purity ring / lashton

01 / holy daddy issues

"amen."

all eyes opened as luke said the last word, and it echoed around the table. he loved saying grace, it made him feel important. it made him feel connected, like he had his own little gateway to heaven when he thanked the lord for his plate.

luke smiled at his mum before digging into the meal, his stomach growling at the sight. the best dinner was always made when his brothers visited, and that made things even brighter in the house. with a mouth full of mashed potatoes, he glanced at jack, who was in the middle of telling one of his infamous college stories that always made luke's dad laugh loudly and give him his proud eyes. luke didn't seem to get those eyes as much as jack and ben did.

". . . twenty minutes into the game, i'm sweating bullets. the other guy's staring at me like i'm a punching bag, and i know that as soon as the whistle blows, i'm dead . . ."

luke doesn't care. he loves jack, of course he does, but he couldn't care less about his many football stories. he didn't know much about footy except: get the ball with your feet, kick it to your teammates, kick the ball to the net, cheer, become a legacy at your dinner table back at home. that was about it, and maybe that was why his dad didn't give him the proud eyes.

he then looked at ben, who was sneaking his cell phone under the table. mum never permitted the use of phones at the table, and you'd have to be really sneaky to overpass her eagle eyes.

"thatta' boy!" luke's father called, and jack smiled brightly. he must've finished telling his story. "when are you gonna' sign up for footy at school, luke?" at the sound of his name, luke looked up from his peas.

"uh . . . never?" he said, though it sounded more like asking for permission to never follow his brother's iconic footsteps. "i'm signing up for bible and the book club, instead. my friend told me it's going to be very fun."

the table was quiet, and jack looked at his little brother with a nervous expression. their father hummed in thought, and luke knew this was not what the man with greying hair wanted to hear. their mum eventually broke the silence. "ben, phone," she snapped, and suddenly the air was filled with tension so thick that luke could've touched it. he cleared his throat, scraping his mashed potatoes across his plate while avoiding his father's gaze.

"but if jack gives me some lessons, maybe i'll sign up," luke mumbled, looking up at the older brother. ben raised an eyebrow. "i just don't think i'd be very good at it, and it'd probably leave the coaches at west hill with a bad taste in their mouth about the hemmings boys since ben and jack were so good when they went there and if i were to even try out for the team then i'm sure they would just think i'm the runt of the litter, like usual, but maybe it'd be best if i just didn't -"

luke finally closed his mouth upon hearing ben whisper, "stop talking," from beside him. he dropped his fork, moving his eyes to his lap.

their father never hit them, never yelled at them or spoke to them in a way that'd lower their self esteem. he would just look at him in this way that spoke novels about how they should be extra ashamed of themselves, and that's what he was doing to luke right at that very moment. it wasn't that the youngest son was a bad kid, of course not. he attended church regularly and kept his grades up, and he didn't cause any trouble. it was just that he wasn't, in his father's eyes, normal.

he didn't go to the football games on fridays like the boys at his school, and he never had any girlfriends. luke was never one to even sneak around to go to parties.

jack, on the other hand, did all of those things. he would sneak out to go with his friends to drink beer they stole illegally and pick up girls. ben had his fair share of high school galavants, too. luke had not a single one. his indifference worried his mum and dad, and they wondered if maybe he had something wrong with him; maybe he got bullied at school.

luke had one friend who went by the name
michael, and his parents didn't like his hair colors. they feared the currently blue haired boy would turn their son into some rainbow haired rebel, too.

michael wasn't a rebel. in fact, he had straight a's, much like luke. they met at a national honors society meeting, actually. luke tried to tell his parents that, but they didn't listen to any excuses he tried to make. they were judgmental church goers, though luke was too blind to see that. he just assumed they wanted what was best.

within five minutes, luke's dad excused himself, saying he was going to get some fresh air. nobody knew he was really going outside to smoke a cigarette, a habit he'd told his family that he'd quit seven and a half years ago. luke asked if he could go to his room, and ben followed behind him. he knocked on luke's bedroom door, finding him curled up on his bed with his pillow clutched to his chest. a sigh left ben's lips as he closed the door behind him and moved to sit on the bed.

"luke," he sighed once more, and luke sat up to look at ben. "you don't have to play football just because dad wants you to. if you wanna' do bible and book club, do bible and book club. i know you're gonna' hate football because coach briar doesn't take shit from anyone, and it won't help your anxiety. dad just wants you to be like jack, which you're not."

"i wish i was," luke muttered, his voice hoarse.

"no . . . no, luke, you don't. you're you, and if dad doesn't accept that, then fuck him. jack has so much pressure from dad on him because he's the only son who's been doing what dad wants him to. i dropped out of college two years in, and dad resents me for it. you haven't played on rec teams like we did, and dad resents you for it. he's just an asshole who cares more about his happiness than ours, and you can't let that affect you."

ben gave luke's leg a squeeze before pushing himself off the bed.

"just think about that, okay? get some sleep, tomorrow's jack and i's last day home, so we've got a big day tomorrow."

luke nodded, turning onto his side and facing the wall. tears fell as soon as he heard his door click shut, and he wished he wasn't crying. to the sound of the shower running in the room next to his, he fell asleep.