Faded

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I woke up and remembered where I was. The breeze coming from the window was blowing on my leg that was sticking out from my blanket. I closed it then laid back down. I glanced at my side table and the clock read 10:00. I couldn't decide if that was too early or too late for me to be waking up. I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. After not leaving my apartment for a total of 3 days, I feel like today I should try to do something. I got off of my bed and showered, then decided maybe I should walk into town. I didn't know where I would be going or even what I'd plan on doing. Maybe I should just walk and think. All I ever seemed to do now was think. Think, which was typically followed by crying. The one thing I usually thought about was him. I didn't hate it, I just wish I didn't have to.

"You'd be ashamed to know that I did not actually fill out my final paperwork for my school, so I moved here with no plans. Of course, aside from my original plans to actually go to school, I just changed my mind. You always told me how smart I was and how my glasses helped my intelligence just by making me look smarter. You always wanted me to tutor you and help you with your homework and study for tests. You had the attention span of a 3 year old, so we never got very far. You always seemed to barely pass. In fact, the only reason you did pass is most likely because the teachers were so bothered by you in class that they were tired of seeing you. You were always really annoying, you know?

I know you haven't called or texted, and I don't blame you. Maybe we weren't as close as I had thought or had hoped. Maybe I wanted more than you did. Although I know that isn't true, because you called me yours. You told me you loved me. You kissed me too many times to count. I thought we were official, or did I just think wrong? Does is make me stupid for missing you? It probably does, because I know you don't miss me. You could find another girl with no problem. You had that look and you hooked girls left and right. By 'hooked', I mean hooked up with because we all know you didn't have girlfriends. You were kind of a whore, you know?

It never actually mattered how popular you were or how nerdy I was, because you didn't care. For 15 years it was us against the world. Inseparable. If I was sat by myself at a table at lunch, you would come sit by me. If I didn't have a partner in gym, you would leave whoever you were with to be with me. The funny thing is, nobody made fun of you. It was so common that people were used to it from you, but little did you know, I was still bullied. I take that back actually, because you found out. You never actually cried a lot, but that was one of the times. I always knew how much you cared, which always surprised me because you never seemed to care about very many people, or things. Whether I was just another friend, just another kiss, just another place to crash, or just another girl to have sex with, it didn't matter. I always thought you were the one, you know?

All those nights you sang me to sleep, even though you hated your voice, I loved it and all those nights you made faces at me from your bedroom window because you were grounded. I miss having you to rely on all the time. The only thing I rely on nowadays is my morning coffee to, hopefully, keep me awake. The tears were always real and I wouldn't lie about anything. I had always been in love with you, you know?

- Coraline xxx"

I ripped the paper out of the notebook and crumbled it, throwing it on my bed forcefully, forgetting it was paper and wouldn't make a noise. I shouldn't be writing notes to him everyday or letters that I never send. I shouldn't be typing text messages and then deleting them or pressing his contact just not to call. I shouldn't be waiting for him to contact me, when I know he won't. I shouldn't be setting myself up for disappointment because I'm too scared of myself and that I'll say something wrong. I can't handle myself anymore. It's like he was never here, never in my life, never around, and never there for me. Except he was, for 15 years. Through every change and every tragedy in my life, he was there. He was there during my parents divorce and I was there during his. When my dad and mom both remarried and my dad moved, he was there. When my sister was born and when my older sister moved away. But now, it's just like I was never an option or even part of his life. Maybe I'm overreacting, but how busy does he have to be to not even call his best friend in a month? Now that I think about it, I haven't contacted him either, but I just can't. It seems crazy, but I can't make new friends, and I never have been able to. Always afraid people won't like me. That's why I need him and it kills me that I don't have him anymore.

A month doesn't seem that long, but it really is when you talked to someone everyday and now it's been nearly 30 days without any contact. Being totally dropped by someone you truly love, or loved? Did I even still love him? As much as I didn't want to and tried not to, I knew I did. I couldn't help myself. I was his. I was always his. Every guy in school stayed away, not because I wasn't wanted, but because I was his. Everyone knew I belonged to him. Even the teachers knew. It was that kind of friendship, but with added benefits. Sometimes I think maybe he was using me, but there was so much meaning in everything he said and did that it couldn't have meant nothing. He was, and is, my world. I don't want to see him again, I have to. At least one last time before maybe we stop talking forever. Why did I let him go to England and attend college. I should've made sure he stayed and told him everything, all my feelings and all my thoughts, my real thoughts and feelings. That I was hopelessly in love with him and I could hardly bare to see him leave, so he had to stay or I had to go with him. I knew he didn't particularly need me, but I needed him. I need him.