eleven

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Today's the day. The day I watched out my window to see Venus climb out of a taxi cab with her luggage in hand, looking happier than ever. Her hair fluttered in clusters, framing her face perfectly as the cool breeze struck against her. My whole day just got a thousand times better. She's back!

I rushed outside, racing down the flights of stairs. Just as I hit the second floor, I collided into Venus, nearly knocking her down.

Before she could collapse, I reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her upwards clumsily. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I squalled, checking her for injuries.

"I'm fine, but what's the rush?" she chuckled as I released my gentle grip on her arm. She was glowing with joy. She must've had a great trip.

"I was going to help you carry your bags," I said, reaching out to the handle on her suitcase.

Her sparkly grin grew. "Oh, well, thank you," she said as I began dragging her luggage up the stairs.

Floor three smelled profusely of that cheap perfume; somewhat pineapple-y, and strong enough to produce a headache, which was beginning to effect me. I've never been a fan of strong smells.

"H-how was your trip?" I panted, her red suitcase thumping against the stairs.

"Good. Great, actually!" she whooped. "And I can carry that if it's too heavy."

"It's fine. Uh... Great, huh?" I asked, not having to fake my interest. I was so happy to see her. I wanted to hear every last detail of her trip. I wanted to hear every last detail of every last detail in her life, for god sakes. She could tell me about a bug she had squashed, and I would still be ecstatic at the fact that she was talking to me. Ecstatic at the fact that I could hear her voice. Her lovely, songful intonation.

Finally we were on the last flight of stairs. "Yes. My mom is feeling better. I surprised her at the hospital. It probably wasn't one of my best proposals, I almost gave her a heart attack." She laughed, loud, heartily."She was really, really happy to see me."

"I'm glad, really!" We were seconds away from her doorstep. "Uh, and your aunt? How's she?"

"My Aunt Mona? She's great. She dyed her hair red. It looks good, suits her. She's also got a new boyfriend. Totally smitten. She gushed about him just about the entire time I was there."

Venus reached under the mat, nonchalantly retrieving her house key, slipping it in the door. I acted as if I hadn't seen her do this. "That's good, I think. I mean, I'm glad you're back!"

"I am too!" she sighed, stepping inside her apartment, taking her bags from me and dragging them inside as I waited and watched in the doorway. "I mean, I missed the library. I missed my bed. Those motel beds get old really quickly."

Pure excitement was seeping through my veins, overwhelming me. The thrill of her return was beating me senseless. Next thing I know, words were spilling out of my mouth like a leaky faucet, "Yeah. Ha, ha, it's so great that you're back. You're back! I missed you. Well, I mean, I missed seeing you. I think. You know, I'm not quite sure. I'm just glad you're back and you're not going anywhere! This is so great, I love you!" I was talking so fast it took me a moment before completely comprehending what I had just said. But, by the dumbfounded look on her face, I could tell I had said too much. Oh no, I must've erupted. Oh god, did I say,"I love you?"

Venus inhaled sharply. "Shawn, I should tell you... before you get the...wrong idea. When I was in Nevada, I met--"

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a small, pudgy figure waddling their way towards us. "Ah, Mr. Mendes. It's nice to see you communicating with someone besides that little diary of yours." remarked a haughty Mr. Deniaud, my landlord.

Way to make me look good in front of the girl of my dreams. "Wh-what? Psh, I don't have a diary! I mean, it's not like that!" I explained hastily, trying to keep a clean reputation with Venus.

Deniaud laughed. "Oh it's okay, Shawn! If it's a secret we can keep it." he winked at Venus. My hands were firmly shaped into fists, jaw clenched. I could knock this guy straight out and not think twice about it.

He smiled his creepy, menacing grin, his sweaty handlebar mustache curling with it. His foul scent and mustard-stained tie irking me tremendously.

"Now what am I here for again? Ah! Rent money. It's due."

Venus was still looking at me, still in shock.

You know those times where you're so embarrassed you just want to run away and hide for the next month or so? Well, that's how I'm feeling. Except it's much worse. In this situation, I might as well grow a beard, change my name and move to a different country. Not even kidding.

"Ugh." I muttered, rolling my eyes and ducking into my apartment. I made sure to slam the door behind me, hard enough to make the floor shake.

I (aggressively) rounded up the money to meet my rent, opening the door just swift enough to check if Venus was still out there (she wasn't), smack the cash into Deniaud's dirty palms and shut the door before any further interaction.

I was shaking. My knees fell limp as I slid against the back of the door, sitting on the hardwood floor with my face in my hands. I wasn't crying, though I felt like doing so.

Instead, I expressed my emotions my hitting my head with my fists.

It's just hard to believe that I told her I love her. I wasn't ready for that. Neither was she. I had told her before, on the night where she was a step over wasted, but it's not like she was conscious enough to remember. I probably scared her. I must've scared her. That's the last thing I ever wanted to do. I hope she's okay. I wish I could just go back and not do what I did. Why did I do that?

What's wrong with me?

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