No control

Chapter 3

With school becoming more harder and life becoming more stressful, it made me become the sad girl I was 2 years ago. After I put Rosaline to bed, I let myself hurt for the first time in a long time. I let myself become weak and I even let myself cry, but my breakdown session didn't last long and before I knew it; I was loading my guns up with bullets. I locked Rosaline's door and locked the house up before making my way towards my car. It had being a while since I last killed someone, but it didn't matter how long it had being because I was getting revenge every time I killed someone one way or another. A kill every day keeps the insanity at bay.

3 hours later, I was done killing and felt the urge that I had before disappear. What would Rosaline think of you Luna? Never mind about Rosaline, I'm doing it for mum and dad. I kept my head high while I made my way to the car. When I arrived home, I was completely restless; nothing could make me sleepy or the littlest bit tired. All I could do was hope that I could fall asleep before I could breakdown. To avoid the thinking about the sad feeling that was overwhelming me; I thought about Solis. Heck, I hardly know him and he's already getting under my skin. My stomach turned at the sight of him. He's already broken down the barrier that know one else could. No one else can see the pain because I mask it with a cold, bitchy personality most the time. The thought of letting someone in made me start panicking. The bedroom door creaked open and I heard Rosaline's soft voice whisper 'Luna, I had a bad dweam and I can't sleep" I patted the bare spot beside me before softly replying ''come here Rose, I can't sleep either''. Rosaline's presence calmed me immediately and I mentally thanked her for coming in when I needed her the most. ''Luna, pwease don't leave me, mummy and daddy left and I'm scared that your going to weave me and I am scared to be alone because you are my happiness and I just want to be happy and I want you to be happy and-" before she could finish i cut her off "Rosaline, I won't ever leave you baby girl. You are my happiness and your the only thing I care about in this world. I know your scared and in pain but I am too and that's why we have each other; to be happy" I softly said before kissing her forehead. I felt her tense body relax into a comfortable position. Rosaline was my role model because she dealt with pain and death at such a young age when she shouldn't have even known what death was yet.

I woke up, knowing that I had to deal with more sympathetic teachers, more work, more fake 'friends', more school. I didn't need the teachers to be so sad for me, I didn't need more education and I sure as hell didn't need those fake idiots called 'friends'. I dropped Rosaline off and decided that I had enough school work to do so instead I went home. After working on pointless school assignments and homework, I decided to do the thing I was putting off the most; visiting my parents grave. At first, I was lost. I just drove anywhere and everywhere I could go, I wasn't really lost; I was just taking up time and hoping that I'd run out of time and not have to visit. A few minutes of thinking was all it took for me to get a hold of myself and drive to the peaceful place of death. When I arrived, I grabbed the flowers and the letters from the passenger seat. I walked to the head stones that read "Mr Degray" and "Mrs Degray" and placed the flowers and a letter on each one. I took a couple deep breaths and swallowed hard "hey mum and dad. It's being a while since I've visited, I'm sorry for lack of visits but Rosaline can be a handful sometimes" I laughed "you guys should see her, she's growing up a little too fast for my liking. I'm growing up a little too fast for my liking." a short silence was held as I thought about how much i missed them. "mum, dad, I miss you so much. I still don't understand why you had to leave so soon; why god had to take you away from me. I know your in a better place but it's killing me to know that I won't get to experience the rest of my life with you. Not only is this problem killing me; but it's killing Rose too. Most nights she cries herself to sleep and well the nights she doesn't, she's sleeping with me because the nightmares become unbearable." I fell to my knees and sobbed over my dead parents graves before whispering "I loved you too much to let you go so soon".

I drove as far away as I could be from their graves, from the memories, from the pain. All I could do was cry, I was weak and I had no energy to cover it up. I just wanted to disappear. I was angry, I was hurting, I was in pain. I pulled over the car, "I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING" I started screaming. I was overtired, I hadn't slept well the night before or any other night this week which made me drift into a light sleep. I was woken 3 hours later by my phone continuously buzzing. "Hello?" I answered groggily "Ms Degray? Where are you? You were meant to pick Rosaline up an hour ago" my eyes widened "Oh my God I'm so sorry! I'll be there right away!". I have never driven so fast in my life, I was anxious to see Rosaline, would she be mad at me? I was a big mess and I looked terrible, what would these people think of me. Normally I didn't care about my looks but I tried to keep a good reputation for Rosaline's kindergarten.

When I pulled up at Rosaline's kindergarten I sprinted inside to find her crying her eyes out. The teachers became silent and just stared while I ran to Rosaline's side. She was being cradled by Ivana who was hushing her cries. "Luna, where have you being? We've being trying to get a hold of you for ages! Rosaline's being crying for an hour now, she hasn't calmed down" I grabbed Rosaline's delicate face and softly said "Rosaline, I'm here now. I'm sorry baby girl" she looked up at me before cried out "Luna". I picked her up softly and rubbed her back gently while whispering "it's okay, I'm here now" she slowly settled down and ended up falling asleep while I comforted her. As I was about to leave, Ivana stood up "Luna, I think you should get help. I don't know your personal life and I don't know how much pain you've being through but Rosaline wasn't okay. She was having a panic attack. I have worked with many kids with these kinds of problems and that's the worst one I've seen. I'm not trying to get into your personal life or tell you how to run it but Rosaline is too young to be this anxious" I sighed and said "Rosaline and I have had a hard up bringing and we rely on each other for comfort. I know she needs help but money is a struggle and we can't afford that kind of help, having me by her side as much as possible is the only help I can provide her with" Ivana showed not only sympathy but pain; did she know what it felt like? Ivana motioned outside, obviously for privacy "Luna I know what your talking about, I know what it's like to be in pain and stressed out. Would you like to come over to mine tomorrow afternoon? Nothing to deep or personal, just for a chat." I hated opening up to people but if she knew what it felt to be so lost like I was, maybe I could find some comfort in knowing someone has gone through something like I have "Ivana, I normally don't accept opening up to people but I think I could use someone like you to talk to" I said softly with a little smile.

When we got home, I put Rosaline to bed and decided to scroll through the miss messages. Most of them were the school calling asking about my absence or the kindergarten calling me about Rosaline but I had a text from an unknown number saying "where were you today?" I felt anxious but curious about this unknown contact. I immediately made the decision to call the anonymous ID, "hello?" a sweet, familiar voice rang through the phone "um, who is this?" I confidently said through the phone "Luna? Is it you? It's me Solis" a wave of relief swept over me as I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding in "Solis, why are you texting? How did you get my number? and why do you care about my where abouts?" I questioned while pacing back and forth "well I found it in the office's contacts and I was worried about you Luna, you know I care about you" he said casually "stop trying to do this, I don't have friends, I don't want friends!" he sighed "I didn't only find your number Luna" he sighed "Solis, what the hell are you talking about, are you high?" I replied; obviously irritated. "come have a cigarette with me Luna. I just wanna talk" I slowly but alertly walked onto the small veranda that was looking down on the city that never sleeps only to find that beautiful, familiar face with a soft expression "hey Luna" Solis said. "Solis" I sighed while rubbing my hands over my face "Luna, can you just give me a chance. Can you stop pushing me away and give me a proper chance to be friends with you" I could feel fear building up "Solis why! I don't like people. Our generations is full of fake people that we expect to call our 'friends'. I am a boring, cold bitch that does nothing but disappoint everyone around me and I'm happy living like that" Solis stood up and started walking over to me "no Luna, your not happy. I am not a dumb ass like everyone else, I can see that your afraid of opening up. You think that I'm some stupid kid who doesn't no a thing but I've lived long enough to know that deep down; your dying to open up. Your letting it eat away at you and if you think that I'm going to sit around and watch it destroy you than you are totally wrong", everything he said was right and I had nothing left to say. I looked up to see him offering me a cigarette and decided to give up the fight for now and take a cigarette "thanks"