The Dude's a Girl

Chapter 19: Forgive and Forget

After the awkward and mostly silent time during the movie and the frozen yoghurt store, we returned to campus and I was in my room alone with Matt.

"I honestly have changed. I assure you." I tried to convince him.

He was silent.

I added, "You should know by now. I mean, if you really thought I was horrible why would you be going out with me?"

His eyes were still stuck on the floor.

"I mean," I continued, "Everybody has done something stupid in their past, that they regret. But I really don't want you to judge me in present on my past. And I definitely don't want you to feel differently about me, because I'm the exact same person I was yesterday."

He sighed. I waited for a response that didn't come just yet.

"I tried to leave my past behind and I thought I did when I came to this university. But I was wrong: because my past is still haunting me. My old friends, my bullying, my mom even. And what upsets me most is that something that I stupidly did in the past, that I no longer do now, is affecting my present and my future also."

Matt hesitated before saying, "You're wasting your breath, Sam."

I blinked away tears.

"I believe you," He carried on, "I was a total outcast in high school. I was bullied. And that is something that I'm ashamed of, even though it wasn't my fault at all. I wouldn't like it if somebody just strolled in and told everybody the story of how I was shoved onto lockers and laughed at."

A gentle smile came onto my face. Of course I wasn't happy about him being bullied but I was happy he told me and happy he trusted me.

I looked at him properly. His dark hair was swept away from his pale forehead. His eyes conveyed so many emotions: sadness, embarrassment, trust, love.

He noticed I was looking and looked back. A small smile twitched onto his face. I grinned.

We heard a knock on the door.

When I went to open it, I saw Tom and Kayla, who were frowning.

"Guys," I mumbled, "I don't want to spend hours rambling on about how I've changed and I'm no longer the stupid girl who used to bully, but I could. Because honestly, I hope you can treat me for the person I am now and not the person I used to be."

"Oh Sam," Kayla took a step closer to me and gave me a hug, "I know you could never hurt a fly now."

I smiled as I hugged her back. I lifted my head to see Tom.

"Everyone has regrets." Tom said, a smile creeping onto his face.

We went and sat down on our beds.

"Do you guys mind if we never bring that whole thing up again?" I asked them.

"No, no of course not." They said, reassuringly.

***

I was in my bed, trying to get to sleep. For some reason, it is so hard to sleep the night before the semester starts.

"Sam?" Kayla asked, in a whisper.

"Yeah?" I replied, the sound echoing across the dark room.

"Can I talk to you about something?" She said. And in that moment, it felt as if we were sisters, awake later than we should be, ready to fake-sleep if our parents walked in.

"You can talk to me about anything," I ensured her, looking blankly at the ceiling.

"Am I annoying?" Kayla asked, as if it was a swear word.

"Of course not," I told her truthfully. I mean, at first I found her irritating but that's only because I was annoyed that my mom's ring had been taken. "Why?"

She sighed, "Well...you know my sister Ranie, she's constantly dragging me down, telling me that I'm stupid if I don't understand something and groaning that I get on her nerves."

"And," She continued, "I wasn't always this, I don't know... perky. It started when my sister, um, got into this fight. She was shouting at the top of her lungs and cursing and swearing and when I got there, I called a teacher. By the end of it, she was badly hurt and so was the other girl. When we came home, she was in huge trouble with our parents and she got, uh, she was beaten even more."

Kayla sniffed, before telling me, "That night she swore and swore at me for calling the teacher. That night I cried into my pillow as silently as I could and promised myself to never be anything like her."

I laid there in silence. It was weird how I had automatically assumed that Kayla was one of those perfect, beautiful girls with not a single worry in their heads and happy lives and happy families.

After minutes, Kayla called, "Sam?"

And I replied, "I'll always be here for you if you need me."