I Chose to Die (Siren Suicides, Book 1)

Chapter 19. Man Cave

Before I can say anything, Hunter pulls me into a kiss. The melody of his soul overwhelms me. It's so close, I want to gulp it, momentarily hungry. I try to resist, pulling away, horrified at the sudden urge to fall apart and cry. Holding it, holding it, holding it. And then losing it completely and letting go, unable to keep on the lid. I feel water trace my cheeks and drop with quiet splats onto the rain jacket. Hunter's lips and tongue burn mine with living heat, making my skin tingle. His irises shimmer in a feverish frenzy, bluer than before, saturated to the maximum. His scent overpowers the stupid smell of the fake ocean fragrance my father likes so much; I inhale it, feeling almost alive. It's pine. He smells of pine, Linden flowers, and sugar. I stand there and let him kiss me, let him pull me closer. Why not? I'll be dead soon anyway.

We're like two inexperienced theater goers who came not to watch the play, but to secretly kiss in the back row, because it's more sophisticated than kissing in a movie theater and more cool to try to absorb a live performance at the same time. For the sake of divine experience, as Hunter would say. I imagine that we really are standing in a chamber hall after the opera singers, the spectators, and the orchestra had departed, even the janitors left and unknowingly locked us up for the night.

I'm bitter. Bitter at how my life has turned out and how it's about to end. Bitter that I can't be one or the other, neither girl nor siren. Fine, since I can't let myself eat him, I decide to take as much of this goodness with me as I can, suddenly kissing Hunter back with fervor, nearly grazing him in my haste. I stare him in the eyes, pretending to swim in them like two pools of beautiful, blue water. Like I'm a pebble thrown inside with an expert twist. I hop, hop, hop, making little, round waves, then, finally, give in to gravity and sink. Tears gush from my eyes.

I won't cry, I won't. I won't! I want to stomp my foot to believe it. Hunter breaks away.

"What's wrong?" he says, alarmed.

"What do you mean, what's wrong? Everything is wrong! Everything!" I cry and then break into sobs, not caring anymore.

"I'm sorry..." he says and trails off. "I'm sorry I screwed up. I really am." He hangs his head, his arms falling to his sides. I'm furious at myself for wishing his arms would rise and embrace me, for lusting after him, for wanting to eat his soul.

"No, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm the one who started it all. I'm the one who jumped and got turned into a siren and stuff. You had no idea it was going to be me you'd have to kill on the job, so I get it. I hate myself. I really do. I deserve to die." I sniff, unable to wipe off my tears, my hands still tied. I think Hunter doesn't offer to untie me because on some level he thinks it's safer this way, and I agree. So, I don't ask him to do it, not fully trusting my ability to control myself.

"Well, I don't hate you. And I don't think you deserve to die. It's bullshit. You're..." he hesitates.

"I'm what? What? Go on, say it. Say what you really think," I challenge him.

"I don't think anything. It's not what I..."

"Bullshit!" I cut him off, shaking, and then immediately regret what I said. Feeling the siren in me wanting to break out and feed, I battle it, pushing it down. I take a deep breath and exhale loudly, through pressed lips. "I'm sorry. Just get rid of me, all right? I can't stand this anymore. Please?" These last words I say so quietly, I can barely hear myself, afraid that if he doesn't do it first, I'll lose control and kill him, and then kill myself afterward.

"You're not mad at me, then? For, you know, for taking this job?" He has this puppy look about him that used to make me swoon. Suddenly, I just want to shake him really hard.