Notorious

Contrition

H

I drink coffee every day for a month until the tin can Aspen left at my house is empty.

I haven't showered in six days or brushed my hair or even opened the fridge. I make myself a home in my sheets and bathe in the scent she left behind.

Now the only remnants of her are the pink knickers in my drawer, the red lipstick by my sink, and the constant terrible pain in my chest.

But pain is a word that is much too mild.

It feels like drowning and your gasping for breath but all you get is another mouthful of saltwater and it burns your throat as it goes down and fills your lungs until you're choking on it and all you can see is blackness and all you can hear are your desperate screams and yet... You don't die... No matter how long your lungs ache for oxygen or how much your limbs ache from swimming you never surface and you never die.

You are just drowning forever. No hope, no light. Just pain.

There is a weight in my chest filled with that gasping pain, that terrible guilt.

She built a home in my heart, but now the house is abandoned. She was the air in my lungs and now I can't breathe.

And I am the only one to blame.

Upon making that deal with Liam, I had not thoughts of the consequences. I was desperate for help - I would've done anything to claw myself out of the hole I had dug. The hole filled with death and drugs.

I was angry then; so livid at Aspen for treating me so terribly. So hurt that the girl I had owed my turn around to, the girl I had put on a pedestal despised me –that she was not the girl I imagined her to be in my imagination.

So, it seemed at the time that I could kill two birds with one stone; find a lawyer and repay my debt to Aspen. And if she ever found out... Well, we both benefited, so what would be the big deal?

And at first, that's all it was –a debt I needed to repay.

But, she was all soft lips and lilting laugh and rare smiles and witty humor. Stubborn and strong-willed, vulnerable and kind, understanding and incredibly intelligent.

She was the light at the end of the tunnel; the flower growing through the cracks in the pavement.

And it didn't take me very long at all to feel a burning in my chest and a fluttering in my belly.

The deal I made soon moved to the back burner –my growing feelings for Aspen more important. But, it was always there, constantly reminding me what I needed to get done.

I somehow convinced myself that everything would turn out fine. That if Aspen found out the truth, she would be grateful and we would be happy. But, the longer I deceived her the more my guilt crept in.

Because I knew that I was becoming just like the rest.

Because Aspen has scars from the wounds her loved ones have inflicted; abandonment, neglecting, cheating, being used... I promised that I was different, I vowed to be different.

And yet, in the end, I wasn't different at all.

I became paranoid and skittish every time something even remotely suspicious came up. I became obsessed with making sure the truth was hidden and our precious little bubble wouldn't pop.

And when the truth came out my whole world crumpled.

I saw it coming too; like a tsunami you can see in the distance, but you know that it would be impossible to avoid. All you can do is brace yourself.

And then you are left to pick up the pieces.

My phone remains silent, there are no knocks on my door, and my heart is empty.

Every thought, every breath, every single brag of my tired heart is her.

I've lost her.

I won't give up though. For now, I will give her space, I will let this all sink in – let her heal. But, I can't live without her and I know that she feels the same.