Stutter | A Jaspar Fanfic

8. Jackson

* WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEX, NON CONSENTUAL SEXUAL ACTS AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Dear Jackson,

This is really fucking lame. Like super mega ultra major nerd shit. Or maybe I could be counted as a hopeless romantic? I don't know. I've never done this sort of stuff before. The only reason I'm doing this is because ever since you've came into my life, I've felt this giant weight on my chest that I need to shove off, and I heard writing down your emotions or some Tumblr crap like that helps. 

Sorry for all the cussing and stuff, I'm not very good at projecting my emotions. I'm going to try though, because I want you to know how I feel, even if it is super mega ultra major nerd shit. Basically, I'm just going to rip this off like a band-aid and then go into the sappy stuff. I kinda sorta one hundred percent am in love with you. You don't love me back, and that's really fucking terrible because all I do is sit up at night thinking about you and all I do is speak about you whenever I can, and it hurts so much because even if you did say you love me I know you didn't and you never will and you won't ever care. You'll go on with life, not a care in the world, but I'm going to still be that teenage boy you dated and left with a deep cut in his heart. 

You destroyed me, and yet I love you anyways. 

When I first met you, it was at a party. I was fourteen going on fifteen, and you were seventeen going on eighteen. I should've been way more careful and way less reckless than I acted but I was so confused with my sexuality, and you made me feel good. You smelled of my favorite cologne that I've always wanted but never got, and you looked so handsome and you were so tall and you were older and you were into me. You liked me. 

I was hanging out with Marcus and you were his cousins friend who came over to tease us for being so young. I thought that the night would end with you chasing us out of the house with alcohol in your hands, laughing as you terrorized the youngest kids at the party. But it didn't end that way, it ended with my legs on your shoulders and you violating my chastity. 

You turned my normal life into a hurricane and I know I'm going on and on and on and you're probably reading this and going 'what the fuck' but this is the most intimate thing I've ever felt and now I'm pouring it all out on paper and you are going to fucking read and you are going to fucking understand how emotional this is for me. 

I spent the next day in your bed, and you spent the next day in me, absolutely destroying any source of innocence I had left. When you were finally satisfied and my brains were fucked out of my head, you asked me on a date, and I said yes. 

I thought what we had was love. You wrecking me for days on end, me walking home at one o'clock in the morning with a giant limp because of how hard you were with me. I thought a quick fuck was love and I thought you buying me things I wanted was love too. 

I was so fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. 

We did that for about two months. You always fucking me, me getting gifts for having a nice ass, and you taking me to the movies to get me to suck you off. Thinking about it isn't even pleasurable anymore. It makes me feel used and stupid for just throwing away my purity. 

Then I started to really love you, and you started to act like an ass. It had now been five months, you didn't meet my parents when I asked you to, and whenever I was at your house, it was spent naked and sweaty instead of happy and cuddly like I've always dreamt about. 

The first time you started to get irritated with me was when we were at the movies. 

"I don't want to," I had said when you grabbed my thigh, moving you hand up closer and closer to the privatest part of my body.

"Fine," You said, snatching your hand off of me as if you had been burned. "Be that way."

You made me feel so guilty, and now that I think of it, I think of how lucky I am you didn't force me to do anything you didn't want me to do. It took me days to get you to start acting like yourself again. But now, you were scolding me more and more. 

"Don't sit that way," How was my sitting affecting you? My leg was just thrown over it's twin.

"You're seriously wearing that to our date? Okay." Why would it matter what I was wearing? You were just going to take it off anyways. 

"You're acting like an idiot."

You started to get more and more aggressive and I thought I was the person who was doing all the wrong things, when in reality it was you. It was fucking you.

It was you, the boy was older than me, with your nice eyes and hot body. It was you, the guy who made me realize that I liked boys, that I loved to be with boys. It was you, the boy who took my innocence and made me feel like the piece of shit at the bottom of everyone's shoes who made me hate myself. 

It was me who had to pick up the pieces of myself when you left to go to Uni and finally ended it with me, not even caring about how we basically did something Illegal and not caring about how much it hurt for me to deal with everything. 

I'm still trying to get over you. I get that you took advantage of me because I was fifteen and an idiot ready for literally anything, but you knew how to work me so well. You knew how to make me feel guilty, how to make me not get mad for something that you did that was terrible. 

Even if you beat me senseless and then gave me a rose I wouldn't question anything you did, I would just question what I did to get this. 

I'm just going to end this saying that I'm not going to say sorry even though I want to and now because of you I'm probably never going to feel love or enjoy sex, all because of you. 

I̶ ̶h̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶

I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶.̶

Joe Sugg. 

$$$

A/N: JACKSON IS A FUCKING DICK BUT NOW YOU GET WHY JOE DOESN'T WANNA LIKE CASPAR ANYWAYS ONTO THE NEXT CHAPTER

VOTE/COMMENT/FOLLOW

IM REALLY MEOTIONAL WOW 

BYE

P.S: I GET THERE ARE GRAMMAR MISTAKES AND A LOT OF 'ANDS' AND WEIRD WRITING BUT ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY BECAUSE WHEN JOE WROTE THIS HE WAS CRYING AND EMOTIONAL SO DONT FRIGGIN POINT OUT MISTAKES ITS SUPPOSED TO BE WRITTEN THAT WAY,