No control

Chapter 1

Nothing can numb you like death. Death is everywhere. You can't outrun it and you sure as hell can't escape it. Having to live with the fact that death took your loved ones makes you wonder if your still sane enough to deal with life. Me, oh my sanity was lost ages ago. The minute I lost them, was the minute my mind shut down; the minute my demons ran free. When your insane, there's no need to worry about your humanity. Who needs to feel unwanted feelings? Who wants to let sadness and hate consume them from the inside out? No one. That's why it's okay, that's why I'm okay.

My name is Luna, Luna Degray. I'm 17 years old and currently going into grade 12. I live with my baby sister, Rosaline, in a small apartment. Things aren't easy, well nothing's ever being easy and it won't get any better. When I was 15 years old, I watched my own parents get killed; get tortured. The fury that I felt 2 years ago still burns strong deep down inside of me. My parents were my best friends, they kept me sane. If I hadn't of being left to look after my sister Rosaline, I would've being far gone by now. But Rosaline needs someone to keep her sane and I have to be there for her. I have to be the sister who never gave up because of her. There's no body else I care for, no body. You don't realise what pain is until you get shot with it. I have being too weak for too long, I cried my self to sleep every night. That wouldn't of happened if my mum had being their to comfort me. If my dad had've being there to stay by my side until I fell asleep in his arms. But life turns around and takes you to the deepest and darkest place that you didn't think existed. Depression and hate took over and I had cried too much to not know what pain feels like; what hate feels like. So I did something that I don't regret, I killed someone. I took their lives just like they took my parents lives. I'm only returning a favour because karma forgot to do it for me. When I'm around Rosaline, I'm okay; I can cope. But when I come face to face with loneliness; my dark side comes out to play. The depression hasn't gone, the hate still burns and my heart still aches for my dead parents. I don't have a real lot of friends but I'm okay with that; less friends mean less loss. I'm just another kid in the crowd and I intend to keep it that way. I don't need to matter, I don't need sympathy and I don't need attention.

Today is the start of school. This year I'm in grade 12 and I'm going to have to fake a smile for the sympathetic teachers. Yes, I can be happy and yes, fake smiling does fall into that category. I still laugh and smile. It's just rare because I don't have anyone to make me feel that way apart from Rosaline. As I walk down the crowded halls I can already see the sympathetic smiles from a couple of teachers but I act like I don't notice and walk to one of the cafeteria benches. I already miss Rosaline, I hate being separated from my only family member. My job is to protect her and I feel useless because I can't reach her right now if I need too. I get snapped out of my thoughts by my best friend, Farah, waving her hand in my face. "Hello, earth to Luna? Are you in their?" She questions but I just smack her hand away and smirk "yes idiot, Luna is here. My thoughts got the better of me but I'm back" I sighed. Farah has being my best friend since grade 3 but ever since I lost my parents, we've being more distant. We remain best friends but we just don't talk or hang out a real lot. I see Farah put a soft expression on her face "Luna, how are you holding up? How's Rosaline" she questions in a light voice. I immediately feel my body tense up before I sigh "Rosaline's good thanks" but that answer obviously didn't make the cut for her because she picks up my hands before saying "Luna, I'm here for you. I didn't just ask how Rosaline was, I asked how you are as well". I pulled my hands away and stood up "look Farah, can you give it a break. You know I don't deal with this sympathy crap. I refuse to show any feelings towards anything" I say coldly before turning my back to her and starting to walk off when she says in a frustrated voice "I wasn't trying to pour my sympathy on you Luna. I was just trying to look out for you! That's what friends do, but like you would care anyway" she says before I continue to make my way to my locker.

As I make my way to my first class, I walked pass a boy who looked unfamiliar; is he new? Questions after questions were running through my head on who he was and what he was like but I shook my thoughts away. I shouldn't care about these things, I refuse to say I do care about my curiousness towards him. This year was going to be long, boring and slow for sure; I could already sense the awkward tension in the air. Hell, we haven't even started the lesson yet! The lesson had being dragging on for what seemed to feel like more hours then in a day and all that was on my mind was Rosaline. I had taken her to kindergarten and I was so anxious to leave her in the hands of someone else besides me. I couldn't trust anyone, not after what happened to my parents. I only felt safe when she was in my arms and when I knew she was okay.

After the long, boring day full of sympathetic smiles and hugs; I drove as fast as I could to Rosaline's kindergarten. I anxiously pulled into the parking lot and sprinted towards the entrance, I wasn't used to being away from Rosaline. I walked to the desk and politely said "I'm here to pick up Rosaline, Rosaline Degray" the lady gave me a warm smile before replying with " second door to the right, have a nice afternoon" I smiled and jogged towards the room. I opened the door slightly to see a room full of kids playing and laughing with each other, I scanned the room for Rosaline before my eyes fell onto her. She was so happy, she was so enlightened by the kids sitting in front of her. I felt my heart sink at the thought of mum and dad not being here to see her grow up. They'd be so proud of you Rosaline, I said to myself before making my way over to her. Once she made eye contact with me, she ran as fast as she could to me before jumping into my arms. "Rosaline Degray, I have missed you so much! How was your first day?" I said in a sweet voice "it was so good and I tan't wait to come back tomowow!" She squealed as she squeezed her arms around my neck. When she pulled away, she was staring into my eyes and I whispered "Rose, I love you so so much and mummy and daddy loved you so so much as well and you need to always remember that"  she gave me a soft smile before saying "I love you too Luna, I miss mummy and daddy but I'm fankful I have you" she said before resting her head on my shoulder. I'm sorry you couldn't be here mum and dad, I wish you were here to see Rose and I grow up. I wish you were here so you could be proud of us; I wish I could change things.