Fun in the Oven

Chapter 10

Harley awoke in the middle of the night to hear a sound from the bathroom. "Puddin'?" she asked, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "You ok?"

"Fine, Harley, go back to sleep," snapped Joker.

"You sick?" asked Harley, getting up and knocking on the bathroom door.

"No!"

"You sound like you're throwing up. You sure you ain't sick?"

"Yes, I'm fine, you nosy little brat! Get back to bed!"

Harley shrugged, heading back to bed and climbing under the covers. A few moments later, the Joker emerged, scowling angrily as he climbed back into bed. "That crap you made for dinner probably gave me food poisoning," he muttered.

"I ain't sick, puddin'," she replied.

"Good for you!" he snapped, rolling over to face away from her.

Harley sighed. "I thought I was meant to be the temperamental one," she muttered, rubbing her belly gently and shutting her eyes.

She woke up again a few hours later when she felt the Joker roll over in bed again. "Puddin'? You still awake?" she murmured, yawning.

He grunted in response. "Everything ok?" she asked, sitting up slowly. "You don't usually toss and turn like this."

"I'm an unpredictable guy!" he snapped.

"I know, puddin'," she murmured. "But is there something on your mind that's keeping you awake, maybe? You know you can always talk to me."

"The last thing I wanna do at 4 A.M. is talk!" snapped Joker, sitting up and reaching for his robe. "I'm going to my study to do some work. Plan a scheme or something."

"Ok, puddin'," she murmured, quietly.

He turned to look at her. "You...ok?" he muttered. "You need anything?"

"No, but thanks for asking, puddin'," said Harley, surprised.

"You ain't got cravings yet or nothing, huh?" he asked.

"Well...I'm actually really in the mood for some ice cream," she murmured.

"Yeah, so am I," agreed Joker. "Back in a sec."

He returned a moment later with two bowls of chocolate ice cream doused with chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and sprinkles. "This is real nice of you, puddin'..." began Harley.

"Hey, don't start with all the mushy gratitude stuff," muttered Joker. "I mean, what do you expect me to do, just ignore the fact that you're pregnant? That's my kid in your stomach there," he said, pointing. "Kid came from me. Gotta take care of the dame who's carrying Joker Junior, don't I? You don't need to be crazy to see the sense in that."

"No," agreed Harley. "Just kinda...unusual for you, puddin'."

"I told you, I'm an unpredictable guy!" he snapped, returning his attention to his ice cream. They ate in silence for a while.

Joker cleared his throat at last. "You...uh...worry about how the kid's gonna turn out?"

"What, you mean if the baby's healthy? I'm taking every precaution, puddin'..."

"No, I mean...in the long run. Healthy baby's important too, don't get me wrong, but...what if the kid...I dunno. What if he grows up to be a nerd or something?"

"Well...I hope we'll love him however he turns out," murmured Harley, "Or her. I know I will."

"But what if the kid...I dunno," he repeated. "What if he...ain't crazy like us, Harl? What if he sees the world the way...say, Bats sees it. What if he thinks we're...bad?"

Harley was silent. "I guess...we'd have to respect his...or her decision," she murmured. "I mean, I guess even if they wanted to be Robin..."

"Oh God, Harley!" exclaimed Joker in disgust, burying his head in his hands. "Don't even make me think about that, would ya?! I'm gonna have nightmares for the rest of my life now!"

"Look, the point is we'd still love him, or her," retorted Harley. "You don't stop loving people just because they disappoint you, or just because they don't turn out quite the way you want them to be. This is your kid. You gotta love them unconditionally, whatever happens."

"Yeah. You're used to that, ain't ya, you worthless brat?" he muttered.

Harley beamed. "Uh huh," she said, kissing his cheek. "Think you can get used to it, puddin'?" she murmured.

"I guess I'll have to," he sighed.

"I think it's gonna be easier than you think," she murmured. "When you hold your son or daughter for the first time...I think loving them is gonna be the most natural thing in the world."

He nodded slowly. "Maybe," he murmured. He cleared his throat again. "Look, this kid...I don't want it to be...y'know...a bastard. They're gonna have enough stigma attached to them already being my kid without adding bastard to it."

"I'm sure we can raise him or her to be a good person, puddin'..." began Harley.

"No, I mean...a real bastard," interrupted Joker. "Kid who's born...outta wedlock. Whose parents weren't married. I know people are more accepting in this day and age, but if it ever came down to inheritance or anything, I just wouldn't wanna leave any loophole for the kid's rights to be challenged."

Harley stared at him. "What are you saying?" she whispered.

"I'm saying...I think we should get married," he muttered. "For the kid's sake, y'know."

"You...wanna marry me?" whispered Harley.

"For the kid's sake," repeated Joker, firmly. "Yeah. Why? Don't you wanna get married?"

"And...this is how you're proposing to me?" she said, slowly. "In my pajamas, at four in the morning, when I've just woken up, and with a face covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce?"

Joker chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her, and lick some of the chocolate sauce around her mouth. "Unpredictable guy, remember, baby?" he murmured. "Did you want a big, public proposal in a park somewhere? Or did you want just the two of us, together in bed, covered in ice cream? Must bring back good memories, huh, pooh? Anyway, I got ya a ring."

He reached into the pocket of his bathrobe and pulled out a small tin ring, holding it out to her. Harley looked at it. "Is this off a can of tuna?" she asked.

"Yeah, found it in the kitchen," he replied. "Why?"

"I hate fish, Mr. J," she muttered.

"Fine, you ungrateful brat!" he snapped, throwing the ring onto the floor. "Don't marry me! See if I care!"

He stood up and stormed from the room. "Puddin', wait!" called Harley, grabbing her robe and hurrying to her feet. "Puddin'..."

But she heard the front door slam. She sighed, making her way slowly back to bed and climbing in gingerly. "Way to go, Harl," she muttered to herself, settling down on the pillows. "Your baby's Daddy proposes to you, just like you've always wanted, and you drive him away. You're a real screw up, you know that?"

She cried into her pillow for hours before she finally fell asleep.