THIEF [S.M.]

ten

Journal Entry #80

Fucking depressed. That's how I've been feeling. It's been four days since Venus left to see her mom in Nevada. I'm not sure when she'll come back, but I miss her. Sunday passed, and I had nothing to do. No laundry to steal. So, rather, I sat in bed all day. Usually I wouldn't mind doing that, but it was Sunday. I hate throwing myself out of routine.

Anyway, I am currently sitting in a coffee shop. I'm in Times Square, one of my least favorite places in New York. I hate the amount of noise, and get claustrophobic in the massive crowds of strangers, however I do enjoy the lights and tall buildings; makes me feel small. Is it weird that I like that?

This is good coffee. Tastes a lot better than that store bought crap. It's the fancy kind, with extra sugar, how I like it. The heat of the round, ceramic mug warms my hands, and the sound of quiet conversation is quite soothing, putting me in a calm, zen mood. Plus, the smell of coffee lingers in the air. I love the smell of coffee, maybe even more than I actually like the taste of it. The only problem I am having here is with all of the couples, snuggled up close together, sipping their drinks happily. I wish I was happy. I miss Venus.

I think the waitress is flirting with me, throwing off my zen and replacing it with a state of discomfort. She just came by, offering me a refill. Of course I permitted it, but she also asked if I would like her number to go with it. Is that considered flirting? I don't know, I don't get around much. I mean, she's pretty, I guess. Smooth, clear skin, straight bleached hair. Skinny, but busty in all the right places. Isn't that what most guys are into? I don't know. I took up her offer, though and she scribbled her digits onto a napkin with a sharpie. I don't know what to do with this napkin, I only agreed to this to be polite, but I will probably end up tossing it. Would most guys keep it, just in case? For some sort of booty-call? Should I keep it? I mean, I haven't had sex in far too long... It's has to have been at least a year. Am I a loser for that? So many questions. Not enough answers.

I think I've overthought this. I suppose I'll just throw it away. It's not like I am interested in dating. Well, I'm not interested in dating her. Besides, I consider myself a one-woman type of guy anyway, and that one woman is Venus.

Oh god, she just winked at me. Do I wink back? Shit! How embarrassing, I nodded. I nodded to her in response. No smile, no wink, just a nod. Now she looks humiliated. Human interaction sucks. Why do I even try? I'm not good at this sort of thing. Am I supposed to apologize for that? Do I call her over here? Do I just move on with my life? Come on, Shawn, think. You've seen enough television to know what to do. It can't be this hard.

Am I insane? (You might be.)

Did I actually just wave her over here? (Yes you did, idiot.)

What am I doing? (Good question.)

She came over here. And what did I do? I asked for more coffee. I wasn't even done with my first refill. I guess I am an idiot. "Make sure to call me." she said, leaning over, giving me an unforgettable view, as she poured more coffee into my mug. The way she said it, though. Some sort of flirty seductive magic in her voice actually made me consider it. But I've already made up my mind. I'm going to throw away the napkin, and that's that.

Wait, what if I come back here and she sees me and wonders why I haven't called her? Or what if she will expect me to call her later but be let down?

What's my deal? Why am I overthinking everything?

One thing I know for sure, I don't like being flirted with. Makes me confused. I don't like being confused.

I'm going home. I think I might take a nap. I'm bored. And fucking depressed. I miss Venus.