「secret empire」ー 折原 臨也

Ch. 10: We will be legends

05/04:

Dear Izaya,

It occured to me that neither of us were correct.

You said how very much alike we were and I objected, stating we are the total opposite of each other. Like night and day or the moon and the sun. Never supposed to meet for if they would, there would be nothing but chaos and confusion.

I was confused. I couldn't quite understand what I saw in you and what you saw in me. But now I understand: This confusion did not, does not and will never matter. We shall not acknowledge its presence for it also will lead to chaos.

Thus, I dare to say, this is a thing we have in common. The confusion brings us together and yet we both despite it.

I hate confusion. You hate confusion.

I hate humans. You love humans.

See what I'm trying to say? We have our differences and we have our similarities. I am addicted to them. You seem to be addicted to them as well. I also think I'm addicted to you, but you don't seem to be addicted to me.

It would be normal to hate you for that. Hate you for using me as an experiment and as a toy, but I can not hate you.

I wonder, can you hate me?

I know for a fact, that you don't trust me anymore. It certainly wouldn't surprise me, if you never actually did in the first place.

Anyways, to show you how different we really are: I do trust you. I always did and I always will.

I know you and I know it's crazy to trust Orihara Izaya, out of all people on this planet. But it's actually quite simple. All you had to do to earn my trust is using me the way you did. It sounds illogical, sure. But here is why: You were right about me knowing what you were doing to me all along. But you underestimated me, Izaya.

I think I know you better than you'd want anyone to. Perhaps I'm wrong with this assumption, but I'm quite positive that this time you didn't have a toy to play with, but one to appreciate. You're not as cruel as you pretend to be.

While you saw the darkness in the beauty, I saw the beauty in your darkness.

I'm not the only one who sees you this way. Your friend, that doctor, too understands. "He might seem cold-blooded, but he's more human and his heart more brittle than anyone else. So much that if you filled it with human love or betrayal, it'd break easily. Which is why, I think, he chose from the start to avoid it all, to love humanity. You understand? Not to accept, not to face it. To avoid it." is what he told me.

Even, or more to say especially, an intriguing man like you can not fake fright.

You were scared, Izaya.

I was, too.

Getting too close to someone is frightening, but both of us, to some extent, were fascinated by the idea of playing with fire.

This relationship, this game, call it what you like, was pure horror for both of us. Yet neither of us could let go, not even now. Or would you be reading this letter then?

See? It's scary how much I understand you, whereas I always found it soothing to know, since I couldn't do it myself, you understood me.

Happy Birthday, Izaya. I'm sorry the only present I have is a letter full of goodbyes and grief. See my death and a new year in your life as the opportunity of a fresh start.

Not that I, nor anyone else for that matter, expect you to change. To embrace an offer of forgetting, however, is something different. Something I desperately wished to gain and now I'm passing it onto you.

Use the gift wisely.

Love, Yuzuki.

"Cold." the quiet complain left quivering lips and wandered of into the darkness, fading away unnoticed. He let out a deep breath allowing his slender fingers to lower the piece of paper he was holding and looking up to the night sky. The moon shone in an icy color, sending no warmth whatsoever towards the full streets.

It was just bright enough to function as light source in order for him to make out the silhouettes. Like ants, hundreds and thousands of little insects with even more quick steps.

Where were they off to? he wondered.

Then again, did it matter?

To him, at this point, it didn't anymore. These people – these ants – they meant nothing to him. Neither were they of any greater purpose nor did he feel emotionally connected to them in any way.

Their only purpose was to be of entertainment.

If he had kept this rule close and carved into stone, he would not be standing here.

Hadn't this happened way to often? Him standing on a random rooftop of a building, watching dozens of people walk by and just be satisfied with that? What had changed this?

Perhaps the fact that this rooftop wasn't random and perhaps because this time, he had been playing with the fire for a little too long, getting himself burned a little.

His eyes lowered to the letter in his hands. The wind howling around him caused it to shake uncontrollably and it took him a brief moment to understand.

He didn't have any control over anything. Not over holding the letter in place, not over these toys – these people, he thought were just of usage for him.

"Tse, that's so silly," Izaya laughed to himself, as if he still had to cling to the illusion. "Game over, I guess."

Who did he try to convince? There was nobody there but himself. How could one single human being shake him up to a point in which he couldn't understand himself anymore?

The raven closed his eyes, allowing them to rest, while his muscles relaxed. As he took a deep breath, he let go off the letter, hearing it fly off into the dark night towards the moon.