Own Me

Chapter Five

A.N. Same old cast announcements here. Isaac, who I know a lot of you already hate from unspoken events of the past, is still cast as the gorgeous Nick Jonas. He's just so brutal and fiery, I'd let him slap me about any day, every day, all day. But then again, I'm just all shades of fucked up. All the best people are, though. Vote and comment, and enjoy the chapter, as always, xoxo, Clay.

"I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay."

-Lady Gaga

♔ Chapter Five ♔

"Excuse me?" 

"You heard me," he smirked. His arm planted onto the wall that I was leaning against, locking me in place.

"Once wasn't enough?" I dared to ask, avoiding his icy hard gaze. Of course, some part of me should have known he'd come back. Not every rent boy would let him do to them what he did to me.

"Nope." His other arm swept around to the other side of the wall, so I couldn't escape. His arms kept me there, his body surrounding me. I should have been scared, but I wasn't. His closeness only made me hard. Harder, anyway.

"I don't know," I said, "does it not seem inappropriate?" I don't know why I suddenly became so put off by the idea of getting with Isaac again. In fact, the thought alone was making me so nervous that I was trying to avoid it at all costs. Like I'd suddenly become unready for sex. Wow. Now I felt even more ridiculous. I mean, when wasn't I ready for sex? I was being stupid.

"Why would it be inappropriate?" He gave me a totally blank look after that, even though we could both think of at least forty two and a half reasons exactly why it would be inappropriate. But for now, my mind could only focus on one.

"You know why," I blurted, like I'd just now realised how actually inappropriate it was. Obviously, I knew before, but last time was different. Last time, I'd convinced myself that it would only be a one time thing, that Tom wouldn't mind, even if he was dead. I'd convinced myself that it was okay to do it just once, to let it slide one single time. But to have him come back for more, that crossed a line that I never even knew I'd drawn. "Because of Tom."

Isaac stiffened as soon as the name left my mouth, and his entire composure switched. He went from leaning forward suggestively, with his eyebrows raised and his eyes scouring me over, to a protective stance. He crossed his arms, stepped further away from me, and blinked. He wasn't even looking me in the eyes anymore. If this was what the mere mention of Tom did to him, he must be holding a lot of shit inside, even this long after his death. And to think, I never saw Isaac as the type to cling onto someone so tightly, to care so much. To care at all, really. But he did, about Tom at least.

I hadn't thought much about it before, but maybe Tom's death affected Isaac a little more than he had lead everyone to believe. At the time that Tom killed himself, all everyone knew about Isaac was that he was one of those popular guys. Typical jock, with abs as hard as rocks, failing most of his classes, and beating up the basic nerds. He had a girlfriend, too, so no one suspected for a second that he preferred sex with men.

After Tom's death, I may or may not have let slip to his girlfriend that they were fucking behind her back, and she may or may not have ended up telling everyone. Even after everyone knew, Isaac never grieved for him. When the news spread, it was almost like he'd already let Tom go. People were half-expecting him to break down or cry, but he never shed a single tear. Not until now, right before my eyes, as I watched him crumble.

It was weird. Nothing I really ever expected to see. His eyes glazed over, but he showed no sign of sadness. It looked almost like he was leaking, emptily, rather than crying, but maybe he held his face so tight to stop the grief from peeking out inbetween the cracks. I'd never really seen Isaac as someone who had feelings, until that moment. I'd just considered him to be a cold, calculated piece of shit. Someone who acted in the moment, but always had a plan. A kind of sociopath. I mean, my mother was a therapist, so I was brought up around this kind of twisted behaviour.