To Be Honest

six

So there I was. It was the next day in school, the day after Aidan and me had walked through the forest and talked, well, for over an hour without getting into a fight, for the first time in years. It felt strange to see him again, now in math class as he was sitting in front of me. His eyes were slightly reddened, I guessed it was the result from staying up so late the night before.

The feeling of guilt and some kind of embarassement suddenly arched up my body as I realised it was all because of me. How desperate have I become? Did I not have any other friends aside from Beth and Scott that I could ask to help me? Was Aidan, who I declared my sworn enemy, the only choice after all?

This very fact had scared me more than I was willing to admit. I guess I really didn't have any other close friends than the ones I had lost.

Shaking my head to make these thoughts fall off me, I was remembering Aidan's words.

He told me I had two options: One was to confront my friends and to talk the issue out. The other one was to ignore the whole thing and to concentrate on the school festival with him. And oh well, just thinking about my former best friend and ex-boyfriend together could make me throw up, so as crazy as this may sound to you, I was really preferring the second option for now even if that meant having to spend time with my terrible ex-childhood friend.

Or... was he really as terrible as I always tried to convince myself of? After yesterday night, I felt different about him. Not ultimately more positive, but definetely different. I felt like there was something bothering him which he wasn't able to talk about. I felt like some ghost of the past had chased him and that the pain he felt was caged somewhere between his clever eyes and his witty mouth. I felt like... he was in a similar situation as I was right now.

I carefully watched him from behind when the whole class was silent to work on some math problems. I could only catch a glimpse of his face now and then when he moved but he seemed concentrated. I asked myself if he thought about what had happened last night. It was awful that his mind was so hard to read. You'd never know what he was really thinking or feeling, his face just wouldn't tell. He had a very difficult way of showing his real emotions. In the past, it had been so easy for me to read him. This has changed so much by now that I couldn't even remember how I did it back then.

He was scratching the back of his head which made his messy dark hair become even a bit messier. Without realising it, I had to smile. It seemed like he had a hard time solving the math problem and it made me kind of relieved that he wasn't as perfect at everything and anything as he always pretended to be.

Completely unaware of how long and intensely I was staring at him, my whole body twitched when my math teacher sharply called me out.

"Miss Hepburn, I'd very much like you to concentrate on analysing the math problem instead of the back of the head of another fellow student," Mr. Gregg said from across his desk and looked at me with a judging face.

My face was about to burst into flames when I saw my classmates turning around to me, some giggling and some whispering. I tried to ignore all of the staring until a pair of electric blue eyes found their way to mine.

Oh dear lord, please spare me!, I thought when Aidan eventually turned around and met my sight.

He looked at me with a quizzical expression and the only thing I did was hoping he hadn't realised it was him I was analysing the back of the head of.

To avoid his face, I tried to avert my eyes to another point of the room. It turned out to be a bad idea as I gazed directly into Scott's face, who seemed to be worried.

Anger and frustration replaced my awkwardness and I parted my sight of his to look down on my notes again. I was surprised by the coldness of my own face but was simultaneously very proud of myself for not having to flinch a bit or show one sign of hurt even though I was, indeed, very very hurt.