le-olam va-ed

04: אמת

04: אמת

Dear Ben,

            אמת. Emet. Truth. I know you know the word, for there’s that Hebrew song that you always loved to sing, because the chorus was the word “emet” repeated over and over again, which ends up sounding like “damn it,” if done correctly. You were always were childish, Ben. Now, the definition, on the other hand, I’m sure is not in your vocabulary. Ben, you suck at telling the truth—the emet. Everything that comes out of your mouth is, was, and always will be a שקר (sheker)—a lie. Emet was never your style, though, was it?

            Now, I could rage on and on in a Taylor Swift fashion about how you told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess, but those times weren’t meant for the emet, Ben. It was okay that you lied to me about how pretty I was, or how easy a test you had taken was, but what most certainly was not okay were the deeper lies. When you told me we had a “kesher,” when you put on this façade of kindess—of chessed, when you pretended to have a heart, a lev, and most importantly, when you told me that you loved me were all things I believed to be the emet, though were really lies. You shouldn’t have said those things, Ben, and most importantly, you shouldn’t have cheated on me.

            I thought it was just a measly little rumor. לשון הרע. Lashon ha-rah. Evil tongue, as the direct translation goes, or gossip. Something started by someone from a vindictive reason unknown to me. There was no way that it could possibly be the emet, Ben. You were my boyfriend, we loved each other (at least I thought we did), and there was too strong of a kesher between us for you to do something like that.

            “It’s true,” one of my friends assured me in our history class on that fateful day that I had first heard the rumor, “he’s cheating on you.”

            “That’s ridiculous!” I had said, positive that you would never do something so cruel (how wrong I was).

            “I heard that he hooks up with Shoshanna during every one of his free periods in the gym,” she said with so much certainty I was almost scared.

            “We’re in love,” I told her, “he would never do something like that to me.”

            “I don’t know,” my friend shrugged, “maybe he would.”

            I shook my head firmly, not even believing the conversation I was having. “No, he’s my Ben,” I said confidently, glancing back to the board and the names of the dead people we were currently studying. Can you even imagine how naïve I was back then? You’re a boy, Ben, of course you would do something like that!

            The day that I confronted you about the rumor was the day that you ultimately dropped emet and all of your other values out the window. You lied to me, Ben. It was such a simple question, and could’ve saved us all so much heartache. “Ben, are you cheating on me with Shoshanna?”

            You looked at me, horrified that I had asked such a thing. Then, I thought it was just because you were so deeply offended. Now, though, I know that it was because I had asked the one thing you had been dreading for so long, and you finally had to deal with it. “No,” you lied. “I love you. I would never cheat on you.” Lie. Ben, if you were going to give up on the emet, at least make something up that’s more creative.

            I first confronted you about a month before I witnessed the rumor with my own eyes, which apparently held quite a bit of emet behind it. Instead of quietly doing homework in the library like I normally did during my free period, I decided to venture in the gym, hoping to find you just playing basketball, like you always claimed to be doing.

            My arms pressed on the metal handle of the gym door, opening the entrance. I expected to find you shooting hoops with beads of sweat dripping down your forehead, but what I saw instead debatably scarred me for life. There you were, your hands all over Shoshanna, and your lips were attached to hers, too. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing—I didn’t believe what I saw seeing. Finally, the truth—the emet was out.

            Your head snapped in my direction, and immediately you disconnected from Shoshanna. “This-this isn’t what it looks like,” you stammered the most cliché line in the books. Lie.

            “Oh, and what doesn’t it look like?” I then found the courage to question. It was one of the only times that I ever had the upper hand, Ben. You were always one step ahead of me, but then, there was no way that you were getting out of that mess.

            “She kissed me, I swear!” you tried to defend yourself. Lie.

            “Your hands were all over her, Ben!” I shot back, forcing my tear ducts to not let a drop of water pass through them. You weren’t worth it, Ben.

            “I was trying to get her off of me!” Lie.

            “Whatever, Ben,” I said to you, shaking my head in complete and utter disappointment. I began to walk away from you—to run away, but you dashed over to me, and pulled me into a hug before I could do anything else. I squirmed against your grasp, but you wouldn’t let me go. Thinking about it now, I wonder how Shoshanna felt about it all, at the time.

            You tucked my head beneath your chin, and lied once again, “I love you.” You repeated the phrase over and over again, and every time you said it, it held less and less validity in my mind. All I could think about were your hands touching Shoshanna and not me. As previously stated, you suck at the truth, Ben.

            You cheated on me, Ben. That’s probably one of the biggest lies and offenses in a relationship that you can commit. Well done, Ben. You always did strive for the hardest of tasks to accomplish. Normally lies don’t bother me, because we all lie. But your lies, Ben, well, they really bothered me. I guess the emet isn’t for you, but you should definitely try telling it some time. Maybe you’ll even like it.

            Le-olam va-ed,

            -Me