Fun in the Oven

Chapter 6

"...that's another touchdown for Eddie Scott - the Gotham City Wildcats are killing it tonight..." blared the radio as Joker and Crane drove hastily through the streets of Gotham.

"Joker, what is a touch-down?" asked Crane.

"It's a goal. Gets you six points," replied Joker.

"Damn him!" growled Crane, folding his arms across his chest and scowling at the radio.

"Geez, you don't hold a grudge, do ya, Johnny?" said Joker, glancing at him. "So a guy chooses to do football practice over an essay of yours ages ago. So what? It's not like he killed your parents, or pushed you into a vat of acid or something."

"It's the principle of the thing, Joker," retorted Crane. "I can't expect you to understand it."

"No, it's crazy," agreed Joker. "And I usually understand that. So the fact that I don't just makes this beyond crazy. And you don't wanna go there, Johnny. Trust me, I've been. I was Martha Wayne, Bats was Thomas Wayne, it was all really messed up."

"Why..." began Crane, but Joker held his hand up.

"Never ask why with crazy, Johnny," he muttered. "It don't have a reason. Do you wonder why Batsy is Batsy?"

"Yes, I often consider what could drive a man to..."

"No reason. Just crazy," interrupted Joker.

Crane sighed. "Eddie Scott was...everything I wasn't," he muttered. "Strong, handsome, athletic. He was also a genuinely decent young man, very kind, not your typical jock. And he was an excellent student, with a bright mind that showed great promise. I liked him. I really did. And he respected me. He was actually very interested in pursuing a career in academia. I encouraged him to try to enroll in a Masters program - he would have made a very capable teacher. As part of the Masters application process, he had to write an essay explaining why he wanted to do the course. But he never did it. He told me that he had chosen to pursue his football career instead."

He sighed again. "When he told me he wouldn't do that essay...it was like he was telling me my whole life was a waste. He didn't mean it that way, but I couldn't help but feel that the route I had taken was...a lesser path, somehow. I mean, if men were allowed to choose their destines, don't you think I would have chosen his? Of course I would have. Who wouldn't want to be a professional athlete over a college professor? But I...never had that choice. And I suppose it just bothered me that he did. And that he...made his life into a success. While my life has been nothing but one failure after another."

"Shouldn't compare your life to other people's, Johnny," retorted Joker. "You'll go crazy. And you never really know the full story. I mean, yeah, he may be professionally successful, but maybe his girlfriend's cheating on him or something. Maybe he's gonna get an injury that'll ruin his career forever. And maybe some small part of him does kinda wish he'd taken that other road. I mean, some people don't actually love being in the spotlight all the time, myself not included. Maybe he would actually prefer a nice teaching job somewhere quiet, away from the bright lights. It's like Harley and me."

"How...is it anything like Harley and you?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"Well, people look at our relationship and judge it as crazy and horrible," he said, shrugging. "They think she's nuts to stay with me, or stupid, or both. And they think I'm just some abusive bully who don't care about her. But you know that ain't the case, right, Craney?"

"Is this...a trick question?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Oh yeah, I hit her," agreed Joker. "But she loves it. Pain's kinda an aphrodisiac for both of us. And it ain't abuse if it's consensual. If I didn't care about the little brat, I wouldn't keep her around, would I? I'd get bored or shoot her in the head or something. Some mornings I wake up, and I'm just in the mood to strangle something, y'know?"