Dying to be Alive

Blush

I struggle with Depression, Suicide, Self Harm, an Eating Disorder and Anxiety.

I am not the only one who struggles with mental disorders, and I want to bring an un romanticized view of the reality of living with them to light. It's interesting how we as a society don't really talk about mental disorders- especially when they are so widespread and prevalent. And to hit a bit closer to home, unrealistic fan fictions incorporating an untrue aspect of mental illness in the fiction.

Depression
Depression is like drowning, but everyone around you is just fine and treading water, yet you can't remember how to swim. For me, it's not caring- about anything. A total disregard for self, and the future, because when you're depressed, there isn't a future. It's a lackluster, empty existence that's blissfully numb and painfully lonely.

Suicide
Suicide is simultaneously the scariest and most appealing option. Anyone who says that suicide is the easy way out is full of bullshit, and they don't know what they're talking about. It's difficult, and it hurts and it's terrifying. You grapple with reality and yourself, and everything inside of the human body all at once. At the scene of your impending doom, a rapid rush of emotions and thoughts and anything alive hits you square in the face right before you take the final step. In the moment you have a sense of clarity- you are in control. It's the most alive you have ever felt, yet all you want is to be dead. Humans have an incredibly strong instinct for Self preservation, and to go against it and harm yourself in the most permanent way possible is one of the most physically and mentally strong (aka painful) actions one can do. I know, because I've been in that situation more times than I care to admit. It plagues you- the thought of it, a little voice constantly reminding of you how you failed when you don't and when to do it when you will. To voluntarily end yourself, eradicate your existence is powerful, in maybe the worst way possible.

Self Harm
Self Harm is tricky, because it depends on the person. There's so many types of self harm; taking a sharp edge to skin isn't the only option. It's interesting because you know it's wrong, to only feel alive when you hurt. But it's deeper than that. It's reminding yourself that you're alive, you're a human, and you can feel things- even when everyone else has forgotten. It slowly grows into an addiction as well. Soon you can't imagine going a day without release, your skin itches for it, craves it even. It's sick and twisted but oh so sweet.

Anorexia
Eating Disorders and Depression intertwine for me. I don't know which came first but I know where one was, the other followed like a bad chaser and a burn of alcohol. There are so many different types of Eating disorders, and part of the problem with recognizing/helping someone with an E.D. is stereotyping the person as a skinny female, when in fact anyone can get an eating disorder, and I've actually met more males with am E.D. than females. I've struggled with eating disorders and body image nearly half of my life. It's hard to imagine what life is like without it. Counting calories and excessive exercise is normal for me. And the torture I've put my body through has not only hurt my mind, it's also ruined my body and life. I developed an extra heartbeat, which is now a closely monitored problem requiring heart and chest ultrasounds, cardio grams, and heart monitors every once in a awhile to make sure it doesn't develop into something more serious. I have a hard time sleeping at 'normal' hours. Probably the worst was when my body started failing- and didn't get better. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, which is a form of Dysautonomia. It's complicated and confusing but long story short, my veins are all floppy and I have low blood volume and low blood pressure and my body has a hard time circulating the blood I do have throughout. I take medicine every day for it, and it is manageable but it has made me change my life and adjust.

Self deprecation and avoiding Mirrors, comparing bodies, it's self destructive. It's not out of vanity either, which it what most people assume eating disorders are caused by. It's not that I want to beautiful, it's that I want worth. We live in a fucked up world when kids are taught that to be valuable you have to be pretty.

Anxiety
Anxiety is something that recently cropped up. It's feeling like you can't do anything when you have to do everything. Except, there's this weird mental roadblock keeping you form accomplishing anyrhing, which makes you more stressed and it's an endless Sempiternal struggle of paranoia and stomach aches and shaking hands. Anxiety kills social lives, it decimates relationships and prohibits people from actually living life. Depression makes you feel like you're worthless, but anxiety makes you do nothing of worth.

And they don't ever really go away. No mental disorder does. They follow you around and you have to deal with them because they are a part of you, and helped shape you into who you are today.