Dare Me to Live

Chapter 4

I sat on the counter, the cabinets digging uncomfortably into my back, while I sipped on a really awful blend of random liquors I had found around Kevin's apartment. My bare feet banged a painful rhythm into the wood below me as I swung my legs and observed the ongoing party from my post.

I waved off a guy who had detangled himself from the crowd and was making his way towards me. He flipped me off and sauntered away.

Charmer.

I continued watching the crowd through hazy eyes. People shifted like shadows in the murky lighting, fusing together and pulling apart. A kaleidoscope of nightmares.

Several couples were making out, oblivious to those around them. Boys hands wandered farther than they should've, but only a few girls smacked them away. The smell of weed drifting in from the porch made me gag.

I took another sip and gagged again, trying to remember what I had put into the cup. Kevin appeared at my side.

"How you feeling, Dash?" he asked. He had remained relatively sober tonight to make sure the party didn't get too out of hand.

"Same ole, same ole," I said. "Good party though," I added, gesturing towards the living room with my drink. It sloshed down the side and dripped between my fingers.

"Van's been worried about you the last couple of days," he said, handing me a dish towel. I twisted it around my hands.

"She's just being a paranoid friend," I said, chuckling.

"I know we don't know each other that well, and it's probably not my place, but just be careful. Take it from someone whose mom tried to use alcohol to escape her sister's death. Alcohol is the thing that makes time worse, not better." He patted my knee and walked away.

I stared down into my glass, feeling the familiar pressure build in my chest. I poured the rest of my drink into the sink next to me, placed the glass down carefully, and slid off the counter. On my way to the door, I grabbed my leather jacket off the back of a bar chair. My heels dangled off two fingers.

A male hand reached out from the throng, trying to pull me to his side. I elbowed him in the gut and he released me. Wrenching the door open, I slipped out as yet more people arrived, slamming the door on the deafening noise behind me.

Deep breaths, nose pinched between thumb and forefinger, I slid down the hallway wall.

"Get ahold of yourself, Dash," I said. If only Danny could see me now. He'd be so disappointed. "Why did they take you?" I whispered.

I thought about what Van had said that Danny was with me, watching over me. The same mantra my parents had told me to repeat to myself. But if anything, thinking that only made me feel colder. Danny felt a million miles away right now. He was locked in a pretty box underground where my thoughts would never reach him, where every day more and more pieces of him were lost, where every day less and less people thought of him.

It was all a bunch of crap.

I pushed myself up, wiped under my eyes, and made my way back to my dorm. I got to my door slightly after midnight, exhausted, leaden-foot, and stiff. A hair-tie on the door made me freeze in place.

I sent a silent prayer to a god I no longer believed in. Please, not tonight. The door remained stubbornly locked.

"Amber," I called softly, hating the rough scrape of tears in my voice. "Please, I need to get in."

The creaking of the bed and a muffled laugh was the only answer.

I knocked again, louder. "Amber!"