Broken Rules - Phan

Part 14

This. This is when I started to break down. After I had left the office of the mother superior, I began to burn inside. I couldn't look at anyone. For fear of them seeing the truth pour from my eyes. Usually I was so good at concealing, so good at hiding my every motive. But now I was a tower of jenja blocks; with one small breeze, I was sure to collapse.

I staggered down the stairs, I ran past the dorms and I fell to the floor when I couldn't run anymore. Not out of exhaustion, but the tall, black gate erupting out of the ground. I put my hands on the bars and slid down until I fell to my knees and my head was resting on the bars. I didn't let it all out until I felt the cool metal on my temples, my knees on the solid ground and the isolation consume me.

He had killed someone. His cold hands that had once curled in my hair, held my own hand and brushed my neck had wrapped around someone's trachea and caused them to cease existing. The Phil Lester that shot nerves up my back as he traced my hips with his fingers, the Phil Lester that meant the world to me and the same Phil Lester that I was in love with was the same Phil Lester that had killed someone.

And that's when I realised, I loved Phil Lester. I loved him with all of my heart. I realised that loving someone wasn't the butterflies in your stomach, or the intense passion or even the prospect of a future. Love was being able to look at someone and just smile because the shade of their eyes was home. Love was the soft smile that reaches up to your eyes whenever they say something cute. Love was crying during and after arguments. Love was anger. Love was soft and sharp at the same time. And love wouldn't hit you in the chest, or the stomach or your dick. It would resonate throughout your entire body. Until it pained you to think about them, pained you to worry and pained you to care. I was irrefutabley in love with Phil Lester.

It wasn't timed the best. And I didn't understand why I had come to that conclusion now. Right now I wanted to slap, kiss and cry on his shoulder at the same time.

Mother had told me he was to leave immediately, as "taking advantage" of a student was not allowed. She said that if I told somebody I had willingly engaged in the activity, she would give me the worst punishment available. Either way Phil was going to have the most awful fate in store for him.

What I hadn't realised in all my time at the school, is that the mother superior took in criminals who could be prosecuted for their crimes with evidence. But there was a lack of it in all of their cases. If a reformer were to ever cross the boundaries, break the rules, she would muster up the evidence and resurrect the trial. And that was what Phil had in store. He was going back to jail.

My tears had now dried and my face felt warm and rigid. I would've cried more, I would've filled all the fountain with tears, but my body couldn't take it. My eyes were heavy and so was my face, my hands had taken a gross, milky white colour from holding on too tight.

That seemed to be my problem. Holding on too tight. Sitting there, feeling the small drops of rain begin to tap me, I let go of the metal bars. I let my arms fall to the floor beside me, my hands with the palms up. The rain cooled my hands and I let out a deep breath. Let go. Let go of everything. That's what I told myself. That letting go was the easiest option. But the easiest option is usually the one that leaves the most scars, that makes you scold yourself for being a coward.

For as long as I could remember I'd been a coward. Hidden away from my problems and pushed them away. Because if you couldn't see them, if you pretended they weren't there, there was no problem. Right? Wrong. I knew right then that if I didn't tell Phil how I felt now, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

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Authors notes mean a higher word count so yay hiya hope you enjoyed the chapter, hope it was a right lol,
This is short af but oh well byeee