away, am I really crying again? "I understand where you're coming from, and I forgive you.."

 I can see Phil's eyes widen in hopefulness. "But I really think that I just need some time to think about whether or not I can trust you again. Can you just give me that?" I ask.

  Phil nods. "Yeah, of course." He says, getting up from my bed. 

  "Thank you Dan, for listening and understanding." He says. "Talk to you later, yeah?"

   "Yeah, I'll talk to you later. : I can see him heasitating, looking as if he was wondering whether or not he should hug me. But in the end he just left with an awkward goodbye, which was okay with me.