Dare Me to Live

Chapter 26

That was not the last time I saw Tyler.

The morning of his graduation, I was in my room tucking the last of my wayward things into my trunk. It yawned open in front of me, packed nearly to the brim, while I toyed with the objects in my hand. They looked like nothing more than things meant for the trash: a green bottle cap from the night of the hockey tournament, which Tyler had taught me to send spinning with a flick of fingers, like a tiny green UFO; a blue-grey pebble from River Tracks I had taken and forgotten about until I found it in my jacket pocket; and a perfect miniature airplane Tyler had tossed on my desk one day in philosophy class. In my other hand was the picture of me and Danny, creased slightly from falling asleep with it clutched in my hand.

I knew better than anyone how small triggers could be. How easily a sound, a smell, a pebble, a bottle cap, could launch you into a memory, take you back in time and reconstruct people and places and events in the air around you. Make you remember and relive, for better or for worse. And I knew how those memories bore you like a tide through time to the place you stood in the present.

So instead of throwing them out, I found an envelope, placed them inside, and tucked it safely between a pair of towels in the trunk. The top banged shut and I snapped the locks into place. I straightened and glanced about the room.

It was nearly empty; the ugly cinder block walls bare once more, beds stripped down to the vinyl mattress, desks cleared except for the stray paper clip while a few hangers clinked in the empty closets as a breeze blew through the open window. It looked as it did when I had first moved in, but I knew it wasn't the same room. It was not as empty as it seemed.

Could it really have been an entire year?

Memories tugged at me while I looked around, and I paused to watch as they played out before me, overlapping one another like a video stuck on fast-forward.

There was me on the ground, cowering from a flashback set off by the shattering of a wine glass in the trash. Me and Vanessa laughing on my bed as we spent an entire Friday night looking up cat videos. Amber on her bed, her face alight with fury as she yelled at me; followed by me, her, and Tyler sitting on the floor while I told them about Danny. Chris made his brief appearance, nearly a blur in the time-lapse. The memory of him in the doorway was replaced by Tyler, drunk and rambling, which overlapped with a different night where Amber had actually helped me pick out something to wear. There were too many nights of me alone, killing wine bottle after wine bottle, but it didn't bother me as much as it once had. That phase of my life was over.

"Dash?" Amber interrupted my reverie. I turned to find her standing just inside the doorway, the last of her bags slung over her shoulder, room key in hand. "I'm headed out," she said.

I nodded and offered her a small smile. "I guess that's it," I said, gesturing around the room. Amber followed my gaze and I wondered what memories she saw there. I couldn't even begin to guess. When her eyes returned to me it was to say, "Before I go, I just wanted to tell you that I reported that guy—the one from last semester."

I had to work to keep my jaw from dropping open so taken aback was I from her words. It was one of the last things I expected to hear from her. Expect perhaps the words, "I love you."

"You—you did? When?"

"About a month ago. I didn't press charges, but I made sure they took his name down. I figured it might help—if he ever did that to anyone else."

I nodded in understanding, wondering what exactly had changed her mind. But if there was one thing I knew about Amber, it was that I didn't think I'd ever truly know her.