Own Me

Chapter Thirteen

A.N. EXAM SEASON IS HERE SO GRAB YOUR REVISION KITS AND STUDY PILLS AND GET WORKING! Or, do what I do and grab the illegal kinds of pills and attempt suicide! Jokes. Suicide is only fun for those of us who want to die. For the rest of us, it's like, kind of a total downer.

Anyway, as I release this I'm cramming for a THREE HOUR LONG exam on a stupid history module called "World Empires" but because I'm obviously super smart and talented and amazing, I should manage to scrape the 40% I need to pass. If not, I can always suck off the examiner in exchange for leniency. Anyway, back to the book. This one's sorta weird and sexy, so unbuckle your belt, grab your willy, and start tugging. Or if you've got a pussy, grab the nearest cucumber and let's all have some fun!

(Boys, you may also use the cucumbers provided. Also, note to users: wash cucumbers before vaginal or anal insertion, because, like, you know, chances are I've probz used them before you).

XOXO, CLAY!

"I'm already crazy."

-Lady Gaga

♔ Chapter Thirteen ♔

I'd stood, hiding behind the curtains of the half-moon window on the highest floor of my apartment building, and watched as Hebe Hollern moved in downstairs. Moving trucks had flooded the whole street, and the renovation team had been ripping the old building apart since dawn. I was only glad that she couldn't get up here, that she couldn't take this away from me.

She'd been prancing up and down the pathway all morning, screaming at the movers and demanding they don't damage all of her new designer furniture, and to be especially careful with her packed clothing. I'd watched as a dozen men each grappled with her piled up Louis Vuitton cases, and it almost made me laugh, if the situation wasn't so peculiar.

I couldn't help but feel some kind of regret for what I did to her. I ripped apart the only thing in her life that had been holding her together, and I had no idea why. Some part of me told me that it was wrong, inside, and I ignored it. I knew what I was doing would hurt her, and I did it anyway.

In the moment, I reacted, I lost control. I let myself become an aggressive, twisted little monster. I hated to admit it, but I was starting to be scared of myself. And what made the situation so much worse was that somewhere in the farthest and darkest corners of my mind, I actually liked it. I enjoyed hurting her, emotionally and mentally striking her down. Never in my life had I reacted like that so unprovoked.

When I looked in the mirror most days, I don't see the person that I want to see staring back at me. I'm reminded of my old self, when I look at my face, when I force a smile, when I crack a witty joke. But even beyond that, I see what I've turned into after all these months. A decaying shell of who I once was, weaker, smaller, angrier. The thing that disgusted me more than anything, though, was the thought of what I could become. The thought that I could be a vicious person who tears others down, who enjoys pain, who was so internally twisted, I just couldn't bare it. The thought of what I was changing into brought a tremor down my spine.

I hadn't seen anyone in a few days, not since my outburst at Hebe, and I'd been especially avoiding Isaac. The same voice in the back of my mind, the one that urged me towards him, the one that kept me going back to him, even it had stopped by now. It was like some part of me knew that I was becoming just like him, and that terrified me more than anything else.

Thinking of all of the bad things that he had done, like beating and abusing and raping helpless people like Tom, it made my skin crawl. The idea that I could become... like that. That I was turning into someone like that. Someone who fed off of other people's pain, other people's misery and suffering. I was afraid to admit it inside, but Isaac brought out the worst in me, and even then, I couldn't help myself.