Thin

Chapter Thirteen - Depurate

Chapter 13 – Depurate

 

I viciously scrub my hands together, pressing down on my skin harder as the cold title floor sends chills up my bones. As the soap bubbles raise, my thoughts only turn murkier– the complete opposite of why I’m even washing my hands in the first place. If I can clean my skin, why can’t I do that to my mind?

        How could I have been so stupid? Why’d I have to go and eat every single bite of that vegetable wrap? I could of just ate a few small bites – just enough so that the girls don’t question my actions. But no, I went and ate the entire calories of lard that it consisted of.

        I scrub faster, starting to feel the burn of skin being rubbed off. I don’t care about the pain; I don’t care that the exposed skin of my hands are now bright pink. I’m vaguely aware of the fact that there’s a small group of girls hanging around the blow dryer a few feet away from me. I don’t care how much of a freak they must think that I am; I don’t care that I’m having a meltdown in public while they stare at me in horror.

        I don’t fucking care right now.

        All I can think about is all the fat that’s just sitting at the bottom of my stomach. I can feel the meat increasing on my bones with each passing tick on the clock.  The newly discovered pounds cling to my body like wet clothes. Bubbles of fat emerge on my arms, legs and stomach – everyone on my body.  Grease flows through my veins, sending the oil directly into my heart as it beats slower with the added effort. My blood turns cold as I think of the number that the scale will stab me with tonight.

        How could I have been so stupid? Have I not learned anything this past year? I’ve come so far since the start of this. I’ve grown a thicker backbone; I have more will power to say no to all of the temptations in life. At least I thought I did up until a half an hour ago – before I caved in.

        God, I caved in. I fucking caved in like the pathetic loser that I really am. I’ve only been lying to myself these last couple of months with my talk of how strong I am. I’m so fucking weak. No wonder I’m the way that I am – fat.

        Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

        The numerous girls’ beady eyes stare holes into the back of my head, burning whole right through my skull. The white concrete walls seem to be closing in on either side of me, threating to suffocate me. The sound of the water rushing out of the faucet suddenly gets louder, as if it were mere inches away from my ears.

        Oh god, I’m going to be sick. I can just feel the digested food crawl back up my throat, demanding to come escape the dark pit of my stomach. It doesn’t want to stay inside of my body any more than I want it to.

        I place my slippery fingers on my forehead, creating a small river of water and soap running down between my eyebrows. I close my eyes as it runs down the length of my nose, causing it to drip off of the tip.

        The sounds of the water droplets hitting the bottom of the porcelain sink echoes against my ears. Drip drop. All I can focus on is the sound that it makes – it’s the only thing I see and hear. Dip drop.

        I need to get out of here, to escape the harsh lights that ignite the school.  My heart beats faster in my chest, as I feel drops of swat from on the surface of my forehead.